Archive for July, 2010

This morning I woke up feeling restricted. I couldn’t figure it out. Then I realised I was still wearing like work wear – office gear. In fact I still had yesterdays entire outfit on, and also I was dizzy.

Hmmm. Dizzy, dressed…. How did I get here? I don’t remember… I wandered into the loungeroom to disturb a hibernating Wifey by accident… she asked if I was ok and said I was pretttttttty drunk when I got home last night.

Yay for lesbionic flashbacks is all I can say!!!!

I had the most gorgeous girl come over and she gave me coffee, and was so so cute I felt bad about taking her money. And then we made big squirty messes all over the apartment.Which I have to go and clean up when I figure out the scope of this possible hangover…. it’s menacing me from afar at the moment, I am prehangover, which I’m picturing as like an overcast day. If it starts storming inside my head I am going back to bed and cleaning tomorrow maybe.

The guy in the cherry picker was gone by the time she arrived Just in case anyone was wondering.

For anyone wondering how I ended up in my bed at home fully dressed, well…. I made a new friend. We shared some wine, and then we shared some loving, and then Lani was drunk and had to go home and pass out. I am pretty sure (hoping it isn’t wishful thinking) that we are going to do it again one day  – WOOT WOOT!!!

So I turn on the computer and the kettle this morning, read through & published the comments on my blog, and we have another reason to smile – an unreserved apology with several completely awesome phrases in it from the person I have been calling Suspicious Suzie. His light bulb came on and he can see he has been a slight douche now…. Yay for enlightenment, I say.

The phases I particularly like included:

Dear Lani.

I would like to unreservedly apologize for being a absolute ass-hat for the past 8 months, and in particular for the past 4 or 5 weeks.

Now that is how you apologize – from the start, and with style. I really like the use of “ass-hat”.

This line is also quite brilliant in it’s level of self depreciation -

It also showed how much of a festering sausage-cock I was.

And this is where all my negative feelings were erased -

I realise the absolute truth of the situation and I genuinely want to be a good person in general. I want to undo the wrongs I have done and I want to make peace with myself, and you.

So please accept my unreserved apology for my actions and I can only humbly ask for your forgiveness. I want to be your friend again and I want to see you again. You are welcome in my life and I trust you implicitly.

It is a first small step to a redemption I probably don’t deserve, but I will do so regardless.

That, peoples, is how you apologise. I am severely impressed with the apology, which is why I am sharing it.

I’m accepting it, in case that wasn’t obvious. As far as I am concerned, that was all I needed to hear. You have been a dick, you accept this, you feel bad about it, you want to make up for it, and go back to how things were before this happened. Done.

For the record, I did fiddle with the quotes a bit – there was some stuff in there that was need to know, and you guys didn’t need to know. Sorry. If it isn’t really my business, I tend not to share stuff that isn’t mine to share.

Omg… my hot girly date bought me coffee and a plunger and I didn’t bring it home with me That sux. I’ll have to go for a drive and get it. I’m just doing some maths to figure out how drunk I got. Bottle of reisling was maybe  3 glasses each, and we did open the other wine but I think I was more interested in other stuff by that point. So maybe one glass of that… plus I was home earlyish so I’ve had a good sleep…. possibly four glasses of wine to maybe 10 or 11 hours of sleep? I’ll be fine I think.

Yep, today is good. I had an awesome time last night, I woke up to find that all is right with the world, people can realise they have been ass hats and apologise… and a cute girl gave me real coffee to have at home. Yay.

Must go fetch coffee before the headache that is crouching over my cerebral cortex dives on in.

Lani xx

So, now we both know. My inbox is a big jungle full of unexplored territory, and some of the emails are months old, and still unopened.

I feel awful about this

My suckiness knows no bounds.

But it is ok – I know it isn’t cool so I am doing something about it. I’ve had to accept that you guys hate it when I pay randoms to do my homework for me  – It has never worked, people won’t commit to a booking unless they are pretty sure they are dealing with the real, one and only Lani.

That’s a problem for me though. There is only one Lani, and she has a pretty short attention span… Hence the jungly inbox. If I was a good girl and did all my homework, it wouldn’t be an issue, but I’m naughty and waste time putting filthy pics of myself on Twitter. Which is why you love me, right?

