Archive for May, 2010

Hello peoples, how are we all this morning?

I just noticed that since I started taking my new pills I havn’t seen the wrong end of dawn…. Maybe me waking up at sparrows fart wasn’t a healthy thing? I don’t know but I’ve slept in again so this blog is going to have to be a quick one…. I still need to take the woofers for a run and shower and shave for work this morning. I’m expecting a busy day with any luck

Hey Newy boys – Pop Quiz. Whats better for you – Cardiff or Honeysuckle??? Let me know.

There was no response from Peter on FB so I guess he has wandered off somewhere and isn’t going to respond. Meh. I’d be interested in hearing from Honherboy, he seems by far to be the more reasonable one of the pair, as he hasn’t actually been attacking me in any way. He could of course be fully backing Peters stand on the issue but he wasn’t pulling faces or anything at the pub… I dunno. As I said, meh. My position is that Peter has his knickers in a knot, and that if you fuck up you apologise before you can expect people to forgive you. No apology, no play nicely. Easy as in my book. He no apologise, I no play nice.

So what is the general consensus on that? the whole apologise for fuckups thing?

I’d like to be clear that the reason I’ll only accept a public apology in this case is that the humiliation, or attempted humiliation, was public. Peter PUBLICLY a) uninvited me to a drinks night, b) banned me from Auxxxreviews and c) tried to blame me for his contractors refusal to perform in her duties towards Auxxxreviews. None of this was my fault, except perhaps in a very roundabout way for being unfriendly with Georgia, the contractor in question.

Given that he felt no compunction at trying to muddy my good name publicly, I feel absolutely no hestitation in telling him to sit on a stick and spin before I will improve his friends list on facebook with a lil half nekkid pic of me. Unless he makes it up to me that is. If he wants to say soz, its all he has to do. Lani is not a grudge holder. Lani fucks up with alarming and almost comedic regularity and does not expect perfection from anyone.

Lani is however not holding her breath in this case. Lani would probably choke on her coffee if Peter acted like a decent human being.

Lol. Speaking in third person is fun. It also makes you come across as either a megalomaniac or a 4 year old hehehe. I’ll go with the first option as I already have the obligatory white fluffy cat… Next time, Gadget, next time…… bahahaha.

Ok, I better go have a shower and find the hedge trimmer….. so overdue for a punani trim right now…. lol.

Lani xx

OK, so maybe I’m cheeky. This I can live with. Upfront also, although people who are better at sneaking around and lying might call upfront “rude” while smiling at your face and stabbing you in the back. This I can also live with. But nasty? A poison pen? ooh… that might be taking liberties with the english language.

I like to call it as I see it. I’m prepared to have to eat my words if I make the wrong call. Please people, I need to know if I should set up with a salt and pepper shaker next time I blog… Apparently I am mean and nasty

Just as I was about to leave the house I got this ….. I’ve included the entire conversation verbatim for posterity. Obviously I am referring to the last 2 bits of course….. To get you started, I first sent this message after getting an “add friend” request from Auxxreviews, which I ignored at first and when it became obvious that they were being slightly douchey like a week later I declined.

 I have had no contact with them apart from what I am about to post since the whole georgia french wouldnt do my banner and they were douches about it debacle.

Lani Caldwell 18 May at 08:24

after you uninvited me to your party and sikked Peter onto me???? Bahahahahahaha.

Au Reviews 18 May at 18:32 Report

No problems Lani, just thought it may have been a nice gesture as it maybe time to start putting the past behind us.

Lani Caldwell 19 May at 05:53

A nice gesture would be a public apology for trying to make me look bad, although publishing the PDF went a long way towards that.

I don’t know if this is peter or Hohnerboy, but honestly, why didn’t you just tell me Georgia didn’t want to do my banner? It would have been a lot nicer than trying to make out it was my fault you guys couldn’t get the job done.

This is a cheap gesture that would get me back onside if I was an idiot. After the nastiness you guys displayed in a tight corner, we arn’t friends. If you want to be friends, it is going to take more than a facebook add friend thing for me to get over the unprofessional and unfriendly way you guys carried on when I was just trying to give you honest feedback about your advertising package.

Lani xx

Au Reviews 30 May at 10:01 Report

As demanded on your blog, here is your answer.

We have NEVER written anything negative about you.

You have the poison pen, not us. We have some restraint and level heads.

Apology? an apology was offered in our first communication with you. You decided to overlook that.

I have nothing more to say, no need to. You would misconstrue anything said to you anyway.

I suggest you read your blogs & try and find one where you don’t attack somebody. Remember all the people cant be wrong all the time.

Deleting any post on your site that may differ from your opinion…lol

I like you where you are, a long way from me & a distant bad memory from the forum never to be relived.

All i can say to you is that i wish you well in sorting out your issues.

Peter..

Lani Caldwell 30 May at 10:16

Where is the apology Peter? I don’t see it anywhere…. If you want to resend it I’m happy to consider it. My whole point was that you tried to pin georgias reluctance to create a banner on me in some way. I didn’t cause the issue but you sure as hell tried to make me pay for it.

If that is your stand on the issue, that’s cool. I’ll post these communications on my blog as your official response.

Lani xx

Any way, there it is. Am I a nasty bitch-monster? I could have sworn I was just a person who expects others to behave in a reasonable way, but like I said, I could be wrong.

Lani xx

PS totally just occurred to me that maybe he is pissed cos I gave SDU a big speil? Meh. Honest opinion…. I don’t have anything at all to do with the owner of SDU, we arn’t friends in any way shape or form… In fact I wasn’t going to be a contributing member until Holly and Mak convinced me to just come back and start posting again after a falling out with the owner. So if I was welcomed back to Auxxx after their ummm…. Well, Peter says they were never nasty. Lets not argue with him just to not make waves. For arguements sake say I was welcomed back. I didn’t make a huge deal about my return to SDU, I just started posting as I normally would anywhere else. I can’t see it being different with anywhere else.

