Archive for April, 2010

Gaarrr. After the endorphiny bliss that was yesterday I should have expected it. Today is crap on a stick. Already I have lost 5 pairs (!!!!!!) of sunglasses, or at least failed to find any of them, been forced to drive with the sun in my eyes, lost my car keys and my handbag (wifey moved it from it’s normal spot for no apparent reason), had a fight with my flatmate, split my chapped lip rather painfully, been served by a really really dumb person at mcdonalds, had to sit under the air conditioning which despite me bring a leather coat and furry scarf is still blasting antartica down the back of my shirt, and also, I feel grumpy. Did I mention that? Oh, and I missed maccas breakfast cos I was arguing with wifey.

Even those identically dressed twins over there are annoying me today. Jesus christ, we can see you are twins, no need to advertise the fact. Maybe I’m just a bitch today lol. They’re like 6. Their mother is probably to blame for that travesty of fashion.

I can tell you what isn’t helping with my mood. People asking if happy hour is available in Sydney tonight. LOTS OF PEOPLE. That would be a big fat NO. Happy hour is this thing where I discount my normal rates, which I think are more than reasonable for the service I provide, as a reward for people who see me during business hours in my hometown for an incall. This is because that is the easiest possible way for me to work.

They are not for every cheap bastard who feels like having a haggle. Seriously, there are girls who ALWAYS charge happy hour prices…. and you get what you pay for. Book one of those if I am too exxy for you. Don’t send me hopeful emails trying to haggle me down, cos I am liable to save your details as “don’t bother answering”.

You’ve offended me, for a start, by assuming that I am happy to drive 3 hours, pay for an inner city 4 star or above apartment or hotel, fuck your brains out and squirt all over you, and that I am happy to do all of that for half of what I usually charge in Sydney. Wake up sunshine, I’m not that stupid. That is going to cost me more than I am likely to make… I mean, I’m sure you believe yourself to be worth it but I’m actually running a business, not a charity.

$450 an hour for a well reviewed, well respected, hot, fit, toned, energetic, intelligent, fiery and passionate, well presented squirter who can deepthroat and is likely to enjoy the session as much as you if not more is a fucking bargain.

I know for $600 you can get an untoned brunette with a massive overbite, and that she is considered a good price. And that the difference between me and her is that I don’t photoshop the shit out of my pics. Does this mean that a genuine attitude and genuine pics are worth less than a pre concieved image? Or does she get inundated with bargain hunters as well?

Basically, it shits me to tears when I go to all the effort to spell out the rates for people and it turns out that they can’t follow it past the point where it says “happy hour”. I’ve gone over this like a thousand times with people, and what it comes down to is basic disrespect. I AM worth what I charge, it is a fair and reasonable rate, and I researched my place in the market when I came up with those rates and placed myself according to my appearence, my service, and my image.  If I choose to reward people who fit in with what works best for me by providing a better rate, it DOES NOT mean that every Tom, Dick and Harry can have that rate if they ask nicely enough. If you don’t fit the criteria, don’t ask.

Phew. Vent over, and I feel much better now that that is out of my system. Mind you, I could probably go a nice cranky shag just to shake the rest of the tension off. I’m in Sydney tonight if you want to help with that and you are a decent person who can read the rates page properly lol.

The not so cranky anymore

Lani xx

PS I’m blogging later tonight about my adventures while on tour, this was just a quick rant lolz

Everything hurts right now. My bum is bruised, both cheeks.  And both sitting bones – different injury. My toe is still pretty sore. My knee has no skin on part of it. My abs and thighs have a little bit of left over muscle fatigue… that ache that you’d normally fix with Deep Heat or Epson Salts. I feel pretty fuzzy and tired, I havn’t been awake long. My back is sore, my shoulders are sore, my calves were sore yesterday but seem fine now. I have red marks on the back of my heels that would have been blisters if I hadn’t borrowed some bandaids the other day.