Anyhoo, Wifey isn’t doing a lot right now, she’s home sick with her tooth thing, so she has volunteered to start at the back end of the inbox and answer all the poor souls that were lost in the pile when it got to epic proportions. I hope this is OK with everyone, she isn’t a random, she isn’t being paid, she is doing it out of a desire to help me and prevent all the daily whinging she hears from me about my crappy inbox.

She is waaaay better at tedious things than me, and answering 100 emails, even if they are 100 witty, funny, sexy emails, can be tedious if you have to do it every day. Emails get stuck in my “meh – later” box way too often for anyone’s good, especially if the inbox is particularly full. I’m hoping that with Wifey’s help I’ll need never lose another potential friend due to my own slack arse-edness… It’s something that happens way more often than I think is acceptable.

Comment me with what you think please – I’m especially interested in hearing from people who don’t comment very often  – I know my friends will be cool with it, I want to hear what “the public” thinks lol.

OOOHHHH… I gotta go shower, I have a date with a hot chick this afternoon

Lani xx

Some  cheeky git nominated me again (*cough*Alias*cough) so I am up for best Hooker in the country for the 2nd year running.

Last year I came second to the indominatable Paris – but who can compete with a girl who has tits bigger than your average bogan’s head, and a very very extensive service?  She was a fuckdoll, not a girl friend experience – different categories in my opinion.

Anyway, Paris is taking a step back in the industry from what I have heard, so maybe its MY TIME TO SHINE, DAMMIT!!!!!

Vote for me, and stroke my ego here.

Thank you very muchly

Lani xx

Someone call United Nations. I’ve uncovered a travesty of International proportions. There is still NO COFFEE in my house. That’s got to break an international covent or two. At the very least it has to be against the law locally. I’ve inhaled my decaf, with no noticeable affect.

How can I blog if there is no coffee? *sobs hysterically* Ok. There is decaf, which is apparently a misnomer, it should be Halfcaf or Lesscaf, there is some caffeine still in it supposedly. I’ll make another one of those. Ok, another 2 of those. Then my head should clear, yes? It’s worth a shot, anyway Back in a sec.

YAAAAAAWWWWWNNNN. Bleary eyes. Stupid neighbors corgi is barking. I hate yappy dogs. Yap yap yap, all day long, every time the wind blows or someone walks past their house, the bloody dog is out the front yapping away.

Speaking of dogs, I’m pissed off with M at the moment. He has a taste for freedom now it seems. He dug out a hole under the fence and made a bolt for freedom yesterday morning. I went out for the loo, he was in the yard. Wifey went out for the loo an hour later, and he wasn’t.

I had to drive all over our suburb, calling his name out the window looking for him… I was getting upset and teary half an hour later so I went back towards home, and there is my stupid mutt, covered in something stinky and standing in the middle of the road half a block from our house. I pulled over and got out of the car, and he saw me coming and bolted towards home – he knew he was being naughty, and didn’t want the fun to be over yet, I think.

I drove the half a block home, got out of the car, and saw him bolting up towards the end of our street, past the house, across a busy main intersection in peak hour traffic…. Scared the crap out of me. I left the car running in the driveway, driver side door wide open, and chased him up the road, across the intersection, up the hill, until he finally figured out I wasn’t going to smack him (dumb mutt has never been smacked in his life, for the record. K has, when he is being a bully, but M is timid, so has never needed it) and came over and then did sulky child all the way home, hanging off his collar instead of walking properly.

He is currently tied up under the back porch. I’ll have to set up a wire run for him – the yard is big enough for him to get decent exersize, but he won’t fetch balls or play tug of war or do normal dog stuff… he just wants to get out and run as fast as he can. If I have him on a run it stops him from getting out but lets him have the length of the yard to play in. Meh. It’s a lot of hard work though. I might have to delegate that one to someone burlier.

Sorry about tiny little blog today – lack of caffeine is not helping, and neither is the time of day, I have to go jump in the shower and stuff I slept in a bit this morning.

Lani xx

Is not a sexual one. Sorry.