Or A Night of Woot Woot, Disco Disco in A Sleazy Parlour Setting, By Lani.

Ok… I knew Swingers was going to be a challenge for me anyway, before I went. I don’t like being in places or situations where things are more likely to get dangerous than not. I’m not a huge fan of crowds, unless I’m in a situation where crowds are normal, like sales or concerts. I attended swingers with no intention of stripping off or getting kinky with anyone, I kinda just A) wanted to see what the go was, and B) wanted to freak out Wifey hehehe. Plan B backfired somewhat.

The drive down was awesome, lots of 90′s grunge music as Wifey was steering the music and I was steering the car. Wifey definately prefers the whole Nirvana/Seattle grunge thing, and it was kinda nice to do the trip down memory lane with her My musical tastes are all over the place, I can enjoy nearly anything. I used to say anything but rap and country, but that was before Taylor Swift and Eminem. Now its just anything lolz.

It was an incident free trip, I made it to Violet’s place in Ryde on time, parked my car, and just beat Maka up the stairs into Violet’s loungeroom before he got there to take us the rest of the way into the city – he was playing Taxi Boy hehe. I really do appreciate it, I HATE driving in the city, and I’m trying to avoid anything that stressfull at the moment.

Fast forward to meeting everyone… I didn’t get Westys full measure til after we left hehehe. He was sitting at the table with a whole bunch of other people when I arrived, and I made the grand mistake of scoooting in next to him to give him a hug, not realising I’d be trapped in the same spot for the rest of the evening as the table filled up.

Dude, you owe me a new right eardrum, you destroyed me lol. Your voice is mucho powerful, use the force wisely my son.

The problem was that Westy was right in the corner of a booth seat, and me being me, I’d climbed over the furniture to get to him, and I was now wedged in behind table, in between people, with no way out lol. This was fine at first, but as the evening went on was really starting to get to me. I’d been out of sorts all day cos I am on new medicine again, and was feeling stupid in the head and drowsy and whatnot, and now I was trying to be pleasant and sociable while also feeling trapped and confined and edgy. Fun lol. Would be interested to know how many of you there picked up on it and how many I fooled hehehe.

A few notes about the drinks at the pub…. Crappy venue but good for a perve, there were some extremely attractive people wandering around The food was good, and only took like an HOUR to get to the table, which meant I arrived at the swingers club without Holly, which was an error in hindsight.

Hohnerboy, don’t think I didn’t notice you standing right in front of me NOT saying hello. Next time maybe. You owe me a freakin vodka at the very least. Stop being such a snob, and answer my facebook message. I don’t like half assed attempts to get on my good side, but am receptive to proper apologies for blatent rudeness, trying to discredit my reputation as a good person and blaming me for your crappy business practices and whatnot.  

Adding me as a friend on facebook won’t make up for auxxx’s lil faux par, but posting a Welcome Back Lani thread on Auxxx with an apology and a lil present to say sorry would go a long way towards mending bridges. I am not unreasonable, after all I would have said all this in person except you never said hello and I was trapped behind a table, which you could see.

In my world, people try to do the right thing, admit when they fuck up, apologise and try to make amends. They do not blame other people for their problems, ignore people who bring up issues they are uncomfortable with or try to put dirt on people they have wronged. Correction… NICE PEOPLE don’t do those things. Cockwits and assholes do that sort of thing all the time. I’d like to think you and Peter are nice boys, Hohner, Mak keeps telling me you are, but so far your actions arn’t convincing me, sorry.

Enough about them…. you want the bit where I got my tits out, yeah? haha. You’ll have to wait then.

Soooo… After the obligatory schmoozing at drinks was over, we said goodbye to all the pikers who weren’t coming, like Westy hehe, who by the way I had no idea I was taller than until we left, and made our way over to the club. I was with Mak and Eggsy, Wifey went with Holly while I was waiting for my food to arrive (I always get hungry when I drink, its weird. I am always the first to demand a kebab or a maccas run usually hehe) and it was kinda nerve racking waiting out on the street after ringing the doorbell. We got let in, but only far enough so that I ended up wedged in a cramped spot again while the boys were made to hand over cash.

The girl who let us in was Farking Hawt. Brunnette. Obviously a lure for the dumb ones, I had her pegged for clothed and unavailable for everyone as soon as I laid eyes on her. Eggsy was also not fooled, we discussed it on the steep dark stairs as we made our way up.

Ok, I think a flashback to the night I got beaten up in Melbourne is necessary for perspective right now. I’d also like to categorically state that I am not racist or culturalist at this point. The dude who snapped the ligament in my elbow while screaming at me that I was a slut and a whore and spitting on me (twice I think?) before throwing me to the ground and laying the boot in, was a short Indian man, in his 20′s I would say, soft full lips, big dark long lashes, pretty eyes, clear, soft skin, short thick dark hair with a bit of curl in it, and a really sexually aggressive undertone to the way he was looking at me.

His twin was sitting on a stool right at the top of the stairs looking right at me when I walked in. So were 20 other guys with the same looks on their faces…. I have a bit of blur in the memory here. I think I went and found Wifey and demanded that we leave immediately. I was freaking out. I was convinced I was about to get badly hurt again for a second there. I was scared, and I wanted to leave, fast.

I can’t remember how Wifey calmed me down, I am pretty sure I didn’t manage to articulate until later on that it was that particular guy who set it off, and he was a creep… hanging around staring, not speaking or trying to connect with anyone… We went upstairs to the couches near the room where everyone goes to fuck, and he just paced in front of me and Wifey, obviously waiting to see some action. Boys, thats weird behaviour. Say hello if you want to see tittys. Do not mooch in background staring with horny eyes. It is not a turn on, funnily enough.

