Archive for June, 2010

now that is a headfuck. wrote a lovely angsty blog and it didn’t fucking publish properly.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AgZla9LETtI – here you go, a wanky clip…. I didn’t bother watching yours for the record.

Basically, Cowardly and Spineless – get fucked. Fuck off, don’t read my blog, you are a piece of scum and I regret the day I met you. I don’t have a single happy memory of you, you lied the entire time we were together. Do me a favour and forget I exist.

For everyone else, Cowardly and Spineless is the fuckwit mechanic I dated last year, the one who dumped me by use of imaginary baby. He referred to himself as “the cowardly and spineless”, so I’m not being (very) nasty.

He just sent me a very ghey email asking for us to sever our connected energies so he can have closure. Oh, and the baby is real apparently. Nice to know hey? I’ve even been told her birthday, so I can send her a pressie on her birthday now, I guess. Poor kid needs all the help she can get, with a pathological liar for a father, I suppose.

Garr. Some people…..What a start to the day.

Lani xx

Kristen Bell – has a different shaped smile She is super cute tho so thank you

Elisha Cuthbert – Very similar when she has her smouldery face going, but her cheekbones are way more pronounced than mine when she is smiling, my cheekbones are tiny not big and beautiful like hers…  Still, she is also super cute

Naomi Watts is very similar, with maybe a slightly pointier chin   and shes cute too

Kylie is old enough to be my teen mum She is still hot tho, I love the pic on the single for all the lovers, she looks ecstatic or euphoric Her face is a lot more structured than mine, with that long clean jaw

I’ve been compared to Kylie before, we have the same bottom lolz, but I had to google the other 3.  Keep em coming, we have not found my celeb twin yet. I think Brit Murphy was a good call except for the eye colour. I want to get brown contacts one day and see what I look like hehe. Brit and I have the same lip curl going on

Anyhoo, got any others?

But you don’t really care for music, do you?

But it goes like this, the fourth the fifth,

The minor fall, the major lift

The baffled king composes Hallelujah.

Above is one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard.

Until yesterday I’d only heard the version that most of us know, the gorgeous and tragic version from the gorgeous and tragic Jeff Buckley. I downloaded “Grace” yesterday as well, and was playing it during lunch yesterday.

Wifey know’s the Leonard Cohen version (I’ve never heard it, so just passing on what she said) and she said his version is better, and his voice is darker and moodier.

As you guys know, I had Mowby around yesterday for lunch, and he told me he heard “some butch lesbian, she doesn’t look attractive in the slightest” (hehe sorry Mowbs, was too good a description to leave out ) sing an even better version at the Vancouver Olympics. My first thought was Celine Dion on a bad hair day, but no, not her.

We resorted to Youtube for help, and I was treated to K.D. Lang belting Hallelujah out of the depths of her cockles. You can tell its a culmination of her whole life’s work, singing one of her favourite songs in front of her home country at one of the most prestigious events in the world – the Opening Ceremony of the Olympic games.

It gave me fucking goosebumps. She absolutely smashes it…. I so so so would LOVE to be able to sing like that. It’s hearing song’s sung that way that makes me want to do voice training – my voice only likes the midrange lol, too high or too low and I start warbling.

Monkeyboy assures me there is no reason my pics should not load, and I am uber uber proud of my cooking yesterday, so I’ll try to show you my efforts

Ok, instead of a scrumptious shot of lamb rack with veg, we get this:

Fatal error: Allowed memory size of 33554432 bytes exhausted (tried to allocate 2385 bytes) in /home/luscious/public_html/home/wp-includes/media.php on line 243.

I unbolded the 243 for the record, I couldn’t figure out how to turn bold off if I didn’t… everything after that would have been in bold otherwise.

Anyway Monkeyboy, I still have no pics. You are the tech expert here , HELP ME!!!!!!!!!! Otherwise you are depriving the world of some very awesome things. Like my roast lamb, for a start, and gratuitous nudity for a seconder. Also, I’m still plugging away on my Newcastle pages but I have no freaking idea what to do with them when I finish.