Right now I am fantasising about one of those futuristic machines that create food out of the molecules in the air around them. I want one of these things right now because Wifey has been sick with her teeth all week and the kitchen is her domain. I’m barely allowed in there, except to make coffee. Today however, there is NO COFFEE. Bom bom bom. Hence the need for the doover lackey (I’m fairly sure this is the technical term) that creates food out of nothing. I’m sure it would work with coffee as well. Or I could do the shopping, but I have tried that in the past and apparently I always do it wrong Plus this is more fun

I got the idea from some sci fi book from the 60′s I used to read when I was a kid… I forget the title but it was something along the lines of “the boy from the moon”. He was part robot, I recall. They had the beginning idea for credit cards, and I’m pretty sure there were rocket packs too. I liked that book.

I’ve always lurked in the sci fi/ fantasy section of the library. Except when I was like 13 or 14 and I realised there were also books with sex in them. Please give me some credit, I am not talking about my big sisters mills and boon collection, I am talking Virginia Andrews for the main part.

All the Flowers in the Attic series, the Heaven and Dawn chronicles….. they are full of sick tales of mainly incestuous or underage shenanigans, which always have dark consequences that span generations…   One of the consequences was  a kid named Bart who had no nerve endings and couldn’t feel his injuries, so he used to go break his arm to worry his mother. How’s that for dysfunctional? Titillating stuff, and most of it was apparently based on true stories. I’d believe that. A good part of the Heaven series was set in Cletus and Geraldine country

But the sci fi and fantasy stuck around. Some of my faves in the early adolescent section were the Obernewtyn Chronicles, by Isobelle Carmody, and the John Marsden Tomorrow When the War Began books – They just made a movie of that one that I really want to see. I think everyone knows I love Pratchett, but before Pratchett I loved Douglas Adams, and J R Tolkien, and Katherine Kerr. And Niel Gaiman. One of these days I’ll write up my “I’d do YOU for free” list, and Neil Gaiman, along with his kinda lookalike Trent Reznor, will both be near the top for being genius’s. And Richard Branson. He has spunk, and the ability to get me into the mile high club without being cramped in the bathroom. He can be near the top of the list too. Enough about the list. No, sorry, one more. Suki’s brother from True Blood. Phwoar, I believe is how you say it.

Back to books. There was a sci fi book I read that I adored, but I can’t remember the name or author, which makes it kinda hard to go buy a copy. In it, the lead character is a girl who is like 15? who decides to sell her body to someone in the upper parts of their society (as in the whole body, trading it for a cyborg body), and have her mind put into a cyborg sort of thing.

The tricky part is cyborgs are not allowed to stay on Earth, they are considered too dangerous, so she has a choice of staying on Earth in her own body, and having a fairly crappy life all round, or being shipped into space as part of a cyborg colonizing team. I forget if this is the book that had the Pleasure Sector (where I would live lol) or if I am getting two books mixed together.

It is kinda sad to admit, but I can probably tell you more stories from the above novels than I can about my first cousins. This is probably because I like books a lot more than I liked my cousins when we used to hang out. I try not to go to the same family functions as them lol.

I’m kind of trying to change what I read. I like trivia books these days, you know the kind – weird facts about such and such or something or other. Wifey is right into histories and biographies… I find a lot of these are just really too dry for me. Wifey has a much longer attention span. I only really read in bed, so if the book is really dry I don’t get very far into it before I fall asleep. I’ve run out of room in all my bookcases, so one thing I will be doing with the cottage that may be slightly unconventional is using it to store more bookcases so I can buy books again. I’m on a holiday from Borders until I have room to store more books. I have no room for more bookcases in this house. It kinda sux.

Eurgh. I just remembered that I forgot about the business card comp again. I’ll get onto that this afternoon after work if I have time. It sux that my usb for bigpond has gone walkabout, or I would do it while I am at work today. And also Mowby reminded me about the Green P’s thing…. I’ll make the phone call to book in today. Don’t laugh at me if I fail the test though.

I blame this particular blog on having no coffee. I realise it doesn’t flow very well, but yeah, I have no coffee, so what can you expect at this time of day?