I was just sitting here thinking how grateful I am, and how good my life is. No, seriously. No joke, I hurt like hell, but when I think about how I got all those injuries it makes me grin like a cheshire cat, because I am one lucky girl

First off… the most painful injury at the moment is my butt cheeks. OW. Bruisiness of the really tender swollen kind. Every time I shift in my chair I get a painful little reminder to stop wiggling. That pain goes with the back and shoulder pain, all caused by a really hard satisfying massage I got from a friend yesterday. He’s been doing a course, and he wasn’t too shabby before that, but now – OH MY GOD. I was literally drooling on the pillow.

I use myself pretty hard, I don’t hold back much and as a result I’ve really done some damage to my back over the years – my fave sex position used to involve me being vertical and upside down with my legs in the air and my partner standing and thrusting downwards. Yes, I know it’s weird but fuck it felt good. Reaaaaalllly not good for your back, and you definately shouldn’t do it more than once or twice a day

I am soooo not complaining about remedial massage pain, it will go away in a day or two and then I will feel fabulous He’s in Melbourne and will barter for bookings if anyone needs a good hard therapuetic massage by a trained massuese I’m happy to recommend him, he isn’t sleazy and will leave your bits alone until its time to swap places on the bed lol.

(dang, ran out of coffee, 2 tics…. ok, not 2 tics, theres no milk. Double dang it)

The second most hurty injury is my skinned knee. I’m not 10 years old anymore, and I’d forgotten how much skinning your knee can hurt. I was having too much fun when it happened to really take much notice, but I tell you what, I’m noticing it now. Especially when my PJ’s graze past it when I move. Or when I cross or uncross my legs and bang it on the desk.

Again…. can’t complain. This one happened when a client I was actually nervous about seeing (met him before at drinks but had never been in a booking with him…. he has a reputation lol. A good one, but yeah, I was worried about meeting expectations) turned out to be one of the funnest people I have met for a really long time. I’m a bit of a goose naturally, and I was absolutely stoked when he said he didn’t want to jump straight into sex but wanted to play sillybuggers for a while first YAAAY

We played horsey rides and piggy backs and wresting and were doing somersaults on the bed when I got carpet burn from the headboard thing. I took pictures…. I left a white trail of skin on the headboard, and a red shiny patch on my knee where it used to be. Wanna see? You’ll have to go to Facebook again, I’m afraid. Sorry, technical issues. I’ve used up too much memory or something…. Monkey boy will need to have a look at that I think

Anyway, I’m not whinging about that, I was having a fucking ball when it happened, and I’ve made a new favourite client hahaha. I have lots of  them, don’t worry, no ones been bumped off the list to make room It does sting like a little bitch though lol.

What’s next in the pain scale… Probably the toe after that one, it’s getting better but I keep banging it on stuff, and soooo many people have stood on it, it isn’t funny. The toe is ok, I wouldn’t have it if I didn’t have my big woofer, and I do love him. Even if he is a cheeky bastard who nicks food all the time.

Then comes the bruised ass bones… you know the ones under your butt kinda just north of where your legs meet it? and inside the legs a bit. If you don’t know what I’m talking about bend over and grab your asscheeks around the bottom end.. the sitting bones are under your fingertips.. how far under depends on the size of your ass I guess. Mine is pretty little these days, I’ve toned up all over the place and don’t have much fat left on me… I wouldn’t mind so much if it didn’t mean that I’ve lost all my padding lol. I’m a wee bit bony in a few places, I’m not Skelator for the record, but a year ago this injury would have been impossible for me to get.

Its from doggy with another skinny person lol. Hip bones on ass bones, banging away. Ow. Well, it wasn’t really hurting at the time, but I’m noticing it now lol. Thats the same booking all the leftover ab and thigh pain is from… the delectable and devious Ambrosia Rose was in the room and we were shagging our new “husband” in a weird but wonderful double bride booking.

Ambrosia is somewhat evil and thinks I’m some kind of bath toy you don’t need a bath for. Hence the leg and ab pain. She was creating Lani waterfalls off the side of the bed, no joke. What you guys don’t realise is that I have BIG orgasms. Big muscly squeezy orgasms, where everything contracts and quivers and throbs and twitches. It’s quite a workout. And Ambrosia is one of the few people I have sex with who gets away with treating me like a fuckdoll hehe. She’s so pretty I can’t say no…. and also it’s hard to argue when you can’t actually form a coherent thought. She’s a bitch, and I love her.