He was bothering me enough that I went and spoke to the extremely muscular black T-shirt wearing dude who ran the place, and he eventually took Starey McStare-a-lot away for a chat and he left us alone after that.  After which the fun starts

I started to relax after Mr Weirdy was made to go downstairs. I was wearing a nice black wool French Connection top with skinny jeans and boots… great for showing off my ass while keeping warm in the pub, not so great for a swingers venue when you want to be a bit flirty I had in a bag my heels (they never made an appearance, the stairs in that place were fucking lethal) and an extremely short, extremely red, extremely sequined dress. It was hot. RIP hot red dress. It doesnt exist except as a memory or possibly a scarf now

Anyway, all I remember after this point of the evening is blurry snatches. I don’t mean visually impaired vaginas, by the way. Just a montage of WOOT WOOT, DISCO DISCO!! There was a hot guy who pissed me off by asking too often and too insistintly that we go shag… up to a point I was considering giving the place a proper workout, and quite possibly with him, but then decided I was having too much fun dancing lol. There was another hot guy named Xavier, he was from Spain hehe. I liked him. Poor lonely Spaniard. I ended up telling him who I was so he could google me and maybe make a booking He was a bit horrified at my hourly rate so I can’t see it happening… lol.

For a full rundown on what happened to my dress, you can go here – http://www.sensualdownunder.com/forum/showthread.php?t=12373&page=14 and read on from that point It was done by people with better memories than mine

If you arn’t a member of SDU, you probably should be anyway… It’s my preferred sex forum cos it is where all the best peoples can be found The focus is on networking/ making friends in the sex for sale community, and not on reviews, so if you are looking for a review forum, then all the rest are fine. There are reviews on all the other forums, and boys for boys clubbing with if that is more your thing, or advertising at if it ain’t :)  

For anyone who just made a snide comment about me being banned from the other forums, meh. No loss there really, I don’t like to hang out where people don’t want me, so its all worked out for the best anyway. I can’t help it if they don’t recognise awesomeness when it is right in front of them

Ooooh… I just had a conspiracy theory form in my head…. Do you think the hot club owner uses Sincity as a place to pick up hotties for a better looking/ more attractive swingers club?  Where chicks like the girl who opened the door get their gear off? I’d be up for that lol. Mmmmm hotties There were a fair few alright guys but the girls there were a wee bit scary. The eastern european who demanded that I sex with her was preeeettty scary lol.

Oh, that reminds me, Fuck Me, Shelley!!!!! Jeezuz woman, your belly is like a fucking cobra!!! More than that, a cobra who is trying to impress an indian with a flute!!! I was a bit taken aback lolz. I can’t move anywhere near that well. I want bellydancing lessons now

I’ve come up with a few different ideas for old mate who owns the club to get hotter chicks in, Holly, do you reckon he wants to hear them? Wifey and I were brainstorming on the way home in the car I would have been up for more action if there were weeeeely priddy girls there. Like the stripper, but you know, nice to people lol. I can’t believe she got so offended by your lubbly boy dancing with her. I love your lubbly boy, if you guys ever have a falling out, I’ll adopt him hehehe. I was ready to smack his bum for scaring off the pretty girl and ruining the possibility of a dildo show lol. Once I realised it had happened anyway Thats kinda what started my lil strip routine… I was taking up where Pretty Sparkles Girl left off

Anyway, I’m fully rambling now and it is sunny and I must take my poor puppy dogs for a beach run so they dont get fat and so that I dont get fat too

I’ll catch you guys later

Lani xx

Gawd.

I havn’t felt this useless in aaages. I am weak and kittenish. Not sex kittenish unfortunately. Just no energy at all. I’ll try to be slightly more articulate than I was this morning… lol. I havn’t been that pleased to find a rhyme since like year 5.

So, yesterday morning I was all tense and anxious, I had an appointment with a psychiatrist I don’t know from Adam, and I really wasn’t looking forward to it. I guess thats why I hit the car I didn’t see til too late, and scraped my poor abused car all up the side of it. It was on the side of the road, and I was just picking up Wifey to drop her off home before my appointment as she doesn’t drive. She was signalling where she wanted me to pull over, I think and as I looked over to see what she was pointing to the steering wheel went with me, then CRUNCH. Oops and fucksicks all at once.

It wasn’t pretty. There was no where to pull over and it was kinda obvious that my car was ok ish but the other one was pretty bad…. front end crumpled in, headlight hanging from cords like some kinda mechanical eyeball….

Wifey jumped in my car after checking the damage and as I was half in a no standing zone and half hanging out into peak hour traffic I went looking for a safer park. It took me 20 minutes to find one, and then I had to walk back so I could leave my number. By this stage the security guard across the road had left a note dobbing me in, saving me the effort of finding paper at least, and so I was able to add “or you could just call me, as I was the one who hit you – (real name) work number…  ” Which should have been all that was necessary I thought.

I made my way to my appointment, reported to reception, sat down, got a text from the police advising me to call this number and speak to such and such as I was seen fleeing an accident. WTF? I called the number, spoke to the constable and let her know that I’d actually just been trying not to cause another accident so I parked in a safe spot and went back. I asked if that was ok, she said it was fine but that the security guard had said that I fled the scene. For the record, it was peak hour lol. I wasn’t moving fast enough to be fleeing in my opinion.

The thing that shits me about this is that it all happened within half an hour, on a busy main road and I did the right thing as soon as I was able to, but that I was dobbed in and reported to the police before I had had the opportunity to do it. FFS. It just reminds me that most people are assholes who don’t do the right thing, and that I am going to be judged by the same stick that they are. Also, I don’t think it would have killed the security dude to wait half an hour to see if I’d come back and leave a note before calling the police. Meh. In a perfect world I suppose. I just don’t like people assuming that I am a bad person.

So, my psychiatrist was a little Indian or maybe Malay woman (no accent, so I couldn’t tell, just going off appearance really) and when I say little I mean shorter than me lol. She asked a lot of questions and eventually told me that she thinks I may be slightly bipolar with elements of post traumatic stress, and changed my medication. Which is why I feel like a retarded kitten today. Garrr.

Psychiatry sux. Test my brain chemicals or something you silly people, stop using me as a guinea pig and medicating me to see what happens!! It would be giving me the irrats except I don’t have the energy to be angry. Seriously, I could so go a nap right now, and I slept for 12 hours last night. I didn’t get up til 7am and thats a really good sleep in for me.