Because I am freezing my titties off right about now. 3 layers, plus uggies, plus a thermal vest, and it is still nearly too cold to type.

I had a test run in the Cooks Hill place last night, and well… it’ll do, I suppose but I was expecting something a little more flash. Whoever decorated that place did a really half assed job. Thanks Bob’s not a Builder, I was in need of a warm up, a week off is not my usual style I’m happy to report that all of my bits are in working order, and seem to have cheered up remarkably during my time off

Hmmm. Contemplating recruiting a coffee slave. Wifey is asleep or she would make me coffee if I asked nicely. It’s colder out in the kitchen than it is in here… no carpet on the floor out there. I don’t want to go where it is colder….

The other thing about this Cooks Hill place is that it is built like Fort Knox. I’m not a fan of carded entry, but that is what we’ve got for this week, so soz about that. Best I could do for this week, I’m afraid. I was expecting something a lot nicer based on the location, but yeah… It’s not gross or anything like that, it’s just not as pretty as I wanted it to be. And the owners obviously don’t really care about how it looks because they left the phone cords hanging out of the wall in the lounge room

I really need more coffee. I think I will just have to brave the cold.( goes to the kitchen) And there was no coffee left, so all I have is a cup of tea. Tea just won’t do. I want coffee dammit. *pouts*

The sun is just starting to come up now. I’ve finished my cup of tea… I hate it when that happens. Oh crap, it’s pouring rain. Like really pouring, hair stuck to your scalp within the first two minutes type pouring. That’s not cool…. The apartment doesn’t have undercover parking, I am gonna get wet if it doesn’t stop in the next few hours.

I am trying NOT to blog about how much I want this application to come through for the cottage. I’m trying to not jinx myself. I’m nervous about how much work it will be renovating the place, and whether I can get it up to the standard my clients and I are used to. I’m nervous about how much of a risk it is – It’s a big step for me to take, and I am wondering if all the safeguards I have in place will be enough. I’m not worried about clients at all, you guys will be fine, I am more worried about the council and all the hoops I have to jump through there.

I have come to the conclusion that tea is useless for waking me up. Didn’t work at all. Still yawning like yeti.

Sorry this blog is short and kinda boring… I am still not awake yet.

Lani xx

Barring any horrible accidents or ugly flu germs rearing their heads for a second shot at Supreme Ruler of my Sinuses, we are back in the game

I’ve booked accommodation in Cooks Hill, it’s kinda crappy for parking, very bad for my shopping addiction, but the apartment should be lovely from what I have heard, I will check it out tonight when I take all the sheets and towels and dildoes over for tomorrow morning And I can walk to the beach from there heheh Added bonus.

Anyone wanting a lunch date, this week is perfect for it – there are some awesome lil cafes in Darby street

People waiting on emails, I’m working on it as we speak. People waiting for the slack bitch that is me to answer her phone, call me now, I’m answering it until late this afternoon. Actually, I have a doctors appointment at 3, so I won’t be answering it all day. Pot luck it is then lolz.

You know I’d rather hang here, but I have to get back to the emails Bai….

Lani xx

I’ve had this stupid sinus thing….. No motivation to get stuff done, no motivation to organise things…. I hate being sick, I know everyone does but for some reason I get man colds instead of chick colds. I’m still hacking away here with a slightly juicy nose, but I think I am past the worst of it.

Huge apologies to everyone who has been trying to get in touch – I’ve been Snobby McSnobaLot this week. I’m thinking I should be good to go from tomorrow morning though, so I am going to organise some accommodation this morning and cross my fingers that the lil green Demazin monster takes the hint and buggers off.

Bella, thanks for the clove oil suggestion but Wifey says she’s used it before with mixed results – it’s for surface pain, not root canal stuff, which is what Wifey needs. She’s been acting like she has sore teeth lately too – it’s no fun at our house right now, one of us is sore from teeth, the other one is afflicted with sore sinuses… talk about grumpy bum central lolz. That’s why I didn’t blog yesterday, we were giving the neighbors something to talk about…..

I need more coffee.

I have a doctors appointment today, and I am handing in the application for the cottage, so wish me luck with that. So I’ll make today my last day off, and start work again from tomorrow. Hopefully. Fingers crossed nothing else happens lolz.