The ab pain isn’t totally her fault, her friend Mason did a bit to help with that. I had another booking with him while I was in Canberra (I book him, not the other way around… he’s my manwhore hehehe) and he was trying to teach me tantra, but I’m slow to catch on. I think I might need another few bookings to get the hang of it…. It was only an hour booking this time, but jeeebus it was intense, I’ll have to do a review Anyway…. it’s not all Amber’s fault lol. I’m going to get him to teach me anal too one day, but I’m still in training at this point, I’m not ready to actually do it with anyone yet, and I won’t ever be making it a standard part of every booking, so don’t get your hopes up lol.

Last, and least, are the red marks on my heels. New shoes, pretty ones, and I’m female. No complaints again Woot.

Life is good, if painful.

Lani xx

How hard is it to be a decent fucking person and cancel an appointment you made?

Dude, I am tired as all hell, I didn’t sleep well last night, and you know what the tragedy is? I got up, showered, shaved my legs, my pussy, my armpits, washed and blowdryed and straightened my hair, cleansed, toned, moisturised, put on a smoothing base, liquid and powder foundation, concealer, several shades of eyeshadow, bronzer, blush, eyeliner and mascara,  c0-ordinated my outfit so that my lingerie, shoes, business dress, accessories and make up were all matching and complimenting each other, perfumed and deoderised, and then got the message saying 1st appt couldn’t make it.

Ok, fair enough. These things happen, and I appreciate that he let me know ahead of time – I think he gave me 40 minutes notice? I decided to put my pj’s back on and have a little nap for an hour, decided to look at it as a bonus naptime.

Soo… I set the alarm, I get up again at the appropriate time, I get dressed again, redo hair, touch up makeup, wait for phone call for room number. It never comes. I wait til 5 minutes after he was supposed to be here, and his phone is switched off. Call me Suspicious Suzy but does this mean he never intended to come? garrr. This is why people get the shits with touring.

I had a convo with a Melbourne boy about a year ago about this. Hotels are not free. Flights are not free. I do not work 40 hours a week, so whatever image you have of me being a total rich bitch is pretty off the mark. I’d say I’m your average financially retarded shopaholic mid 20′s girl, only without the credit card debt. When you waste my time on tour you are taking money out of my pocket. I’m not made of money, so this does tend to piss me off. I have bills to pay too.

Most working girls I know are comfortable, but not wealthy. People look at our hourly rate and assume we must be swimming in money, Scrooge McDuck style. They don’t see overheads or other expenses, or take into consideration that the more you make, the more you tend to spend. It is not cool to assume its safe to fuck us around because we can afford it and don’t really need the money. I wouldn’t do it to you… I like to think I’m a decent person.

Ok, enough whinging. If I sit here much longer I will be late to visit a new friend, and after the big rant I just had about people not showing up, that would be uncool lol.

Lani xx

Evening folks. Forgive me if I don’t make much sense tonight, my brain is a bit fried and I’m starving at the moment, I couldn’t eat all of my lunch because I was trying not to barf from about halfway into it. Hangovers are not my friend. I tried really hard to order something that wouldn’t make me feel worse, but I’m pretty sure that was a doomed effort from the 3rd or 4th bottle of wine last night. Avoiding dairy and spices and coffee doesn’t help when your blood is pretty much solid white wine with a tinge of cocktails.

I’m gonna be really slack and lazy, and copy paste the post I just wrote for the drinks night thread on SDU, as I feel like crud and want to go lay down, but would feel bad if I didn’t at least hint at what went on last night…. It was a good one. I think I made some new friends I really do love catching up with everyone, and I always have an awesome time at these things Oh, and as a bonus, this time I didn’t get arrested. How awesome is that? hehehe.

SDU POST – skip it if you saw it on sdu lol, I havn’t edited it at all. I will be less retarded and lazy tomorrow morning and tell you about the night properly then Right now suffering from a large dose of CBF. lol.