I still have to take Wifey shopping for an outfit for tonight, she is freaking and doesn’t know what she wants to wear. Then we have to either drive or train it to Sydney, meet up with Eggsy, get ready, and partay into the night with a bunch of ppl who are probably going to be severely pissed with the lil psychiatrist by the end of it lol. I think I’m gonna have to let someone else be the life of the party unless my head miraculously clears itself in time. For the record, Wifey has now tried to rescind her acceptance of the invitation at least, oh I don’t know, 8 times. Hehehe. Without any luck I might add. She is still most defineately coming. The last time was about 2 minutes ago.

I did hear back from the dude who’s car I hit…. But unfortunately I had to leave my work number because my private phone dissapeared on my last tour, and he was calling on a blocked number for half the day. Err… I don’t usually answer blocked numbers, so I didn’t answer him til I got irritated with the phone ringing, picked it up and basically said, “you realise you are calling on a blocked number right?” and asked him to either email me or call back with it unblocked as I needed a contact for him before he could make an appointment. He was sort of hesitant and then asked for an email address, so I gave him the Luscious Lani one… then he said sorry, I think I have the wrong number and said my real name….

oooooogaaawd. Embarrassment. Backpeddelling madly, apologising profusely, I gave him my car rego and insurance company details…. Then went looking for a hole to crawl into. Lol.

Ok, I think my brain is nearly working now. I have to go find an outfit for tonight as well… I’m actually looking forward to going to westfield, theres a place there that does spanish hot chocolate… mmmmmm yummy I’m buying Wifey the cutest little hat, I spotted it last week and thought it would look adorable on her Its a fuzzy red beret with a bow… I hope she likes it, it will look awesome on her Too little girly for mE, I’m too child sized to pull it off – I’d look like I was 6 lol.

Anyway, better get a wriggle on. It’s hard tho, I am all lazy and comfortable

Lani xx

Short blog cos I have wooly head, really should have stayed in bed

Went to see shrink yesterday, smashed someones car (accidently) on the way

I left my number, it’s ok, he didn’t yell at me anyway

got diagnosed with completely new thing and given new pill regime

now feel slightly retarded due to new pills.

the end.

lol, its almost a poem. I seriously need caffiene, I only just woke up. I’m hoping my head clears as the day goes on, or at least that it clears before I get to work next week. Princess is seriously peeved with me for not feeding her yet too. I will kill 2 birds with one stone.

Goodbye blog readers, hello kitchen

Lani xx

nope. No milk. This could be a very boring blog indeed.

Yesterday I got the highest traffic ever on my website. I figured it was all people who saw my ad in the paper checking out my pics, but no, it was all busy busy blog readers lol. I’m in 2 minds on this….. Should I be offended that my gallery is ignored, or pleased that everyone wants to hear me waffle on with shite? I don’t know lol.

Yesterday while a lot of people were carrying on with online nastiness, I was having a lovely indoorsy day meeting new people. I scored a new client with pretty eyes who blushes up a storm when ever you mention them…. hehehe, fun I like people who blush, its adorable

I read someones blog for the first time yesterday, just because someone else said it was funny and dear god, I was horrified. It was one of the pieces of online nastiness I was referring to… I’ve met the person who writes that blog, and havn’t really formed an opinion on them as the meeting was a while back and I only met them once…… which I’m kind of relieved about now. The blog was filled with bitterness and hate and just nastiness, all directed at someone I think doesn’t deserve it, as she is super lovely and like a ray of sunshine.

The central arguement, if we can call it that, seemed to be that if you have a sunny disposition, you might well be severely retarded. Oh well, call me a spazz and lets go count the ships on the horizon, or feed the ducks or something. I would much rather be a full on wheelchair case than live with that much hate and anger in my life. At least in a wheelchair you can learn to do wheelies lol.  I could be wrong about the arguement, I have to admit that after a few paragraphs I started skimming it, it really was that bad…. just pure venom being sprayed around for no apparent reason that I could see.

I really really want a coffee. Its dark and rainy outside though. I don’t like driving when its both dark and rainy… my car sometimes slips out at the back and its freaking scary. I’ll wait til the sun is up and then get milk I think.

 Normally I’d just do a maccas run and get a latte but Wifey and I are trying to save our pennies and start getting money together to upgrade the car and do a few other things that are in the goal book right now I have a terrible habit of spending it as fast as I make it, but Wifey is more of the careful sort and does things like budgets, which are quite handy but not really a part of my nature lol. Also she promised home cooked meals!! Woot!!! I eat out heaps more often than I don’t, I have a serious allergy to sinks full of washing up and also my kitchen gives me the irrats, I don’t like it much at all. I used to cook a lot, but since I moved into this house I’ve pretty much given up.

I shouldn’t have started talking about food and cooking. Now I’m hungry too tummy grumbling at me now.

I have discovered something new. It is nearly impossible to be hungry and type at the same time. Bugger it, I’m going to go get milk and bread. Being hungry hurts, and also my belly is making weird noises. I needs my vegemite toast, and fast. I’ll catch you all later on, on twitter and facebook if I don’t get around to doing another blog today

Lani xx

lol…. My furry cat is laying flat on her back with legs all over the place delicately licking one front paw. She looks like the megaslut Ok, back on topic now.

You guys rock. Thank you so much for your support, not just for the lovely posts and comments I got after posting my blog, but for the love you guys give me all the time. I am throwing out a big all encompassing group hug, so if you wake up feeling slightly bruised around the ribs, it’s because I like bear hugs hehehe.