Anyhoo, better go jump in the shower, I’m still in scarecrow mode at the moment

Lani xx

I still sound like an ad for Demazin, or possibly like an overweight puppy of some variety, panting and wheezing away. Big wet snuffles to you all.

I want to tell you about yesterday though. Yesterday was kinda crappy but also kinda awesome. The morning was kinda crappy. Wifey woke up with Angelina Jolie lips, in pain, in obvious need of a dentist.

Stupid insurance companies ate up all my touring money this week, with their greedy excess’s. I also have to have money aside in case I get the lease for this cottage I have been talking about. I have that, but if I spend any of it, I won’t have it anymore. Plus I need to have money aside so I can go back to work, I need about a thousand bucks to book accommodation for the week, and also about 250 to put an ad in the paper.

What all that means is I don’t have money for a dentist, and if you live in Newcastle, and you are silly enough to wake up on a weekend in need of dental work, you NEED money for the dentist, because the dentist doesn’t care if you look like your face is gonna explode, the dentist will not treat you if you don’t have 200 or 300 bucks to spare.

RANT RAVE AND ASSORTED THROWING OF SHOES.

WTF. It’s fucking disgusting that the second largest city in NSW does not have free emergency dental care available, at all, in any way shape or form, if you need it on a weekend. Wifey had to go without – If we dip into the money we have left, we are in a pretty shaky situation.

I really was not expecting to have to take yet another week off due to stupid flu symptoms. As soon as I have a day where I do not have any flu symptoms, I will get that damn flu shot. I am sick of being sick already. It’s so freaking expensive. Every week I have off work, is a week where I had all the same living expenses but absolutely no income. I hate it. It makes me feel anxious and desperate, it cancels out all the good weeks where I saved like a good little squirrel. One bad week can ruin the whole months income, and put me right back where I started again.

There is nothing on the planet as frustrating as working your guts out, doing all the right things, inching slowly ahead, and then BAM, take that bitch, off to bed with a box of tissues for you, and you can forget about your new car for another couple of months, cos you is sick. Ha.You have to keep driving your deathtrap, nerr nerr.

I mean, it’s not even an illness that gets you flowers. It’s just the flu. No one is gonna break the budget on a towering stack of tigerlillies cos you got the flu. Cancer, yeah for sure, there’s a floral arrangement in it for you, but the flu? pfft. Forget it. Nothing romantic about the flu.

So yesterday morning was not fun for me. It’s my job to look after Wifey if she gets sick, and the hour and a half I spent ringing around snuffling and coughing at people did nothing to help the situation, it just left me feeling drained (except in the sinus areas) and helpless and like I was doing a shitty job of caring for my friend, because nothing I had found out was going to help relieve her pain or treat the cause of it.

Then Violet showed up – She was supposed to come over last week but ended up canceling last minute, and then standing me up the next day, leaving me feeling like Nigel No Friends. At that stage I was still on the phone in my dressing gown, so I went and had a shower – Not cool to be slouching around in polar fleece if you have friends over lolz. I’d gotten to the point where I was heading towards smashing the new phone as well, so we gave up on finding a dentist. Then I got a text from my new therapist confirming my appointment for…. oh hang on, that can’t be right……

Shit. Gotta go now. Sorry Violet, the appointment is in 10 minutes… Bai…..She said she was going to head off back to her parents place, so I thought I’d missed out on catching up, yet again

Yah… text was delayed or something lolz. Luckily Violet coming over had pushed me into the shower and off of the phone, or I never would have made it in time. I have had trouble finding a therapist I click with. I get fairly defensive before I go into appointments, usually speculating about what label I’m gonna end up with this time, or wondering if my medication will be switched again…. Ew. Switching medications is pretty much the definition of not fun, with a side of crazy and perhaps a headache and some stomach cramps just to top it off. And I swear they do it just to keep you on your toes lol.

So, I’ve been doctor shopping, pretty much. One appointment with you, no, didn’t like you, moving right along, next…. that sort of thing. The last therapist I saw I told you about, she looked like Little Buddha. I’m all for people being spiritual in their own time, I am pretty much against dragging your religion into areas of your life where I am forced to observe it though. It seems to be self indulgent and borderline offensive to me.