Folks, we have unfinished business. Hang on, it deserves its own blog,so that can wait I think.

mmm nah, I’m just rambling here. off to start a new blog

Lani xx

Is stuck in my head. It’s a pretty song, but I only know like three words of it.  That is not cool.

“All the lovers…..

something something something

They don’t compare…. do do do do do do do do do do do

to you…”

ZOMG. Just has the best phone call – Wife wanting to wrap me up for husbands birthday. In Sydney I gave her a couple of recommendations for Sydney girls, would love to hear about the end result… I love love love generous wives. I gave her a blonde and a brunette, both of whom are awesome.

I can’t got to Sydney today, I have to stay home and cook Mowby  a roast over at the apartment for putting up with my forgetful self. I have stood him up so many times now that the least he deserves is a free feed. I don’t know if he’ll survive the experience, if you don’t see him commenting after this its probably due to death from domestic ineptness or the like.

I’m thinking of cooking roast lamb shanks rubbed with salt and olive oil and rosemary, and whole potatoes and sweet potatoes rubbed with same, and some steamed veggies. I’m gonna wear an apron hehe. Apron’s rock. I may even wear clothes underneath said apron if its chilly

Fuck me it’s chilly right now…. the sun is just stirring and thinking about sticking one leg outside it’s doona to test the temperature this morning. Wifey fell asleep directly under the heater so I don’t want to turn it on because it will blast her in the face, but I do want to turn it on because I am typing with frozen blue sticks instead of fingers at the moment.

I was really cheeky and made two coffees instead of the one when I went out to the kitchen earlier. Interesting fact – I can drink 2 in the time it usually takes me to drink one, and I still feel like making another. I won’t though, trying not to go batshit crazy lol, and caffeine doesn’t help me in large doses.

So yesterday was awesome. I took the boys to Nesca Park, which is where I used to take my original dog, who was the best dog ever. He died a few years back of old age, very sad, and I havn’t really been back to that park since. I forgot how beautiful the place was. It was pretty cool watching my 2 new dogs exploring ground I used to walk every day, and I am contemplating starting my hill walks again.

I used to be uber fit from pounding up and down the Hill every day. The Hill gets a capital at the front of it’s name for a few reasons.

1. Its Huge. It’s unmissable, and if it wasn’t there a good bit more of Newcastle would have beach views I think, it hides the beach from most of the innercity suburbs.

2. It sticks out like the proverbial. It is “THE Hill” as opposed to “a hill”. No point asking “which hill”, it should be fairly obvious.

3. It is big enough that it is not just a hill, but a suburb as well. Called, funnily enough, “The Hill”.

It is the best place for both getting fit and watching all the hot chicks walk purposefully along the beachfront and the cliffs with weights in each hand and a bit of attitude hehe – they know they look good

Can I be bothered today? mmmm nah.  Too cold, and I don’t know if I have clean socks. The washing is currently in a mountainesque heap in the corner of the lounge room waiting for someone more motivated than me to either iron and fold it all or call a washerwoman. I am not sockdiving in that heap at this hour of the morning.

Yes, Lani is Lazy. Also, Lani is cold. Lani can’t be fucked having a shower just yet because Lani will freeze her tits off as soon as she turns the hot water off. Lani’s bathroom is damn near arctic right now. Lani will wait til the sunshine has melted some of the frostiness out of the day before she risks hypothermia. hehehe, 3rd person is still fun

Speaking of laundry, I better go stick a load in the washer. I have way too many clothes, this is more obvious when most of them are in the wash. I’m the only person I know who has 6 different undies drawers. I don’t know if I should be ashamed of this. I’d forgotten, but Wifey mentioned that one of my goals at 18 was to own at least 70 pairs of knickers…. I knocked that one over at least lol. I know for a fact I own more than 70 pairs of knickers lol.

Am I the Imelda Marcos of the pantal regions? Or is this normal for a lady of the night daytime? Girls? Help me out here…. Does anyone else have enough underwear to go a whole school term without wearing the same pair twice? I know Hannah owns a lot of dresses….. Am I weird, or just awesome? I need to know lolz.