No seriously, I only had one fucktard try to make a big deal out of it, and everyone knows he is a sad little creep with no life anyway. I got a really inspiring message on SDU from someone who hasn’t told thier family about thier anxiety and who is going to fess up now, and that is awesome in my opinion

Hehe….Wifey is talking in her sleep, or grumbling anyway. She doesn’t sound very impressed with whatever she is dreaming about anyway. People talking in thier sleep cracks me up… When it isn’t me, that is. I used to talk in my sleep all the time, I havn’t heard anyone whinging about it lately but my little sister, damn her to heck, used to perch on the edge of my bed and start conversations with me while I was dreaming, and use the content of those conversations to try to get me in trouble. She was pure spite and nastiness I swear, until she hit 16… after that we became friends. Before that I would have cheerfully strangled her on any given day of the week lol.

I miss my sisters… I have a few of them, and a brother too. And the most awesome sister in law in the world, thanks to my brother developing good taste hehe. I’m the only member of my family who lives in NSW, so before Wifey moved in I was pretty isolated except for my small group of friends. I tend to keep myself to myself, despite the fact that by nature I am extremely social. I think thats mostly due to my work, and the fact that I’m not as out and proud as I feel I should be….

I used to be, before I was disowned…. oops lol. I was taken back into the family fold after I quit work for a boy and started back at Uni. I never told them when I started working again. It’s not something I am proud of, keeping it secret, but I never want to see the looks of disgust and hurt and dissapointment on my families faces again, and they are much happier thinking I am flitting about the country doing a different job.

It’s not just thier opinions either… A lot of my family live in fairly rural locations where the town IQ might add up to 300 – in a population of 50 lol. My littlest sister is still at school, and she copped a lot of nastiness from kids there when it first came out I was working years ago – I’d hate for her to have to go through that again. It isn’t her fault her big sister is a minx lol.

It’s something I toy with occasionally, the thought of coming out. I don’t think I ever will, really, or at least I can’t imagine a set of circumstances where it wouldn’t have a negative impact on someone I love. I have so much admiration for those girls that do represent the rest of us – Mel of Sydney, Jessie Abraham, Robyn Leslie, to name a few, and I so want to be one of them but I do not have either the kahonas or the steely heart to do it to my family again. It would be sooo much harder the second time around, because I already know what the reaction will be.

I think activism is seriously necessary to change the stigma associated with the sex industry, and that maybe I can do my bit through my blog, by baring my soul instead of my face, and showing that the stereotypical hard hearted hooker in torn fishnets is as much of a myth as the black man being part monkey and gays wanting to rape you in the showers. Sorry if thats offensive but I was trying to think of the last couple of big revolutions in our society. It’s a thought I’ve had anyway – I’d like to think I’m helping the cause in a small way.

I spent yesterday morning with Scott from ACON in Newcastle. ACON is the Aids Council of NSW, and shares funding with the Sex Workers Outreach Project. I spoke to Scott because SWOP doesn’t currently have a Newcastle outreach worker, which in itself is disgusting, as far as I am concerned.

 SWOP outreach workers are responsible for visiting parlours and streetbased workers and doing things like teaching how to do a sex health check, promoting safe work practices, educating on OH&S for the industry…. basically making sure the workers know what thier rights and responsibilities are, and teaching them how to keep themselves  as safe as possible. They also teach people how to negotiate a service, they provide condoms and lube to the street workers… all sorts of stuff. Except that it isn’t being done in Newcastle.

I find that more than sad – it’s scary. If it hadn’t been for SWOP I might be riddled with cooties by now, I would never have learned safe work practices. Scott was horrified to find out that at least 4 Newcastle parlours are ignoring OH&S by actively preventing the girls from doing a proper health check – email me if you want the names of the places – by making it standard practice for the receptionist to ask the client to jump in the shower before the girl gets into the room. This prevents the girl from checking for discharge, which can show signs of gonnorhea, syphillus and thrush. Kinda scary, seeing as there is no one around to teach the girls who don’t already know that they should be checking the discharge.

It’s pure stupidity in my opinion. You want your girls to be healthy, don’t you? So let them check, and make sure they know how. The parlours do it to save time – they want the room free quickly for the next job, and checks take an extra 5 minutes.

Ooh… the suns coming up. I am gonna take the boys for a run on the beach, I’m feeling a bit energetic this morning Ooh, no I’m not, that isn’t sun. It’s clouds being backlit by the sun, and it looks yucky outside. Beach run cancelled, I do not like nasty weather. I’m pretty sure the boys don’t like it either. They won’t mind

I better get off my butt and start my day anyway I’ll catch you guys later

Lani xx

Lol, that was a reference to I Love Lucy, if you missed it.

Narky narky Jim, otherwise known as “the Rock” in some circles, has been spamming my blog with his usual vitriol while I’ve been off for the last week. Again.

 Guy’s, he isn’t worth replying to, he has his own agenda, most of which circles around the fantasy life he has created for himself. Really, he is just a short, tubby, George from Sienfeld lookalike who lives with his mother in Melbourne and drives an ultra crappy 4 cylinder 1980′s hatchback of some variety.

Also, he wheezes like Muttley the cartoon dog and has one crazy eye that doesn’t face the right way. He suffers from the “I’m never wrong and everyone is always picking on me” view on life, and has multiple personality issues. At one stage he pretended to be a friend of mine while spreading nastiness and lies about me and every other girl he could get involved with to some degree.

I’m telling you this so you can treat him with the pity or perhaps contempt he deserves. He doesn’t have much of a life, and what there is of it isn’t pleasant. He gets his jollies stalking hookers… that tells you pretty much all you need to know about him, he isn’t a very nice person.

Anyway, it wasn’t him I was going to be splainin’ about. It’s me. There’s something I really ought to fess up about. I told you ages ago that I had to tell you why I don’t like staying in the CBD in Melbourne any more… Some of you who have known me for a while probabaly already know about this.

It starts probably way back when I first discovered FIA on the internet in 2006. I saw the banners of all the tiny expensive blonde privates, while at the time I was a very affordable curvy brunette parlour worker. I decided on the spot that I was upgrading to one of those girls It was a long haul, I had to lose 30 kilo’s, strip a lot of dark dye off my hair (I’d had black hair for a while at that stage), learn how to run my own business, make some friends in the industry, build up a client base, and all the while not let on to my friends and family that I was not only a whore but an independant one who was trying to climb the laddered stocking.