Bleurrrrgh would fairly accurately describe how I’m feeling right now. I’d say good morning but it ain’t one until room service shows up with my latte. My head is still fuzzy from last nights 2 whole glasses of wine (I am such a cadbury’s).  Oh, Gen, a “cadbury’s” is what you call someone who gets drunk on a glass and a half of alcohol – the reference is to the chocolate company, which used to advertise a glass and a half of “full cream dairy milk in every bar”.

Yesterday was awesome. Ambrosia attacked me again, several times… she comes over all innocent with those big eyes batt batt batting at you, but in a word, no. She thinks I’m her little bath toy or something. “Let’s make Lani squirt!!” was the catchphrase of the day. And I think it might be the same again today and tomorrow. I think next time I come down I might do a six week refresher course in extreme pilates to build up my lower abs strength and endurance, and also possibly bring a personal supply of gatorade so I don’t dehydrate. I’m defineately coming back down again though

At least I don’t have to deal with the sheets hehehehehe. Or the towels or the mattress cover. Which had to be taken off I think cos twas a bit damp.

Hmmm. Coffee is here. YAAAAAY. And it was brought up by a guy who looked like that dude from the Green Mile, the really big black guy with the super full lips and kind of small presence/ gentle rather than imposing. It’s weird how some people seem small for their hieght, and others seem big for theirs. Heaps of people have told me that they thought I was taller than I am before we actually met. Probably because I’m loud, I’m thinking.

I had the weirdest experience yesterday with a new client. He looked a bit like my ex, the DJ one, to the point where I asked him if he knew the family, as he could easily have been a cousin or something. Looking like someone I dated is not a crime, also it means he was hot hehe. So anyway, we have a lovely booking…. and then he cums just like my ex. Now, it’s like the male version of me. Extended, protracted, loud, messy, lots of facial gymnastics…. hehe….I love making people react to me so huge orgasms are a massive payoff for me, I love it, but how many people do you know who have orgasms that last a few minutes? and look exactly like your ex? And do the same kind of weird/cute things in bed, specifically during the throws of an orgasm?  

I think I just fucked my ex’es sexual double. bit x-files’ish lol.

Mason you asshole, my calves are aching from cramping up yesterday. Too much toe curling, I think

How the fuck did I end up in the sack with Mason anyway? All I remember was going out for an innocent meal with friends, dropping Ambrosia and her friend off one after the other, and then I don’t remember drunkenly propositioning him for a booking right then and there at all. Thank fuck I only booked an hour… in the state I was in a serious booking would have damn near killed me.

Last time I saw Mason I was preeeetttttty impressed, made a promise to myself I’d do it again one day, but just havn’t gotten around to it. I am kinda slack about doing things for myself, I’ve had hang gliding tickets for the last year I havn’t gotten around to using yet, and I see lil luxuries for me as things that can wait til I am not so damn busy all the time. It isn’t very healthy, and seeing as I have issues with stress I should prioritise it a bit higher up the list… Well, last night was a baby step in the right direction. Sort of.

Mason promised me last time I booked him he’d teach me tantra, which was garanteed to “absolutely destroy your pussy”. Oh fuckshit. Yes please, I think.

Unlike most girls I come hard and fast with the right kind of stimulation, with nearly anyone. I’m very in tune with my orgasmic self Perhaps too in tune for tantra. The whole idea is that you have to breathe through your orgasms and not so much hold them off as relax through them – I tend to stop breathing and tense up hard when I’m cumming –  and eventually you’ll reach a stage where they can last an hour or so. I think I might actually die. Yay. What a way to go lol.

I tried really hard last night to work with the breathing, but the alcohol wasn’t really helping. I’m going to have to organise another booking soon, one where I’m not a drunken floozy, in order to give this tantra thing another shot. I’m very interested in learning, if it’s possible to do so without squirting myself inside out in the process. I keep having visions of me accidently mummifying myself during a session and turning into a dried up old husk and blowing away like an old snakeskin or something.  

