Archive for July, 2010

So umm I went and visited a mutual friend last night with Violet… And it turns out that I may have accidentally dragged MM81 in to show her off after we polished off all that wine that time….Apparently I was hilarious, in the kind of way that you can only be when there is zero chance of you remembering the incident. Ooops.

Firstly, we need to name my friends so we don’t get them confused. We have one who is slightly fuzzy and aloof, and the other who has the old number 2 happening, and is loud and funny. We shall name the aloof one Bill, and the other one Ben, and then they can be like the flowerpot men, hahaha. Not my best effort I know, but gimme a break, its really early in the morning hey.

First off Bill told me off for not mentioning that MM81 is a full lesbian. He feels very ripped off – I did tell him I was bringing over a really hot brunette…. I think he was peeved that she wasn’t for him lolz. And here’s the part that has me wishing the floor had opened up and swallowed me… Poor Ben had just broken up with his gf – huge loss, she was an awesome chick. So umm I apparently put his hand on my boob and insisted he give it a squeeze as a consolation prize….. *facepalm* and as a result he tried very hard last night to charm me off my feet and ask me on a date…. I had to keep saying sorry and telling him I wasn’t gf material, that he could do better…. Goddamn that floor for not opening up on cue, that was one of the most awkward half hours I’ve had recently.

To make it worse, if I wasn’t Luscious Lani, SuperWhore, I might have said yes. Ben is an awesome guy. Unfortunately he doesn’t know anything about Luscious Lani, SuperWhore, and he’d be a bit shocked if he found out, especially if I’d said yes in the meantime….He only knows me as Violets kinda quirky little friend.

Oh, and that old friend who pashed me when I asleep that time was there as well, and I apparently told everyone how grossed out I’d been by that incident right in front of him, in such detail that he went very quiet and left. Oooops.Oh well. He’s heard it from the horses mouth now, I don’t think he’ll be in any doubt as to why I don’t wanna be friends with him anymore.

God I hate it when I wake up thinking I’ve made it through the night without making a spectacle of myself, and all the people who were slightly more sober remember things a bit differently.

Stupid floors that don’t open up when you want them to, I don’t know.

So yeah, my face was red. Poor Ben. I hate it when nice boys I know from real life get crushes on me. I can’t tell him about my work – Violet would be horrified if I did, they are her friends more than mine, and she certainly doesn’t want to be associated with the sex industry, she’s all respectable like.

She only found out because I am an uber crappy liar and she busted me buying $1800 worth of underwear one time…. I couldn’t think of any reason a person not in the sex industry would have the need to buy that much frilly gear for their nethers, so I fessed up on our way to the car. I wasn’t expecting her to find me so quickly lolz.

We’d been friends for over a year at that stage, and I’d told her what I tell everyone else, which is a kinda generic and untraceable “my job is boring but basically its this”. She’d bought it, and until I was busted with 3 huge bags of assorted tissue paper wrapped knickers, I was doing OK with that story lolz. I flirted with the idea of confessing a shopping addiction or similar, and thought, no, she’s smart, respect the intelligence and swallow the pride…. So now she is one of my few real life friends who know about what I really do for a living.

Actually, I think that was the last time I went and bought La Senza completely out of new stock – the thrill of the purchase kinda paled after that…. I should go thank Violet, she’s probably saved me oodles of money by doing that.

Speaking of money, I’ve decided to stop whinging and railing against the status quo with the whole “you never book me outside of happy hour” thing. I’m gonna get all proactive, so consider yourselves warned. I’ve gotten my head around the fact that people are a lot happier paying happy hour rates.

What I was having difficulty with was the standard of service I provide is worth a lot more than that, for a few reasons. Top of the line products for a start, extensive service for a seconder, toybox with no joke a few thousand bucks worth of things that go buzz… All of that for what is basically parlour rates.In fact there are parlours in Newcastle with higher hourly rates.

To put it more simply, my urge to be fancy and top notch is going to put me out of business at these rates. So I’ve decided I need to curb that urge, and provide the kind of products I can afford to provide at those rates, which is the basics. Regular condoms instead of ultra thins, water based lube and sorbelene instead of silicone gel, you get what I already have on in terms of outfits, so on and so forth.