I’ve ticked all those boxes now. I’m a size 6 touring blonde escort with an impressive amount of reviews under my garter and lots of beautiful friends and clients. To get to this level I didn’t spare myself at all. I’m always a hell of a lot harder on myself than I am on other people. I worked flat chat for 2 years while on a carb free diet and strict exersize program, taking no weekends or breaks, spending more time on the computer researching other workers, advertising methods, reading reviews, improving my knoweledge of both myself and the industry than I did in bookings or on the phone.

 At one stage a friend of mine sat me down and did the maths for how I was spending my hours, and worked out that I had worked over 120 hours that week alone. She then pointed out how many hours there were in a week, and said I was a lot less fun than I used to be. That should have been a clue, but I waved it aside and kept on keeping on.

Robyn Leslie made a big point of telling me to slow down and stop to smell the roses occasionally too…. she was also ignored, as were a bunch of well meaning friends and clients and colleagues. I am a superwoman, remember? I don’t need holidays, and I like working.

Fast forward a few years…. It’s August 2009, I’m as thin and blonde as I’ve ever been, I am a nominee for Best Sole Operator, Private Escort, in the Australian Adult Industry Awards, I’ve got a boyfriend with a stunning bottom, we’ve been together for 6 months and we have a plan to buy a beach house in a couple of years.

It’s Thursday night, and I’m going on tour early tomorrow, so I would like a cuddle and a spoon and most probably a shag from my boyfriend before I go. He, however, is being a little weird. Pacing, scowling, not really talking. The whole evening is a bit yucky… I started feeling really odd, I told him I suspected he might be wanting to break up with me, he told me he had a 7 month old daughter named Skye.

As you might suspect, I was less than impressed with that revelation. I am huge on honesty in relationships (yes, and hypocritical, as I don’t tell family or anyone who doesn’t have to know about work) and felt betrayed and angry and horrified. I dumped him and kicked him out of my house, and resolved to go to bed and just go to sleep, the inconsiderate ex had left it until after midnight to tell me this, and I had a 6am flight.

Anyway, fast forwarding through the text explaining that there was no baby Skye, he was just too gutless to dump me, having to leave my luggage behind due to mechanical failure at the airport, the hotel stuff up that left me without any available cash, the lack of anything to wear all weekend, the girls rescuing me with clothes and makeup, the barboy getting fired with no pants on (Hi Hannah), the fight with the security guard to the eventual arrest and assault of lil old me.

I’ll detail it for you if you want to know, but when I’m in a better headspace and I know it won’t upset me. Basically, Melbournes Finest decided that a drunken Lani was a threat to public safety or some such nonsense, handcuffed me, threw me in a paddy wagon and then beat the living shit out of me at the Lonsdale Street holding place. I left 7 hours later with a snapped ligament in my left elbow, bruising all over me, including a nice shiner where they slammed my head against the desk, and some very serious emotional/ nervous system issues.

When I got home 4 days later (I spent the intervening time in my hotel room – I wasn’t up to changing flights or anything like that) I saw my doctor after collapsing in my local Westfield and having my first anxiety attack.

It was the start of a new kind of life for me. I had to learn that I’ve abused myself to the point where I don’t work like a normal person anymore. That is a seriously hard lesson to take in. This happened nearly a year ago, and I am only starting to get to the point now where I can admit it to strangers. My brain is a little bit broken, and I can fix it with time and effort, but it’s not there yet.

I was diagnosed with Anxiety. The way my totally awesome and also very cute doctor explained it to me is that your brain provides different chemicals to produce different feelings. My brain is so used to providing the chemicals that keep me motivated and hyperactive and on a mission that it has lost the ability to pick up on the chemicals that make me relax and chill out.

Add that to me starving myself for a couple of years to lose all the weight, the stress of entering a competitive, superficial and sometimes exceedingly nasty industry and maintaining my own integrity in the face of all the haters, an overestimation on my part about what I can fit into my average day, and than a big scary traumatic beating from a couple of custodial officers, and you have the recipe for preeeetty fucked up.

Basically, on an average fairly cruisy morning at the beach, I can sometimes feel the way you do in peak hour traffic in the rain, it’s nearly dark, strange road and you’re running late. My brain now believes that that level of stress is fairly normal. Because of this, the slightest problem (eg, can’t find phone or keys) can feel like the world is ending. I over react a lot now. It’s embarrassing, especially if you realise half way through an epic rant that you are being an utter tool. It’s kinda scary not being able to trust your own judgement at times. Put it this way, I often get Wifey to read through ranty style posts before I hit go in case I am being retarded at someone.

Anxiety is treated with various types of drugs, and for a while the pills I was prescribed last August seemed to be working fairly well. Unfortunately I left them behind when I went away for a weekend a couple of months ago, and the side effects for these ones are pretty horrific if you stop taking them suddenly. I did a blog a while back where I had a medical drama and I said I didn’t know what caused it…. Well, that was a lie. I’m sorry. It was caused by not taking my pills for 4 days straight.  

Since then, it’s like they havn’t kicked back in. I had a bloody awful week last week, I spent a lot of it yelling and crying or in bed Xanax’d out of my brain, sleeping or re reading my pratchett novels. Err, Xanax is like a chill pill…. it takes all the angry out

All for no good reason. It’s scary and infuriating and embarrassing all at the same time. I’ve got a couple of appointments coming up to try and get my medication fixed, but until it is sorted out I’m probably going to be not very well, and probably going to have days when I can’t or shouldn’t blog. I wasn’t ready to talk about this before, mainly due to the stigma associated with having a mental health problem of some sort.

Sooo… hence the big gut spill. I am doing my best to get on top of this, but after last week I’ve had to admit that this isn’t something I can ignore. I need to get myself sorted out, and I feel the need to let you guys know what is going on with me. Otherwise you might decide that I’m not blogging because I can’t be fucked, or because I don’t care about you, and that is most definately not the case.