If it makes any difference Ambrosia owns more schl0ngs of the rubber variety…. lol. She has the lifelike ones with veins. I have pretty ones…. I figure a cock isn’t there to look good, but if you can find a pretty substitute you should buy it lol. Lots of my vibrators and dildoes look amazing.

Faaaark, it’s cold. I swear it is cooling down instead of heating up. Maybe if I get active my fingers won’t feel so likely to snap off at the base.

Bahahahaah. Wifey just did a huge lumberjack snore. What a crackup. She’ll kill me if she see’s this you know. Living dangerously is fun

Ok, now I’m just rambling. I am gonna see if it is warmer outside.. I might take the woofers for a walk if it is

Hey Mowby, I’m bringing M over to the apartment if you don’t mind. He can eat what is left over from lunch so it doesn’t go to waste There’s a lovely courtyard so he won’t be inside (woofers are outside animals imo, especially big ones like mine) and he likes lil excursions like that. K would just bark his head off and try to barge inside, so he can stay at home. He has deplorable manners, that one.

ok, I can almost hear ice crystals crunching as I type, this is getting rediculous. Taking my frozen self outside for a bit

Lani xx

OH WHAT A LOVERLY DAAAAAY

DOOP DOOP DOOP DE DOOP DOOP

La la la la lalalalaaaaa

La la la la la laaaaaaaaaaaaaa

So Spread your sunshine all over the place and

Put on a happpyy FAAAAAACE.

BOM BOM.

I always sing that when the sun is shining. Its an amalgamation of musical hits from half remembered songs of my childhood.

The sun is shining, the birds are singing, my puppies are frisking and begging for a walk. Who am I to say no to those big brown eyes?

It would be a shame and a waste if I didn’t take them for a good long walk.

I’ve slept through Blog O’clock again, I might have to see if I can adjust my sleeping patterns either back to Uber Nana or forward to Normal Person. I kinda like being Uber Nana, but being able to stay awake and interesting until say 10 pm would have its benefits too.

Anyway, times awasting and so is the sunshine. I’ll blog more later if the day goes well, and tomorrow if I get hectic

Lub you’s

Lani xx

lol, thats the whole blog really…. So far Gen has put forward Brittany Murphy (but she has brown eyes) and Reece Witherspoon (nah, that’s Ambrosia’s celeb twin)….

Throw a few more my way please? it cracks me up

Lani xx

Morning peoples, how are we all today?

You know what I hate? Hypocrites. Can’t stand them. I have a childish urge to trip them up and watch them faceplant damn near every time. Can’t help myself. Which is one of the reasons I am often in the shit.

Like on one for the forums at the moment, there’s this guy… He claims to have “respect for women, persecuted for centuries”, however, when I called him on his signature and said that I didn’t think he was respectful at all, he changed it to “respect for women (who deserve respect)”. Love the qualifying statement. I’d like to ask who gets to decide what the deserving factors are, but I’m afraid I’ll laugh my actual guts up when I hear the answer. My guess is it isn’t a woman lol.

Now, this is not the first run in. We’ve clashed before (but I am not going into details on Boaters advice) and my perceptions of the previous run ins have coloured my perceptions of this one quite strongly I suspect. I see him as quite passive aggressive to be honest, and not very good at dealing with direct confrontation.

I did give him some excuse… I’ll go into that later.

In other words I feel that he uses flattery as a weapon, and is as forthcoming with his actual views as your average serial killer is about where they hid the bodies.  In other words, if his opinion will get him into trouble, he hides it. I don’t like that in a person. It’s indicative of cowardice in my opinion.

I like someone who voices their opinion even if it means that things are about to get interesting and possibly heated. Example Boater disagreeing the other day. He may not always agree with me but he still has my respect… I really value the ability to talk about a divergence in opinion even if you think it will land you in hot water.

I am trying to be empathetic towards this person and imagine what he is feeling. Probably embarrassed and flustered? Possibly annoyed or insulted? Injured?

I called him on it in public after holding the opinion to myself for quite a while. If that had happened to me, my response would be to ask myself if it were true, and if it was, to agree and apologise if necessary. However, most peoples default setting seems to be deny and then attack.