Speaking of visuals, hottest snapshots from yesterday and last night – Our 12pm client writhing and thrusting from post orgasmic finger trailing over his torso and thighs for a good five minutes, head thrown back and grinning and gasping at the over sensitivity he was feeling…

Ambrosia holding a very pink penis head between her lips and flicking it with her tongue so it vibrated between her lips… it looked like she was nibbling on a strawberry - I have to learn that one, it looks soooo dirty/pretty…

Mason kneeling over me, one finger punishing my g-spot while his thumb ran back and forth over my clit, his eyes wide and intense and pleased as my cum sprayed up and over his chest, glistening in spots on his shoulders…. he was like a foot away and it just kept coming… my most Cytheria-like moment yet…. and after the big spray it kept streaming out, a constant flow of cum…. I have to stop talking about this now or I’m gonna have to call him again, and I’m supposed to be saving for a house deposit, among other things lol.

Lol – or the canberra boys could possibly help me out. Let me molest you to rid me of my extra horniness. I’m going out for brekky with Mason and Ambrosia a bit later (they actually sleep at sunrise, unlike myself) but I’ll be ready for some action by 11am I would say, and I’m being really good with the phone lately. I’ll even answer it lolz.

Ooh, I didn’t realise the time, it’s nearly 8.30. I better go jump in the shower and make myself presentable. One thing I hate about Ambrosia is she always looks absolutely stunning, she is the queen of understated class and beauty. Which is fine in itself but makes me feel like I’m an total frump in comparison lolz. She’ll be all coiffed and beautifully dressed and perfumed, and here is me in my flanny pj’s with crazy hair and morning breath.

We can’t have that. It’s a disgrace. It’s ok, I too can perfumed, coiffed and well dressed if I get off my bottom and actually go and do it instead of faffing about talking to you lot. Bugger off, you’re distracting me. I’ll catch up with you later if I havn’t died of dehydration by extreme orgasm in the meantime.

Lani xx

Ps, Mason, you owe me 50 minutes still. I heard you tell Ambrosia you walked out after 10 minutes cos I was broken. Also, you can’t call that a booking, twas a handjob and you never shagged me. Plus it isn’t nice to make people vomit from protracted orgasms. I did not even know that was possible. I do not know whether to feel slightly ripped off timewise or relieved that I didn’t actually die.

Kudos, either way, you win this round, but next time, Gadget, next time……..

However, its still a good day

I’ve had a great morning, with sunrises over the water and arriving early and discovering bunnies and bacon sandwiches. I took photos of the first couple of things and ate the bacon sandwich – I’ll facebook the pics later today.

Yesterday however… sheeeesh!! all sorts of debacles after I spoke to you guys. I’ve been banned from the executive, more about that later, but umm I didn’t actually do anything – I havn’t spoken to anyone in reception since Wifey spoke to Rebecca the manager and Rebecca assurred her we were all cool now. It’s ok, I have a plan B. And a plan C. Happy Hour won’t be affected at all. I suspect it may have something to do with one of the cleaners marching right in while I was in my red swimmers, 2 seconds before a client showed up. I tried to cover by asking where the pool towels were, but she was looking awfully suspicious when she left. Funny how the day before that all was good and the day after that I was banned……. no coincidence there at all lolz.

I’ve asked my legal team (err, that would be Wifey, for the record) to chase it up for me, we are currently trying to get the ban in writing with a list of reasons, if its as pisspoor as I think it will be we’ll be chasing it up. Does anyone know if the fact that the hotel is attached to a leagues club I’m a member of improves or weakens my position? Info would be handy if anyone has any idea. Any club employee’s out there? Drop me a line please Wifey will love you for saving her homework time

Mm full tummy…. all my bacon is gone. All my coffee is gone too, and most of my time. I have to go put myself thru airport security right about now, but if there is time I’ll come back before the plane boards and do another miniblog, this one was a pretty poor effort lolz.

My flight boards in 10 minutes. I am still on the wrong side of security. I must go now. Bai.

Lani xx

I’m having a pseudo lazy day today, by which I mean I am pretending not to do anything at all work related. Really I’m packing and mani/pedicuring and doing laundry and getting suits drycleaned and running around doing all the last minute pre tour stuff I always forget about until its nearly too late. It just feels nicer doing all of that if I pretend it was all my idea of a good way to relax lolz.