I don’t masturbate in front of people who don’t pay me for the privilege (I had to think about that  for a second, and then add “who don’t pay….. ” lol) but I don’t think that there is anything wrong with playing with yourself  – I just think it should be done in private. I feel the same way about religion. If religion is done right, it should bring you the same feelings of ecstasy and contentment…. I just don’t want to have to watch you doing it please.

A therapist in a very obviously Buddhist ensemble is as off putting to me as one in Jane Jameson’s bustless corset complete with riding crop would be. Both outfits are designed to produce a strong emotional response, both in the wearer and in the viewer. I don’t think a strongly religious or sexual overtone should be part of a therapy session. There are times and places for everything.

Buddha gear can be worn in your temple, or while meditating, or during a prayer meeting. I’m sure the feeling of wearing it, of being perceived in that way, can add to your religious experience. In the same way that Jane’s corset could make you feel sexier, the saffron robes may make you feel more holy.

I don’t want my therapy sessions to be about religious or spiritual enlightenment though. Any more than I want to have to use a safety word or nipple clamps during the session. It just isn’t appropriate in my opinion. We’re there to talk about me being a headcase, not to admire the latest range that Omm Fashion is promoting.

So, back to topic at hand, you can imagine my relief when the girl who answered the door had hair. The last one had a buzzcut, this one has a cute blonde just past the shoulders haircut, and obviously has a good relationship with her hairdresser Phew. Off to a good start. We aren’t going to have major ideological differences from the outset. And she was dressed as I expected her to be, and obviously agrees with my perception that everyone has an obligation to look the part. Except for high class escorts, who have an obligation to NOT look the part lol. At least in public

I had an hour session, during which she laughed at all my jokes… She gets that I make fun of myself to get in before others can, and knows that it is a tool to get people on my side, but she still thinks I’m funny. Which is fantastic. I can’t work with people who don’t laugh at my jokes. It’s a bit crushing when you go to all that effort to make someone giggle and all you get is a flat look lol. My overall impression of her is that she is pretty awesome, very easy to talk to, and she actually asked me what my goals were instead of assuming she knew best, which is extremely promising.And she is cute, which is just a bonus

JEEEEEBUS PRINCESS. Make up your mind already. She’s been in and out the front door all morning. She is being Lil Miss High Maintenance this morning. She doesn’t get that it is freeezey cold this morning and I just don’t want to be opening the door all the time and letting the warm air out. Sorry. Bloody spoilt pudda tat.

So after the therapy session went so well, my mood was majorly improved. I went and bought Wifey a special cake from the place that has the super special cakes, and got us a couple of pies and some coffee’s, and went home to see how she was holding up. She was looking pretty miserable when I left.

Guess what? Violet was still there!! That’s awesome…. We used to see each other every Tuesday night, I’d crash at her place before heading into the city on Wednesday mornings to do my Wednesdays in Sydney thing. Constant no shows and cancellations put an end to that, and I have really really missed it since. I am a bit of a boring old nana these days, I don’t  really go out much any more, so the Tuesday nights were like Social Girly Night for me lol. So anyway, while I was gone Violet had done her usual thing of updating mine and Wifeys laptops with all the latest gadgetty things, and after she left I had to listen to Wifey grumbling that she’d changed everything lolz.

I think Wifey dislikes change even more than I do sometimes

Wifey, while I was out, had located a box of amoxyllin that was still in date, so  hopefully that will help ease the swelling until she can get into the dentist on Monday. I still feel 10 kinds of crappy I didn’t have immediate spare cash to just pay for a regular dentist, but I’ve paid over a grand in insurance bills alone this week, so yeah… I mean, I know this stuff happens to most people , and that a good 70% of the country isn’t any more financially organised than me, but it makes me so fucking angry…

I know most of it is my fault – I’m really crappy with paperwork for a start. Wifey is still fixing (as in repairing, not cooking lol) my bookwork  – I’ve never kept records properly, and none of my employees have either. I just didn’t know how to run a business properly is what it comes down to. Wifey does, however, she is very very good at small details, I am much better with big picture, if you get what I mean.