He sent me a PM that denied all allegations basically. He also quite handily resent all communications between us, which I was able to examine for traces of me being a harsh and horrible bitch monster.

I think I was a smart ass, based on the fact that I felt his first email was a no effort attempt… he didn’t google me first or anything. I pretty much, based on the effort and expense that goes into my website, expect people to do their home work before contacting me. I feel its lazy to do otherwise, and I think people forget that I’m only one person – I don’t have time to tell every person that rings all the stuff I included on the website. It’s a pretty big website after all.

LoL. I was just about to say that I should write that on the website somewhere, and then I realised its already on the contact page that I expect you to find out what you need to know before you call me. So there you go

So anyway, I was a smart ass at first, then I was cold and distant. I wasn’t friendly, and for that I apologise. I should have been. If I had been more upfront and less on my high horse, you would have less reason to be offended. If I had been more approachable at first, you may not have felt the need to get passive aggressive about things. I’m responsible for setting the tone to an honest and genuine enquiry turning nasty. Sorry if that isn’t articulated very well. I was tired and bitchy and being precious, and for that I apologise. It was uncool.

In explanation, not defense, I was exhausted and have become used to people knowing a bit about me before they contact me directly. I’m ever so slightly famous. Z grade famous maybe lol. I aim to be at least a B grade celebrity before I kick the bucket, and I’m on my way… everyone who knows me has heard about me

If you are reading this (he knows who he is peoples) then the reason I found your behaviour in chat offensive is because you repeatedly requested to make a booking not once but many times, I repeatedly told you I was there for downtime, which you ignored, and you persisted with your enquiries.

That is not respectful behaviour for these reasons.

1) I said “not now”. If you had “respected” that, we wouldn’t be where we are today. I could have taken your booking at any stage – I’d left your city and still havn’t made any firm plans to come back. There was and still is no rush.

2) I don’t make bookings in chat. I do on the phone and by email. Usually during business hours. I could be wrong, but I am fairly sure I did mention that you should send me an email and I would get back to you. You persisted with your enquiries despite this.

3) One of the responses you gave me to “not now” was “but I want to make a booking!!”. Yep, I get that, but I said “not now”. I don’t care if you want to make a booking. I am not at work right now as far as I am concerned. Your needs can wait til I am refreshed and ready to deal with them please.

It’s like approaching a dentist on the plane with “but my teeth hurt”. The response should be “yes, and?…….  I’m off duty, go away”. It’s not appropriate to expect professionals to provide their service on their own time. Everyone should have a life that includes time for relaxation.There’s a time and place for everything, chat was not the place, late at night was not a good time.

At the time of your repeated harassings of me in chat (yes, I honestly felt bothered by it) I was physically and mentally exhausted, and I wanted to catch up with my friends for a bit of emotional cyberhugging and whatnot. I did not want to deal with horny punters. I’d had all I could take of horny punters, and could not deal with someone petulantly assuming that I was ready to take advance tour bookings for a city I had left less than 24 hours previously.

Your assumption that taking bookings or making money is all I should be concerned with (as opposed to getting some relaxation in – I can only assume that you found my unwillingness to take your booking right there and then as an unwillingness to take it ever or something… ) was offensive as it preassumes that I have no other life, and/or that your immediate needs (to make a booking) was more important than my immediate needs (to reconnect with friends).

I am not just Lani the Super Whore you know. I am also Lani the Bleary Eyed at times. At other times I can be Lani the Can’t be Fucked, Lani the Fat and Frumpy (gotta love premenstrual symptoms lol) and Lani the Hungover. None of those Lani’s want to deal with you either. Most of them can’t deal with anything more than a panadol and a good lie down.

Your response should have been more along the lines of “cool bananas, I’ll keep an eye on your touring page” as opposed to your actual response, which we won’t go into here.