I will of course be saving all the good stuff for those who are happy to pay me full rates, and also for those who book me for 3 or more hours, even during happy hour. I can afford to provide them at those rates, it’s why I set them as such. So the plan is now to redesign my rates page to reflect the beer budget menu, and what you get for that, and the champagne budget menu, and what the differences are.

I want to make something really clear – I don’t want to punish people on low budgets with a shitty service – that isn’t my intention at all. I just want to reduce my outlay so that I have some chance of making a profit, without raising prices beyond what people can afford, and I want there to be a selling point for the full rate bookings, so that I might get a few occasionally lolz. Does that make sense?

The standard of service won’t change, I’ll still be shagging like a champion at either price point lolz. The major differences will be:

• the quality of the products used – Beer Budget will get regular thickness condoms, sorbelene for massages or bodyslides, and Wetstuff for lube, Champagne Services will get Ultrathin condoms and  Pjur Bodyglide silicone gel
• preparation time – I won’t be doing a full face of makeup for happy hour bookings in future – Mascara running in the shower can really stuff me around in regards to time it takes to get ready between bookings, so eye makeup will be light, possibly non existent
• I won’t be offering fantasy costumes or a choice of outfits to happy hour clients, again because of prep time involved
• I will have a basic kit of condoms in large, regular and small condoms with Wetstuff Lube, one basic vibrator and one basic cockring and a small buttplug for Beer Budget Bookings
• For Champagne Service I will have a large variety of condoms including flavoured, coloured,  ribbed, studded, shiver (menthol) and anything else I find interesting, Pjur Bodyglide silicone gel, 2 large hobby boxes full of all the sex toys that have caught my attention in the last couple of years, a huge variety of costumes and lingerie to choose from, exemplary presentation of myself – no time spared for preparation, I will look my absolute best…. and whatever little extras I feel like throwing in on the day Gourmet picnics for example for the all day bookings

For the record, I’m looking for feedback here. What do you guys think? What are the major objections likely to be? I’m trying to figure out a way to pay all these greedy people who want my hard earned cash, and still keep a little for myself, I’m not trying to piss off my regs or rip people off.

For the record, I can get regular thickness condoms and wetstuff lube for ridiculously cheap prices, the stuff I usually use is top of the line expensive stuff, it’s eating into the budget a little too much, hence the proposed changes.

If the consensus is go for it, I’ll start redoing the page today, and give everyone 2 weeks notice before I implement the changes

The other thing I thought would be fun to do is create some sexy little packages – I’m stealing idea’s from a couple of people here – Cristal Hot-Babe with her Friday Food Fuckfest (She’s in Melbourne at the Grosvenor if anyone fancies a shag involving banana’s with a cute Heather Graham lookalike) and Leah Erotic in Canberra with her sensual massage packages… Great idea’s, Ladies Yoink!!! hehehe.

This is where I totally need to post a sexy photo of a very delicious Miss Lemeiux… Here’s a link to it anyway

http://yfrog.com/9fx0bj

Enjoy – I certainly did

So anyway one would be a sexy food package, as modeled here by the delectable Hannah, like an add on that I could bring with me if it was preordered I’m happy to include packages like some sexy fruit, yoghurt or whipped cream, and perhaps some freshly roasted coffee and some nommy raisin toast as a special breakfast for Champagne Services, for Beer Budgets it would have to be an add on I think

OK, at this point I’m just rambling and throwing ideas around…. I’d love to know what everyone thinks about this I better go take the poor dogs for a run… I think it’s stopped raining now

Lani xx

PS – for those who want more nudity in this blog, I need advice. Apparently my ramblings have eaten up all my bandwidth and I need to upgrade my hosting thingywhatsit. Lil help? How does one do this, and what is a good hosting company you’d recommend? I need to be based in California, I know that much lolz.

Good morning you lot

I’m still yawning here, so I have no idea what today’s blog is going to be about I tell you what, it’s fairly easy to blog when you are pissed off at someone, or if you have a point to prove, but blogging on the offchance you’ll think of something to type is pretty difficult to do every day.