So, potential clients, right now you’re probably wondering how this affects me in the sack, right? Truthfully, it doesn’t seem to affect me much  in bookings, but I can sometimes be a nervous wreck beforehand, which is unusual for me, or get really really flustered trying to find the place or make it there on time. Sometimes if I am feeling super super edgy I find I need to give a massage to the client before I can really relax and get into things (it’s something about the combo of skin on skin, and you being all relaxed and non threatening I think… I don’t know but it works a treat), although I think this has happened a total of twice. Most of the time I find that once I am there, I feel relieved and I can get a hug, which tends to fix me right up

I’ve been working out what triggers the anxiety, and what helps relieve it, and trying to re order my life so that I am not constantly freaking out about nothing. For example, traffic in Sydney freaks me out, especially the horrid horrid Sydney CBD. So I don’t drive to the CBD now. I drive to a friends house, park the car, and call a cab. I’ve worked out that other people offering to help when I am freaking out about something or hovering around in a concerned fashion is definately not a help, but a trigger in itself. High pitched noises (dogs barking, phones ringing,  kids or babies screaming), people or things needing my attention when I don’t have time to give to them, rude customer service people…. lots of triggers lol.

On the other hand, I havn’t worked out heaps of things that calm me down apart from fixing the problem immediately in front of me, as illogical as that problem may be… theres Xanax, time alone in a quiet place, sleeping, reading a book I’ve read before (weird, I know), cuddling my cat, but only if she stays still, if she is being all needy I have to put her down and walk away. Apart from that, not a lot once I get started.

Anxiety presents itself in different ways. Most of the time I am perfectly fine…. unless there is a problem with something. Especially with something that was supposed to be really easy. Or unless I am tired or hungry – tired and hungry is a very bad combo for me at the moment. I start catastrophising (storm in a teacup syndrome), over reacting emotionally to things that normally wouldn’t bother me (like the high pitched noise thing), and getting very angry and jittery. I get very shouty at times, often when its completely undeserved by anyone around me, and in fact might be due to toast being stuck in the toaster or something else fairly ghey.

Other people who have anxiety can have different symptoms or ways of displaying thier anxiety, such as full scale panic attacks where you can’t speak or breathe but just kind of gasp and rock (I have only had one of these, the day I was diagnosed), a tendancy to cry or dry wash thier hands, or feel confronted in a non confrontational situation. Mine presents as anger usually, probably due to the mistaken self belief that I am a superhero who can smash through any problem lol.

So… What if you are unlucky enough to be with me when I am being a basket case? Umm, first off, my apologies…. I don’t mean to be mental at you. Secondly, please just sit back and let me sort out what ever I am freaking out about. Don’t offer to help, I’ll probably get offended (I’m irrational when in the midst of it) but if you can bear with me, I’ll have a shitload of nervous energy to burn off afterwards, and I am actually aware (this is the embarrassing part) that I am being a fuckstick, I just can’t seem to pull myself up sometimes. So basically, you’ll get an apologetic, energetic Lani with something to make up to you. Plus I will feel a hell of a lot better if I can shag the shit out of you. Lol.

So what am I doing about this? Besides trying to destress my life by staying closer to home and not drinking in Melbournes CBD ever again? I’m being referred to a phsycologist (sp?) who can adjust my medication or change it entirely, which is apparently a bit of a shot in the dark approach – they don’t know why my old pills stopped working, or why some pills work well for some people and not for others, so it’s a case of trial and error til they get me on the right pills. What the pills do is give me a longer fuse, make me generally cruisier and less likely to get stressed about things.

The other part of the treatment, once I am on pills that are working effectively, is to do Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which to my understanding is like retraining the way your brain reacts to certain situations. I’m somewhat nervous about this bit. My situation/ lifestyle isn’t your average one, and I love my job, love my life, love my wifey…. I feel defensive in advance that the therapist may be anti any of these things. My doctor knows all of this though, and she says that she thinks she has referred me to a good one for me. I’ve got an appointment coming up in the next couple of weeks, anyway, so I’ll let you know.

So yah. Umm. Still love me?

Wifey was in two minds about me telling you all this, but to tell you the truth, if this puts you off seeing me, good. I probably can’t deal with someone as insensitive as that at the moment. Anyway, now that you know whats going on, if I don’t blog for a day or two it could be for a few reasons… not good headspace, busy as fuck, can’t get time alone to write… lots of things. Also, my laptop has crapped itself again. I am using wifeys right now, and planning to take mine in, have vista ripped out of it and windows 7 installed as soon as I have time to take it to someone. Which might not be this week at a good guess.

Please don’t stress out about this news, it isn’t a new condition, I’m not gonna die or be more unreasonable than I have been in the last 8 months…. But I thought it was only fair to tell you seeing as it is affecting my blog, and also some bookings. If I know I can’t reverse out of the driveway without losing it, then I know that I can’t hang out with you because I can’t get there, so cancelling may be necessary. I just hate lying about it, and when I realised I was lying about it a lot, and that it isn’t like I have something to be ashamed of, I felt like a confession was in order.

On the work front, I have discovered a company in Newcastle that leases out like townhouses and such as serviced apartments…. Woot I have a place booked with them in Wickham today, it has harbour views so I am assuming its near the drydock somewhere I’ll be checking in at 10am if anyone would like a boost of Vitamin Shag

Also, Wifey and I have a plan that might be awesome. I may have figured out a way around the whole problem of council regulations for my own rental workplace hehee. Maybe. The legal team (err, Wifey that is) is looking into the nitty gritty’s of it She is much much better than I at things like small print and beaurocrats. She has this thing called patience lol. The only thing is, do you guys care if my dogs are out the back? You can meet them if you want. They are lovely boys but might jump a bit if they like you. They won’t be inside, ever, they are too big and smelly for inside lol.