Anyhoo. Let’s just say I probably could have handled this person better if we weren’t so busy offending each other. I do feel that I would have been better off handling this persons ego with kid gloves, it seems that it is a delicate thing… Mine bounces though… plenty of people have tried to shatter it and it ends up higher in the clouds than ever, so I forget other people arn’t as big headed and thick skinned as I can be.

Mistakes were made on both sides. As the matter stands, he thinks I’m a rabid she bitch, and I think he is a *oooh hang on, that’s not helping matters, delete*…..  anyway, my opinion shouldn’t matter. No one is perfect, and I bet he has many remarkable qualities that I am no doubt unaware of.

Mistakes are learning curves if you look at them the right way. What have I learned? I can be a precious cow when I want to be, that’s one thing.

People will get defensive and unpleasant if I am abrupt or my expectations are too high…. I shouldn’t expect them to be as mature as I do in most instances, it is setting myself up for disappointment. That’s another.

Some people are just cockheads… I knew that already but it has just clicked that they are much more likely to become that way if I am also acting like a giant penis brain. Lol… better it clicked late than never I suppose.

Anyway, this giant penis brain has other stuff to do and must get a wriggle on.

Lani xx

Aaaand therefore I am awake Yay. How awesome is that?

MW, Wifey does set an alarm for me. It’s just that she thinks getting up at 4am is nutty, so she refuses to set it for the right time lol. It’s currently due to go off in 40 minutes. And I do have my own alarm you know… it’s just that alarms do jack for waking me up unless it is for a specific reason like a flight or something, and then I’ll usually wake up just before it goes off anyways. Otherwise I snooze right through it. I slept through an actual earthquake once where paintings fell off the wall and smashed and everything… Just good at sleeping, I guess.

Maka is better at sleeping, and that is why he slept til one. On a weekday heheheh. That’s an epic fail Maka. You SHOULD be copping grief. All your family and friends have a duty to remind you of epic failings, remember? hehehehe.

Guess what is playing on my mental soundtrack right now ? at 6am?” I LIKE THAT…(techno bit)….I LIKE THAT…..my body rocks a rhythm, you beat my drum hard, my body rocks a rhythm, rocks a rhythm, rocks a rhythm…. (techno bit again)”. I wish my mental soundtrack programmer (ie, my subconscious) would learn some DJ’ing skills. This is not an appropriate tune. I am still on my first coffee you know. It should be playing something mellow to soothe me into the day, but no. I get pumping club beats. I know for a fact I have Pete Murrey and Jack Johnson tracks memorised… My brain is choosing to ignore this fact lol.

My tummy feels funny. I shouldn’t have had cupcakes for dinner. Wifey went out and left me to fend for my self. They were very pretty cupcakes, but I don’t think prettiness improved their nutritional content. They had stars and hearts made of pretty confectionery on top of them… and loads of rich butter icing, and way more sugar than a main meal should have.

Wow. Go my ADD this morning. lol. Must be from the cupcakes last night. I knew all that sugar was gonna come back and fatten up my ass or something.

Fergus, gonna do some myth-busting here with you. Lani is not a wealthy woman. Lani gets bills same as everyone else, and has been smashing cars a lot lately. Lani is on her P’s, and as such has fucking rediculous excess to pay on her insurance. Lani has to pay lots of money for accommodation and whatnot so her income is severely curtailed by having to pay for somewhere to work, advertising to get work, flights to get to the work, and other inconvenient truths.

Put it this way, this weeks accommodation is over 900 bucks. Lani refuses to work from crappy places. It lacks class to compete for standing room with the cockroaches. Also, Lani fears the cockroaches will raid her wardrobe – in Newcastle the cockroaches can swap outfits with Lani because of the similar sizes.

Lani won’t be buying a zippy anything until all the bills are sorted. This makes Lani extremely sad and she wishes her finances were as spiffy as other people assume they are. Unfortunately, other people don’t know about all the overheads etc.  Other people also assume that Lani is  booked every hour of the day, and don’t see how much cancellations and whatnot affect Lani’s  bottom line.

Speaking in third person is fun lol.