That’s an issue for me today – I’m not pissed off with anyone. I’m feeling all lovey dovey for a change I loves my Wifey, I loves my fat fluffy cat for waking me up with a cold nose to the face at just the right time today, I loves my big smelly woofers who talk to me while I am on the toilet first thing in the morning, I’m just a loving kinda gal this morning

Oh, you know what else I love? Presents!! This week the gorgeous and thoughtful Eccafrog outdid himself, with a double whammy gift – fancypants Australian made coffee from Queensland with a plunger, and a 2006 edition book from the delectable Dita Von Teese on burlesque and fetish With LOTSA pictures Alias, you will cream yourself three times over when I show you this book  – its YUMMY I’m hoping we can recreate a few of the pics ourselves

Dita makes me aware of the fact that I am not any fashion giants darling. This sux. If any up and coming designers require a muse with little or no inhibitions, please call me. I’m available to be adored, decorated, fawned upon, dressed to the nines, and made into your living fantasy doll, and then we take pictures Thank you.

She has also made me aware of the fact that I need more stockings. I’ve been neglecting my hosiery. Seamed stockings with Cuban heels to be precise. I didn’t know they were called Cuban heels before this, but now that I know what they are called, I’m going to have to get me some. Does anyone know where to find these in Sydney or Melbourne? Maybe even in Newcastle? Please help, I need them to be more girlylicious please

I’m also thinking more about tightlacing myself to see how little I can get my waist to go… It’s a bit more bondage as fashion than I would usually do, like for example I gave away one of the most gorgeous pairs of stiletto heels I have ever owned because it felt like I was wearing Satan, the Shoe, because as hot as they were, it wasn’t worth the extreme pain I was in.

I’m thinking about the vixen, mm81… she’ll be off her tree right about now, she’s going in for surgery early this morning. Which sux cos I won’t get to see her for a while, but at least when I do she’ll be in better working order than she was when she left lolz. She’s nice, I like her a lot I can’t wait for her to be better again… hehehe…. revenge time when she is

Ooh, that’s the other thing – one of my boy’s has qualified for a rodeo somewhere for the first time in a while, and guess who got invited to go to the Cowboy Ball as his date? Woot Woot!! I have to wear a ballgown and everything…. I know where I can get a gorgeous red slinky number with a very low back….. mmmm. I might wear that, otherwise I’m tempted to get a proper hooped dress and be Scarlett O’Hara, Belle of the Ball, for the evening That would be awesome fun, but I have a feeling my cowboy would prefer the red and slinky versus the hoops and ruffled pantaloons I’d need to be Scarlett

Hmmm. If I leave soon I have time to take the boys for a beach run before work…. I’m going to have to I think, it’s not raining for a change, and M really needs to get out – he’s been tied to the back porch for 3 days because I can’t see a way to fix the problem with him digging holes under the fence. The uni students next door took away the bricks that were supporting their side of the fence to build a bloody kumbaya style singalong fire, so M can dig straight through the soft dirt that is all that is left behind. Goddamn hippies wrecking the fence and endangering my dog, mutter mutter grouch.

And they are proper hippies too – one of them looks like an adorable Winona Ryder type doll, until you see the furry legs under her flowing skirts. She has full bush under the arms as well…. I can’t help but feel horrified when I see it…. It’s kinda confronting, seeing a big wild proud black spiky bush under such an ethereal looking woman’s arm. I don’t know why, maybe because when you see full bush it is generally on an older woman, or on documentaries or something. It’s definitely not common on the young hotties.

Anyway, enough about hairy armpits, I have to take the dogs out before it gets much later or I’ll be running late all day again.

Lani xx

I thought I’d get in with another quick blog after the last few days fairly poor efforts, before my nana urges kick in for the night.