I’m slightly worried about the pedicure side of things. My toe is still pretty damn sore.. it looks more normal now but its very tender. I don’t really want to let anyone touch it, especially at the place I normally go to – pearl nails or professionails… They are staffed by Vietnamese girls who’s grasp of English varies but it’s usually more functional than conversational, and the way they do things is first come, first served, conveyor belt style. They are fast and effective, very good value for money, but I wouldn’t say that most of them are even slightly gentle.

I’m thinking of forking out nearly double and going to Endota Spa, where they make it a sensual experience with scented candles and mood lighting, and are much more likely to notice if I start crying like a little girl. The only problem is I don’t have an appointment and they are always booked out…. I can try my luck I geuss. The other option is getting it done at a suburban hairdressers somewhere…. Not really my preferred choice lol. It lacks both the speed and cheapness of the chop shop places, and the atmosphere of a spa. However, its better that than turning up with skanky toes. I’ve had skanky toes for a week and I am not a fan. They have to go.

Hmm I think I left my phone in the car. Thats not cool. Sorry if anyone is trying to call lol, I’ll get back to you in an hour or so.

Wifey and I went and had our hair done yesterday, and afterwards she was telling me about this doco she watched once, it starred Beyonce’s sister, who at that stage had a shaved head. She was talking about the lengths and expense that black women go to to have long straight hair – apparently she first had her hair “permed” (permanently straightened) and had extensions put in when she was 6, which is normal practise where she comes from.

Wifey was amazed by how intricate and difficult and expensive it is for them to keep their hair at that standard – she had previously assumed, like me to some extent I guess, that some black women must just naturally have straight hair, or straighter hair, than others. Then Beyonce’s sis showed a pic of Oprah the day before she was due to get her hair done, with a full ‘fro. Hmm, guess not then lolz.

The end of the show compared white womens quest for blondeness to the black womens quest for sleek hair…. Which is what made Wifey mention it in the first place. My hairdresser has a blonde pixie cut, Wifeys hairdresser has hair so blonde its nearly silver, the apprentice has hair just like mine pretty much, like goldy sort of tones over white blonde, and me, Wifey and the 2 women we didn’t know who were in getting thier hair done at the same time were all blonding it up to one degree or another. Beyonce’s sister may have had a point lol.

Alrighty, sorry its a short one today but I better get a wriggle on or I won’t get everything I need to do done. I dare say Ill be blogging at you from Newcastle Airport Terminal 2 tomorrow morning while I wait for my flight for Canberra. Canberra boys, I still have a couple of gaps in my schedule but you better hurry and put dibs on them or I might decide to go book Mason or something to fill in time Can’t be sitting around twiddling my thumbs in the Nations Capital hehe

ok, love ya and leave ya,

Lani xx

Thats better. All coffee’d up now. I was wrong about being super hungry, my appetite was defineately working, but I could only eat half a bacon sandwich. Thats a pretty poor effort from me. I can usually finish it at least. I might have to do a Homer and go for second breakfast a bit later on lol.

I was thinking of doing a proper piece of writing for my blog as opposed to these big rambly spiels that you usually get. I’m having trouble deciding what to write about though, so I thought I’d give you some options. I would really like people to send me ideas  – and not just about work please, I like to think of myself as more than one dimensional lol – about what you wanna hear me rant and ramble about, but given that I’ve got a few ideas myself, thats probably a good place to start….

1. News and current affairs – My take on the days news.

2. Existential Angst. I’m not sure I spelt that correctly, but basicly The Meaning of Life.

3. A working guide to the sex industry in Australia today – a who’s who, by Lani. (this has the potential of getting me in the shit but would be fun to write) This would include a list of Trustworthy People, as decided by me. It would also include a synopsis of all of the forums I’m aware of, and all the places one might go to advertise or find a provider On second thoughts, I’d probably need like a bullet proof vest afterwards, so lets not go there

4. A short story or peice of fiction, its been a really long time since I did something like that.

5. A descriptive peice – either a person or a place – I like doing those.

6. something you want… tell me.