I also have that unfortunate condition where I care more about people than about money. I don’t have a buzzer, I don’t have set song lists to time bookings with, I just play, and stop playing when it feels right. This means I go over time most of the time, and I also take my time getting cleaned up and ready for my next booking to keep stress levels down – I hate rushing or feeling like I am running late. So I’m not a conveyor belt…. I’m not pumping out the cash anywhere near as efficiently as I could.

I can’t see me having the cash reserves to buy a new anything until all the bills are sorted and I’m established in the one workplace so I can build proper regulars and a timed routine for cleaning and getting ready for the next booking – so I know for sure how long it takes me to get ready…

It’s different in every place you work, like for example I am gonna have to time how long it takes to get from completely panda eyed with skank hair, dirty bed, dirty spa, dirty loungeroom, used all my dildoes and they need a wash and the bins are full, to beautiful just stepped out of the salon fresh hair and makeup, and sparkly clean apartment with all the toys back in their box and the bins are emptied.

This new place is huge. The bedroom is upstairs, the shower is a double header, there’s a big corner spa, the laundry is down stairs, so that will be a factor in cleaning times, having to run up and down the stairs, and there is a leather couch in front of the MASSIVE plasma downstairs, so an extra shagging station that might get used if people wanna watch my new porn hehe – I went and bought some last week, figured the plasma was going to waste otherwise

There is discrete visitor parking, hidden from the street, none of the neighbors can see in, all of the windows that would have been an issue for privacy have clouded glass, there is a walled courtyard for sneaky winter tanning if the sun comes out.. It’s perfect.

BTW, I know I have lots of regular clients already I meant more regular regular’s lol.You know, same bat time, same bat channel type regulars. At the moment it is hard because I have to move all the time. I never know where I am going to be next week, so it makes it hard to make those types of appointments.

This could be changing…. This place in Charlestown is fabulous. The only downside is the excess of single beds throughout. I have no idea why there are so many of them, including 2 in the main bedroom, but I figured if I get bored one day I can do a marathon shag throughout the house, trying to use every flat surface on the way.

I know Bob the Builder is happy with this situation, Charlestown works well for him, but I was wondring how it works for other newcastle punters. If its an all round thumbs up for Charles town, I’ve already made enquiries, and I can lease this place by the month.

Monkey boy, I want to set up a poll, but I tried that before and it disappeared into cyberspace…. lil help?

The other thing that is changing is Wifey is fixing up my books for me. She is a woman of many talents, unlike my previous support staff, she actually knows how to do book keeping for business. I have tried, Lord knows I’ve tried, to keep proper records, but to be honest I leapt into owning my own business with not a lot of forethought and absolutely no skills in business or business admin.

Wifey has volunteered to piece together the overdue BAS statements, and all the other “too hard basket” stuff I havn’t dealt with so I can do things like get business loans. Generally I pay for everything with a wad of cash as opposed to a loan, but lately everyone wants a slice of it, so I havn’t had a lot of wads to throw around. In fact, I havn’t seen anything that counts as a wad since umm umm I don’t know when.

If anyone wants to give me a small and zippy car I would say yes lol. I am totally over my current car, if I had an alternative I would set fire to that thing and happily watch it burn. It keeps trying to frigging kill me. I hates it.

Also, after its recent bingles, it isn’t pretty any more and I feel embarrassed driving it. Such a contrast to when I first bought it and it was all shiny and smelling of that dash polish stuff. Amorall or whatever it is called. I remember trying to catch glimpses of me driving my car in shop windows lol. Ahh vanity. Not any more. I’ve been wearing big hats and big sunnies trying to hide my face while driving for the last couple of weeks lol. The car is such an obvious shitheap now

Oh, Gen – “titteh” is a phonetic spelling of “titty” when said in the same accent as Cartman from Southpark. I made it up lol. I often make up words

Anyway peoples, its that time of day. I’m off to shave my minge. Have a lovely day

PS – Hannah and Ambrosia, you both have competition. I had one of those concussion inducing orgasms yesterday with a  client… Went all retarded and fell off the bed. That hasn’t happened except in threesomes before Luckily I missed the bedside table this time, I fell off the bottom end of the bed instead of the side of it for a change

WTF is with this?