Today was pretty good actually, despite a few hiccups with the accommodation people. I had to shift from Hamilton to Honeysuckle today, and while things didn’t exactly progress smoothly, I stayed in a pretty cruisy mood and dealt with everything with a smile.That’s pretty unusual these day’s, so I’m pretty happy with myself for that

It helped immensely that the cleaner at the Honeysuckle place was there, and he is awesome, I really like him. He snuck me into my room after it became known that the office hadn’t faxed my key release form through, and then he fixed the broken washing machine, gave me a wink and said if I needed extra towels or linen to give him a ring, told me I was a naughty little rat, and that he knew I didn’t use the apartment at night, had a chuckle when I said that at least I was a tidy little rat who left the place clean and that he had to love me for that, and then he told me off for using all the other apartments all over the place, and told me I had to stay at Honeysuckle or he’d be offended hehe… he’s funny – he was obviously just having a laugh, not being serious

mmmmm nom nom nom… Wifey just brought me my dinner It’s some kinda cheesy tomatoey pasta bake…. sorry, my attention has wavered….. gotta go

Lani xx

Because I slept in again dammit. No time for blogging much today, unless nobody loves me and I don’t get bookings and I give myself a day off. Hang on, let me check something…. Nope. Still pretty. I think I’ll be ok for bookings

The apartment is not quite as bad as I first thought…… I guess you really don’t notice a lack of art when you’re shagging….

Anyhoo, I’ll give you a snippet of yesterday. I had to refuse service for the first time in a long time…. A guy I nearly didn’t remember from the parlour’s called and didn’t explain accurately what it was he wanted. He drove all the way in from past Boolooroo, which I kinda feel bad about, but again, I have to say he didn’t say what he wanted.

Let me say this just once. I have my own condoms for a reason. I will not use yours if I don’t know you. Especially if they are dodgy sheepskin condoms that don’t prevent anything but conception. Ewwwwwww. This guy has been around for years, he knows that his condoms are a joke, and he claims that he is allergic to latex. He will flat out refuse to use latex condoms or the non latex ones you get from the chemist, or take another service in exchange for full sex, and gets upset at the point you point out that his condoms don’t prevent any disease at all, they just prevent pregnancy.

I won’t see him because he wants basically unsafe sex. I don’t provide bareback sex, and I don’t provide sex with dodgy sheepskin condoms, so I handed his money back after he told me what was in his special bag and told him I now remembered him, and I wouldn’t be seeing him. I told him everything I could about why I prefer him to tell me before the booking that he’s allergic to latex, and that there are better options than sheepskin available. Then he got a bit stroppy and left. I didn’t mind… I really don’t like him (I’ve seen him before – I’ve been polite but distant…. he falls into the really dirty old man category, and I’ve just never clicked with him) and he’s never picked up on it…. all the sensitivity of your average mollusc imo.

Plus, ewwww. Sheepskin? Why don’t you just chuck an uggboot on the end of it? That’ll do the same sort of job, yeah? Bleurgh.

Anyway, I’m running late now. Better hurry up

Lani xx

Which  is good, cos I have a LOT to get through today.Lots of laundry, lots of little chores, and hopefully a few bookings as well.

Excuse me, I thought I was awake but apparently I was pretending…. I keep getting the yawny stares happening. Ooops, it happened again. I blame the heat of my coffee – I microwaved the milk, so it would stay warm, and now I can’t drink it fast enough to keep myself awake.

So, yesterday was a mission. These apartment people, I don’t know. They’ve given me a shoebox that smells funny this time. I had to deal with it myself because Wifey was at the dentist and couldn’t mediate for me, and when I called up the owner had absolutely no idea what I was complaining about when I mentioned dryer not working, heater not working, tv not working and garage door not working in last weeks apartment, and this is what you give me to make up for it?

He went off his head and ended up yelling at me for 20 minutes and threatening to blacklist me. He said he had not heard anything was wrong with last weeks apartment, I was not given a discount or anything on this weeks apartment, and he claims not to know about it even though I had Wifey ringing up from the first day I checked in last week…… or at least she says she was. She said after I confronted her about it when I got home that she only speaks to the receptionist, and she blamed the receptionist for not passing the message along to the boss and for lying about giving us a special rate for this week to make up for it.