Ok, this blog is getting slightly epic. I’ll give you a break lol. Hopefully will be back again today, I have heaps of stuff I meant to tell you about last week… oops

Lani xx

I smashed thru 4 pages of inbox this morning, reducing it to 537 emails at the moment It was up over 900 when I woke up. So some of you might have emails waiting for you if you were waiting on confirmations of bookings Also, I love all these new ppl following me on twitter, not loving the notification emails clogging up my inbox quite so much. I’m guessing you can probably turn them off but meh.

It’s very cold this morning. I am doing the super classy ugg boots and dressing gown look, with a double wrapped doona, and my feet are still cold. I really am not a fan of cold weather. I suppose turning the heater on would help, but I’m not really a fan of hot air blasting in my face either. It makes my lips all dry and hurty. I need my lips for kissing and stuff, so this is not ideal either.

Excuse the lack of a blog yesterday, I was on this huge mission to locate the phone I lost on the first day of my Canberra Tour. It’s an iPhone, so I’m a bit peeved at myself for losing it. I suck like that, I’m always losing things. Anyway, turns out you have to do a big lap of ringing Optus, and then the police, and then the insurance company, and then you wait for a few weeks, and then you maybe get a new phone. They don’t bother activating any of those nifty things they have so you can find the old phone. Apparently there are a few different ways you can track a lost iPhone, but no one knows how to do it, or they reckon it’s someone elses job, for example optus think the police can track it and vice versa, but both claim not to be able to do it themselves. Frustrating.

Anyway, stuff to see, people to do, all that jazz, I’ll try to catch up again later today.

Lani xx

Mooorning

I’ve already done a booking today, and now I’m having mango sweet chilli philly with water crackers for breakfast, because it was left over from lunch yesterday and needs eating. And tim tams. Well, one tim tam anyway. I’m not dieting or anything, its just that there was only one left in the packet.

I remembered something I meant to tell you yesterday that I forgot in the rush. I now have a wedding dress for anyone who wants a bride fantasy… Ambrosia and I did a double bride booking that was both sexy and hilarious. It’s hanging in my bedroom looking decidedly out of place.It’s the only virginal looking thing in there.

I wanted to have a bitch about people who spout moralistic shit all the time and then do the exact opposite. I met someone in Canberra who went about trying to book me in a fairly pushy, rude and inconsiderate manner (ie, not through my advertised contact methods for a start, and after I specifically asked him to leave it for the minute or email me for a booking and wait til I’ve had a chance to respond) at a time when I was tired, cross, sleepy, and not in the mood for more paperwork.

I get that people making bookings are generally horny, and therefore running on limited brain capacity, as the penis is snatching away all the blood flow necessary for making the brain work. I don’t have a problem with that, as long as they understand that I am a person, not a machine.

The person I have a problem with seemed to think my admin hours are 24/7 and had a major issue with me pulling him up for being inconsiderate after I told him straight up I was tired, didn’t want to take a booking right now, and he continued to try to make an appointment then and there. His response at the time to “It’s late, can you email me and I’ll get back to you” was “but I want to book you!! I’m horny!!”

For the record, we were no longer in the same State, and there was no chance of me shagging him in the near future anyway. He was just being a git. Oh, and then he went and posted something very disrespectful on one of the forums….. None of this would bother me so much if he wasn’t constantly telling others to be respectful of women in general and WL’s in particular. Hypocrisy gets right up my nose. Ahh vent over Well, that vent anyway lolz.

Garr… Real estate issues. Just got a nasty phone call from a cranky property manager. I keep telling them not to post anything, email instead cos the kids across the road steal my mail, but apparently they failed to make a note of that. Sooo… Property inspection you say? This morning you say? Since when?? I say. There is no email, and I have no letter. Therefore, no property inspection. For a start, I am not at home. For a seconder, you don’t know this yet, but actually I changed the locks a while back, so your key won’t be of much use. (That wasn’t on purpose, I just realised a shitload of ppl had keys to my house, and some of them were ppl who didn’t need access anymore)

Wifey just called me to say that the property manager made a note on my file that I am rude and should have my lease terminated (I think I was assertive, but not rude. I just told her that if she wants me to receive my mail she should have emailed it as per my request 2 years ago, and that she had not done that, so I wasn’t obliged to let her in the house and she’d have to email me with an alternative date). I rang the manager of the branch to let her know what the property manager had said. She was not happy with property manager lol. Why is it so satisfying when you get people with a misplaced sense of their own importance in trouble with their boss? I don’t know, but I have a warm glow in my belly now. Hehehe.

OMG – that was the other thing I was going to finish telling you. Apparently I physically threatened the manager at the Executive. I must have not been paying attention, because I can’t remember doing it. I don’t know whether it was supposed to have have happened before or after she got me to pay for an extra 2 days accommodation, but giving her the go ahead to take money from the credit card over the phone in a 10 second conversation was the only contact I had with her after the incident at the desk, and before she told me not to come back. It’s a mystery. And the second hotel I can’t use is the Gateway, their booking systems are linked and a big red flag with my name on it came up when I tried to book in for this week. Garr. All this because some old duck got her knickers in a twist.

Umm, something happy to finish off with, can’t be bitching about stuff all the time….. It’s a beautiful but chilly sort of day, my bicycle is over on the other side of the room, and I have to ride up the foreshore in lovely sunshine before catching a train back home. I’ve even figured out that if I go one stop further than I usually do its a downhill ride all the way home. When I get home I’m going to have to decide between visiting with friends for the afternoon or taking my big woofers out for a run. I like those sorts of decisions. I’ll let you know tomorrow what I decide

Lani xx

Ps – just cos I took it up the butt once doesn’t mean everyone gets a go. I forgot to mention that to the last dude yesterday, and got a surprise finger up the date while I wasn’t watching. Oops. I will say this for anal training, I didn’t actually bitch slap him because it didn’t hurt like I expected it to. I did let him know that it isn’t part of the service though. If I ever change my mind on that, you’ll know. I’ll post it somewhere in big flashy letters. Until then, my ass is out of bounds for everyone except me lolz.