I just realised I won’t have time to do it for a couple of weeks, what with all the travelling I’ll be doing I’ll have plenty to tell you  I would say, but it’s something I want to start doing. I really admire people who put more planning into their blogs than I do, and I’d like to be able to include a couple of decent peices of writing at some point, I have to say it isn’t what comes naturally to me though.

I’m defineately a spontaneous, in the now type of person. There are advantages and disadvantages to this. One of the disadvantages is I don’t really have great organisational skills – I tend to get things done through force of will rather than careful planning lol. One of the advantages is I’m not a worrier – things always sort themselves out eventually, and theres no point getting your knickers in a knot if things don’t work out, you just change tack and keep going. This often involves me stressing myself to the max when things do go wrong in order to fix them – so i guess I am a bit of a worrier, I just don’t worry about things until they really need to be worried about lol.

OK, the sun is up, I have a few things I need to get done before I start work this morning. I’ll be back later on to see what you want me to blog about lol.

Lani xx

I’m not sure my brain is switched on yet…

Hmmm.. I didn’t mean to upset anyone with my whinging about my sore vageen yesterday. It’s ok now. I’m still accepting offers to kiss it better on the grounds that it doesn’t need to be sore to like a little kiss, but yeah,  I think it’s pretty ok this morning. I’ll give it a test run after brekky and let you know how it goes

I’m super hungry this morning too – Wifey made me eat this enormous dinner when I got home last night cos I’m getting a bit skinny again.. I am at the delicate point now where if I lose any more weight it wont be good, but if I can stay at this weight it will be awesome My short ribs are visible but not the ones further up  – I think anyone who’s entire ribcage can be used as a xylophone has probably taken things too far as far as weight loss goes lol.

Alias, we need to get some pictures happening I think. I have a red bikini with shiny bits that you havn’t seen yet, I was thinking of taking it to Alice Springs

I just want to say at this point that I am super regretful that I was shagging when the mini bar chick came around yesterday, so she left my milk outside the door… where it stayed until I left yesterday afternoon, and it was already warm when I picked it up, so I have no milk for coffee right now. I know I’m rambling, but I blame lack of coffee. I can’t even go and get one from the restaurant cos it doesn’t open til 6.30. God being a nana sux sometimes. I don’t mean I’m a grandmother for the record. I mean I hate that I pass out as soon as I get home and then I’m awake and prowling hours and hours before anyone is ready to talk to me or even make me a coffee in the mornings. Unfair.

Internet Explorer seems to have upgraded since last time I was forced to use it. Whats with the coloured tabs? I have 2 green and a red at the moment. I think the red means “crapsticks – somethings wrong” but no idea what the green one means.

Eggsy… I think you are right about peoples expectations with the fanclub. Which is why I am still not telling you a damn thing except that it will be awesome. Hehehehe.

Blogging is hard without coffee. My brain feels like its walking through water. I keep doing big dopey stares at the wall for extended periods, then waking up and realising its been a while since I had a concious thought lol.

Mark of Frankfurt – thanks for linking my site to the german sex forum – that’s pretty cool Google Translate really wasn’t helping me out much as far as reading the thread went – german sentance structures are kind of hard to follow, and I couldn’t reply to it because I’m too much of a noob apparently, but I just wanted to say that the boys I got to describe me were actually clients, not friends, well, they are friends too, but they’ve seen me in action lolz. I think there was a bit of a misunderstanding there.

Lol… I should stop vagueing out at you and go caffiene up. Maybe then my brain will work with me instead of against me

Lani xx

So, my pussy is feeling stingy right now, after a visit from the Stranger. He seemed like an OK guy, I came like a steam train earlier in the booking from lots of simultaneous eating of clit and tapping of g-spot – I seriously get off on that and can squirt nearly every time… but right now I am not feeling so friendly towards him. I’m thinking I may be less than friendly tomorrow and possibly the next day as well. Frozen peas might help. Frozen peas are good for a lot of things.

I don’t know if he’s read my blog, he seemed to prefer to maintain an emotional distance with me so I’m guessing probably not, but if you read this doll, please try to be more gentle with new friends in future. In order to help with this, here are a few pointers.