This is bullshit – these apartments are not fucking cheap. This weeks apartment is so small you can walk to the back corner from the front door in 8 steps – 2 of the steps need to be on the bed though. Its also someones granny flat, and there are people in the front house, who can see everyone coming and going. It is FAR from ideal. I don’t want to pay $600 a week for a shoebox with no privacy, no washer or dryer, and a wee bit of stale fridge smell. The only art on the walls is a plastered over hole that looks like it was created by a cranky person. Even last weeks apartment was much better than this, and it was freezy cold with no porn.

I ended up getting the boss to calm down by resorting to tears (look, I know its lame but it works, ok? and I was getting really upset with him screaming down the phone at me and threatening to kick me out and blacklist me – he really doesn’t deal well with criticism from what I can see) and telling him Wifey is fired and I will deal with him personally from now on to avoid chinese whispers and other confusions. He is as blunt as a not very sharp shovel, and I am also quite direct, so I think it will work better this way.

He then said I could move back to Honeysuckle on Thursday, back to the apartment I really like, and he also said that I get first dibs on Charlestown when it is available again. So it worked out ok, but until Thursday we will all have to play at being secret agent super spies, and be extra discreet in our shenanigans.That means you, Eccafrog No booty grabbing till we get inside… tell the man in your trousers to behave Just kidding, I know you’ll behave yourself

Also, there is a tiny flight of stairs, and when I say tiny I don’t mean short, but narrow. So no disabled access until Thursday, very sadly. Sorry about that, most of the places I book are very disabled friendly, but this one is the devil.With horns.

Umm what else… Oh yeah. Be warned. I saw the psychiatrist yesterday who put me on the car smashing pills, and she has halved the dose, with the goal of eventually weaning me off them (she wanted to take me off straight away, but I begged her not to – I like having friends who aren’t thinking I am nutso lolz) and she has told me that whats wrong with me, pills won’t fix, in her opinion. Wifey has asked me to get a second opinion, for the record…. Thanks Wifey

She wants me to intensify my therapy, and try to fix me that way. I dunno. I like having pills that switch off angry Lani, and leave a slightly dazed and confused Lani wondering what she was just shouting about. It’s comforting to know that actual chill pills do exist. Unfortunately the psychiatrist reckons that pills will not teach me to be a better person, they will actually reduce my ability to deal with difficult situations without them. Like, I’ll be fine if I have my pills on me, but if I find myself stressing when I have no access to them, look out!

So anyway, for the time being, I may be slightly hyperactive…. Until I get used to this dose anyway. My apologies in advance if I get overenthusiastic at you.

MM81 – you are in trouble young lady. My asscheeks are still sore from the other night, and I just figured out it was from you pinning me down with my legs up – I feel some revenge is necessary. Doing anything tonight?? hehehe.Also, thanks again for the coffee. I have worked out the master plan behind the coffee, just so you know. You just wanna be the first person I think about when I wake up in the morning Tis cute

Hmm what else. I STILL HAVE NO WORKING DRYER. THE DRYER GODS HATE ME!!!!!! Which is exceedingly inconvenient. I have to do a laundromat run sometime before my first appointment this morning, because I am completely out of linen and towels. I had been told that the apartment people knew it was really important to me to have the ability to get the laundry done, and that they would guarantee it for this week. BOM BOM BOM. No such luck. Not even a washer and a clothesline – nothing.

OK , the sun is up now, I have to get a wriggle on. Before I duck off to the shower, I wanna say a big thanks to my new friend R and my old friend Bob for helping me realise the venue doesn’t really matter.

I was fuming about the crapbox apartment until R reminded me through demonstration that all you need is a big comfy bed And then Bob came over and proved his point I left that shoebox with a grin on my face that I am pretty sure was still there when I woke up this morning

Oh, that reminds me – DON’T make me squirt on the bed til Thursday please… I only have one bed at the moment lol. Normally I have 2 or 3 I can switch between. There’s a nice big leather couch as well, if we wanna get messy

OK, really got to get a wriggle on now

Lani xx

AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH

NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, that’s what I say anyway. No slowly easing into the day as the sun comes up, nope, just slammed into noisy consciousness with limited time to get myself ready.