How many mornings in a row is that? Fuck you bodyclock, you are fired!! Tomorrow I am setting the alarm for sure (she says for the umpteenth time…she’ll forget you know).

I need my predawn quiet before the rest of you lot get out of bed and start with the noise pollution. not fair.

*small stompy wobbly being thrown right now*

Grump bitch whine grumble. Garr also.  And now I just have time to pick out something hot to wear before I jump on top of all the unanswered emails from the weekend.

If I hurry that is.

Lani xx

PS. Due to the parking situation I traded the apartment with the crappy garage that wrecked my car for one in Charlestown.

There was no where for you guys to park over there anyway, and it was a bit too open and friendly looking… I thought neighbors might be an issue, half the properties there would have the owners living in them, it wasn’t a proper serviced apartment block but rather a mix of owners, tenants and serviced apartments being leased to strangers… Anyway, so I am in Charlestown for the week, hope that isn’t an issue.

Eurgh. So I slept in by accident and couldn’t do a proper blog this morning, got booted out of my nice apartment (ok really my week was up and they’d already booked it with someone else so I couldn’t extend, but I ‘d  been planning too so it gave me the irrat’s), got shifted into this village type thing that had little narrow lanes as the entry, and scraped the paint off of the side of my car trying to do a 90 degree turn into the garage.

FUCK. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckitty fuck.

As you can imagine, this did not fill me with joy. I hate tight turns and narrow parks anyway, cos I am a girl. A proper girl that can’t cope with super tricky squeezy spaces in a big ass sedan, especially when there is an inconvenient tree preventing me from reversing far enough to turn properly into the space.

Sorry for letting down the sisterhood but most girls havn’t got great spacial awareness, and I fess up to not liking carparks with cement pillars in between the spaces, or trying to squish into a space that only leaves half a foot either side of the car when parking on the street. I prefer a lil room to move.

If I’d had room to move today I might still have an attractive car. Ish. It’s copped a beating lately. But I didn’t, so I don’t

So I had a lil narny next to my car, tweeted my petulance to the world, and decided to stomp off home. You’d think that’s enough for the day yeah? A nice cuppa tea and a hug from Wifey and a good lie down, no more to tell? Pfft. Your forgetting I’m the universes favourite sitcom. No such luck.

It’s me, so I get to crash the freaking car again. That’s right, you heard me. The brakes went weird as I was pulling into the driveway at home and it sort of felt like the wheels went wobbly (I checked, I have no flats) so maybe the brakes locked or the tires skidded out on the mud? Who knows, but I hit the house. I broke the house a lil bit and the car a lil bit but neither was majorly damaged, it’s pretty much all superficial. I wasn’t hurt, just scared.

I went and had a big cry after that. It freaked me out. My cat sleeps in that driveway all the time. She could have been cat pancake.

Aaaand then I remembered I was supposed to have an appointment. I rang and it was all good, I hadn’t missed it. I met my new psychologist for the first time this afternoon. I took a taxi both ways cos I don’t trust that stupid car anymore.

I have a lady doctor.. she seems nice, very calm… like uber calm. She is obviously a lil bit alternative – she was wearing a very comfy looking ensemble that was saying “om” You know, scarf, and the same sort of traditional pyjamas Indian mums wear.

She spent about an hour listening to me and said next time she is going to teach me some energy cleansing techniques. I don’t know what that means but I guess I’m gonna find out. I’m open to learning new things – I’ve always liked yoga and tai chi – what she was talking about sounded a little bit tai chi-esque.

At this point I’m ready to try anything. Energy cleansing sounds better than my next move, which was gonna be stick my head in a bucket, bang with wooden spoon, repeat.

Speaking of wooden spoons, I have to go stir dinner. Wifey is making is a big fattening stew… well, she claims she is but she is also going for a bike ride and making me stir it while she is gone. If it burns it will be all my fault, if it is delicious she will take all the credit. *grumbles about wives*

Anyway, either way I’m in trouble if she reads this I’d rather be in trouble with unburnt stew if it’s all the same, so I gotta go stir

Lani xx