1. When I asked how many fingers you had in, I knew it was most of them, cos it hurt like a bitch. That was a hint, especially when I said I only needed 2. Take some out please – If I only need 2 its because 4 won’t fit comfortably.  Being uncomfortable makes me less likely to come, funnily enough. We don’t want that. Also, that is what I imagine giving birth would feel like, so kinda not a turn on.

2. When you said I was amazing and took your watch off and lubed up your wrist, I told you straight out you couldn’t fist me – just because I was smiling doesn’t mean I wasn’t deadly freaking serious…. Don’t think I didn’t notice you trying…. Put it this way, if I sneakily tried to fist YOU, I think you would notice, hey… kinda obvious when someone is delving your inner sanctums in a horny and not altogether considerate sort of way.

3. I get that it looks hot, and you think I’m some kinda porn goddess who can not only take it but laps that stuff up… umm yeah, to a point…. Thanks for the vote of confidence I guess, it is fairly flattering to be rated as some kind of sexual superhuman. Just to be on the safe side, ask first. I actually do know someone you can fist, but she’s in Melbourne at the moment as far as I know. It isn’t me.

 The truth is, I can do more sexually than people who havn’t had as much practice, but I still have limits. I was gentle when explaining them to you, as I wasn’t aware your penis was steering at the time. If I’d known that I would have said it louder and harsher, possibly with the aid of a megaphone. Penis’s tend to have shoddy hearing in my experience.

It’s mostly my fault for not being a bitch demon with many, many rules and limitations, and me assuming most people will be decent and will notice if I’m in pain and make moves to avoid/ minimise it. I could have been a lot more assertive at the time, but I was trying not to ruin the mood, and the methods I used, like moving out of the way, moving his hands from my vag to other parts of my body, making eye contact and grimacing a little bit in pain, that sort of thing, are usually enough, and are a lot less confrontational than stopping the booking and explaining all of the above.

For the record, when I was in parlours I used to stop bookings a lot, as I am fairly sensitive to rough handling and never would have stood the wear and tear if I hadn’t learnt to speak up fast. Since going private wear and tear isn’t such an issue, until you meet gentlemen like our Stranger. In one hour I took as much damage as I used to in a 12 hour shift at La Petite, which was the kind of parlour where you’re always booked back to back. Or it feels that way anyways lol.

In fact, when I tried to give him a heads up afterwards about being gentle his response was something along the lines of “you should be used to it” with a sort of surprised look.

I’m trying to decide whether he really is as big an asshole as it looks at the moment, or just extremely inconsiderate. I’m leaning towards inconsiderate. He doesn’t have a vagina, so it’s hard for him to empathise with what its like to have someone be really rough with yours. He was also someone who really obviously didn’t see a lot of girls, and was really overly excited by the whole experience – didn’t even want a cold drink after, just a quick shower and was out the door.

For the record, I’m not angry at him or anything, just ouchy. I’d probably see him again if he booked, after laying the law down quite firmly re number of fingers to be safely inserted and no swishing action please. At one point I was sure he was trying to spin me on his fingers like a living hula hoop. That’s not cool boys, take note. Lani is not a Hula Hoop. If it happened again then he’d be banned for sure, but I don’t ban people for being crappy lovers, just for being crappy people. Crappy lovers can usually be retrained to your liking. Crappy people are best avoided. If you’re reading this, sorry to call you a crappy lover but you hurt my vajayjay. Good lovers are gentle and considerate. Crappy lovers care about thier own pleasure at other peoples expense. A good lover never walks out the door leaving someone in physical pain unless they are a good lover who’s into BDSM.  See my point?

To summarise – Lani has a sore pussy. This could have been avoided by not shagging the Stranger, or by educating the Stranger on pussy play techniques that actually excite the woman instead of making her feel like she rode a bike with a very small hard seat over bumpy terrain for a couple of days without standing up for the potholes. For the boys, this aint a good thing. It would have the same effect on you. Bruises for a start lol.

I’m going to go home and sit on some frozen peas for a little while. Anyone who wants to kiss my booboo better can drop me an email

Lani xx