There’s no milk for coffee, I’ve had to do a macca’s run or be faced with a choice of black coffee or no coffee.

We are not off to a good start today.

Why didn’t Wifey wake me up, I hear you say? Weeelllll that’s another story, one that relates closely to yesterdays non blog.. just follow that link again if you want another clue…. I may have been getting my sexy on last night hehehee. I got home very late for me, and then I went and passed out due to extremely shaky legs

When I woke up the sun was already shining, which sux for me because I was supposed to be finished my blog for the day when that happened. Hence this kinda half assed rushed one, sorry about that.

On the upside I managed to get the apartment all packed up last night, instead of leaving it til the the last minute like I usually do, and I’m shifting again today to a studio apartment in Hamilton. I don’t know if I like the sound of “studio apartment” – I’m hearing “you’ve only got one bed sweetheart, so bring a hairdryer to dry the mattress, or keep your sexy locked deep down inside, cos you can’t switch beds if you happen to soak this one” lolz. My vote is bring the hairdryer, and or use the couch hehehee.

I just hope the heater works in this one, last week was a very cold week with no porn for me – that apartment was crappy. Nothing worked in it – not the heater, not the tv, not the dryer, nothing. Crappo-rama.

Anyway, I need to go shower… Sorry it’s a short blog again…

Lani xx

PS don’t forget, Lani doesn’t like to be the runner up – get voting please http://www.adultawards.com.au/shownominee.pl?nominee_id=2836&year=2010

Again.

And realised I havn’t cleaned the apartment yet from Friday afternoons shenanigans, which I just found a review of here -

http://www.sensualdownunder.com/forum/showthread.php?t=15429

So today’s blog is really a cop out where I provide you with a link to hot lesbian shenanigans

Sorry about that

I’ve got to get off my lazy butt and go de-squirt an apartment Mop, please

Lani xx

P.S. The link to vote for me in this years AAIA is on my homepage L xx

**Removed for the purpose of revision**

Here I sit, drinking freshly ground coffee my new sugar momma gave me, thinking life is sweet

So, whats the news today, what can I tell you? M is tied to the back porch still, after escaping again yesterday for the entire day and scaring me silly.He was taken to the vets by a “kind samaritan” who I suspect is the same kind samaritan who tried to pinch him last year when he was just a puppy. She called the vets every half hour or so asking if she could keep him….. Some people are fucked, imo. Get your own puppy, woman. Stop trying to steal mine.

K got out a little while ago and tipped over the wizbin looking for nom noms. Doggies are a pain in the rear. I know why they are doing it though, they are just bored. I’m going to take them to the beach as soon as I get off my lazy ass and start my day properly.

Before that though, I wanted to ask some advice from all you wise and noble souls out there who actually completed your Uni degrees. What do I need to learn, in your opinion?

Wifey has committed to doing Uni by correspondence next year, and I don’t want to be outdone by my smarty pants wife, just because she has a huge head full of brains. She’ll be doing some variety of law, I don’t know if she has decided exactly what course to do yet. I’m uber proud, she was always meant to have a string of letters after her name, you know. Way too clever not to.

I’ve thought about it, and come to the conclusion that I just don’t know enough to make a decision yet. I know what interests me, and what I think would further my career, but I’m just not 100% sure I have my facts straight on this. So, what I am thinking is human sexuality/gender studies/psychology/ philosophy/ business/information technology.

How the fuck am I supposed to combine all those things though? Can you mix business or information technology with any of the other stuff? Those are two areas that I really need to work on – I don’t know nearly enough about how business’s are supposed to work, and I would love to be more clever on the computer. Would I have to do two degrees? one for the business and info tech and the other for all the other stuff? I’m cool with doing it that way, but it would have to be part time, so it would take a while to work my way through it all.

If I had to do it that way I’d do the business and info tech first. The rest is stuff that will be interesting to me until I keel over one day, but the business and info technology is only relevant while Luscious Lani is still slutting it up around the countryside… Oh, not true, really, I’ll need to know it to set up Lani Parties and my other follow-on ideas for when my tits hit the ground and no one wants to play with them anymore.

Oh, for the record, correspondence wouldn’t work for me. I’m way too good at being lazy. My tourism diploma was half by correspondence, and it was way too easy to log into a group chat and then type BRB and not go back…. oops. Or to switch the computer off and say IE crashed, nothing I could do about it, sorry. There was always someone who had printed out the session, and who’d let you borrow their copy so you could catch up in class lolz. I still got the diploma, but if it had been fully by correspondence I would never have done all the work.

So, good thing there’s a uni just up the road. I’ll actually have to go to class if I want to learn. At least this time round I’ll be prepared for the tedium that is a 3 hour lecture in monotones. And hopefully I will have the self control not to sneak off home in my breaks. And my iphone records voice, so I can tape it all anyway… that should help a bit

Oh crap, I just realised that I will now have to pay for all the massively overdue books that I borrowed last time I was a student, a while ago now. As in a few years ago… oops. They are just over there, on that shelf. One of them is a very old copy of the Iliad, which I never managed to get through. Wuthering heights is there too – I might read that again before I take it back.

Bleurgh. Needa wee and feeling unmotivated… I’m gonna go take the boys for a beach run and see if that clears the cobwebs

Lani xx

So, was having a chat with Wifey about Suspicious Suzie, and why I think everything went pear shaped there.

My theory is that I operate from the position of knowing that I am merely human, and therefore a cockhead much of the time. I have only met one human in my life who I have not witnessed indulging in pure cock headedness, and that is Hannah, and she is a fucking saint, and not altogether human, but maybe part angel. I have already told her I want to be like her if I ever grow up

So anyway, apart from Hannah, all humans are cockheads to varying degrees. The difference between people who are slight cockheads, and people who are major cockheads, is that the slight cockheads know that they are flawed and human, and allow for the possibility that they may be wrong, and they take appropriate action, eg apologising if necessary,  if their inner cockhead gets them into strife.

Major cockheads, on the other hand, think they are not cockheads at all. This means that there is no cockhead minimisation taking place. They fail to self analyse situations with an open mind as to whether their choice of behaviour or words might have been the issue. They can’t possibly be wrong, so it doesn’t enter their mind as an option. This, in turn, can cause people to act like utter cunts.

Once you start acting like an utter cunt, you are in trouble. People will be completely disagreeing with your self assessment, because it will be wrong. You’ll start losing friends and stop being invited to family functions. People will fail to return your calls. You might even lose your job over it, unless you happen to be a lawyer or insurance assessment expert. This will be because you really are acting like a horrible person, and nobody likes you anymore.

However, it doesn’t have to be like this. If you’ve turned into an utter cunt, there are ways back to mere cockheadedness.

You can start with realising what an asshole you’ve been, and take steps to apologise to those who were affected. It’s probably the best place to start. You can, and should, be more self aware, and take responsibility for the role you play in your own life. Stop squirming away from the truth – you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge, as Dr. Phil is always saying, and Oprah is always talking about lightbulb moments, where you suddenly see what has been in front of your face the entire time. They can’t both be wrong….

So back to Suspicious Suzie, in my opinion he has gone from acting like an utter cunt back to the realms of mere cock headedness, after sending the apology. Cockhead behaviour is fine in my book, it proves you’re real flesh and blood. I’m certainly not going to hold it against you, not when I am so guilty of it myself. He has admitted wrongdoing, he has seen his behaviour from my point of view and knows it to be deplorable, and he has apologised thoroughly, taking the piss out of himself in the process.

Yay. That is all I wanted – we can go back to ripping the crap out of each other. He has made it possible, by his admitting to being a bit of a cunt, for me to regain a bit of respect for him (losing face never feels good, and I can respect the effort he put into his apology)  and for us to start building maybe not the same relationship, but one based on mutual respect, hopefully a better one.

I can’t be friends with a cunt, but I’ve already told you, all my friends are cockheads I say that in the best possible way

Anyhoo, Hope you like my theories, Wifey nearly wet herself so I thought maybe you guys would get a giggle out of it too.

Lani xx