Once all that is in order (Wifey has explained it will take some time, as she is working from shoeboxes and my inbox to piece together what she can, basically) life will improve dramatically, because I will be able to prove income and expenditure, which means I’ll have a credit rating, which means I won’t need to save large chunks of money like I currently do if I want to buy something, I’ll be able to get a loan and pay it off.

Sooooo much easier. I could have had that new 4wd 7 times over by now if I’d been able to just apply for a loan. Instead I am trying to save 10k in one spot, which is nearly impossible with bills coming in all the time and taking big bites out of it.

If anyone mentions my shopping addiction at this point I’ll stomp on your toes.

Here’s a sticky question for you. Why the fuck do I still know Pythagoras’s Theorum ( C squared = A squared + B squared) when I was never taught the basics of what to do in a car bingle? I had no idea what to do re insurance, and it turns out I did everything wrong.

The education system in this country assumes that everyone has responsible, intelligent parents with forethought and a desire to see their children to do well in life, who will teach you how to drive and how to do insurance and taxes and all that other stuff you’re supposed to know. Guess who doesn’t have parents like that? Yep, I’m a genetic lucky dip, the apple that rolled so far away from the apple tree that at some point I turned into a mandarin. And I am still feeling somewhat resentful that I wasn’t taught what I needed to know to function well in this society IN SCHOOL. Things like taxes, how to drive, insurance companies and how they are the devil, all of that stuff.

I can tell you now that if all that stuff was basic general knowledge I’d probably know a hell of a lot more about it. As it is, I get very tense and angry and nervous when I have to deal with any of those areas, because I just don’t know enough about them. Like I didn’t know that being on my p’s was going to cost me 300 bucks extra per car accident because insurance companies don’t care if you’ve been driving for years, if you don’t have a full license, your excess is 900 instead of 600 please. Or that they can order your rta records and make it more expensive if they like. Or that it can cost $1200 to fix a car worth less than that, and if it is someone else’s shit box, you’ll still have to pay it.

It’s times like these I wish I’d had a normal family with a dad who could teach me this stuff lol. Any volunteers? I’m already contemplating buying the business studies syllabus from year 8 through to year 12… I’m thinking I should have done that instead of ancient and modern history. God knows that Archduke Franz Ferdinand’s part in the lead up to world wide tensions has never helped me except on trivia nights. Oh, and in knowing where the band got its name from.

I have a new self challenge, after managing to conquer fear of Melbourne CBD (well ish…. I wouldn’t say it was a total victory, I did sob in the corner, so I won’t call it that, but I did what I said I couldn’t do, and I am a bit proud) and it’s another irrational fear, so we’re working with the same stuff here… My Green P’s. You lot know, probably, that I’ve been on my red P’s so long that I had to get a new picture taken because I didn’t look like the old one.

There’s a reason for that. I don’t like tests. Like, to the point where I lost points in my test for my red P’s because I left the blinker on after I pulled over to hurl up nervous butterflies. I still passed first go, but dear god I felt sick. I cried for pretty much the whole driving test. Half were just tears from nerves, and half were from embarrassment that I was acting like such a knobstick.

I don’t even know what I am so afraid of. I used to love tests. In high school I looked forward to kicking everyone’s ass. I nearly always did, I was a super smarty pants. These days the thought of being tested makes me squirm… I don’t want to be tested, I don’t want to be measured and judged. I’d prefer to stay on my red p’s and know that I am doing just fine, thankyouverymuch.

That is, however, really fucking ghey. It’s totally dysfunctional for a start. I need to get over it and just go get my green P’s. It won’t really help with the insurance situation, that only changes when you get your full license and have held it for more than 2 years, but I won’t ever get to that stage until I take the first step. So I’m going to book in for Friday. And try not to vomit on the carpet. And I’ve told you lot that I am going to do it, so now I am accountable. I’ll make the phone call tomorrow.

Wow. Long blog. I must have been rambling for a while lolz. I’ll get out of your hair, you must have other stuff you need to be doing

Lani xx

I have to address this at some point, because a lot of people are labouring under the misapprehension that I give a toss. I just got an email with a link to some website purporting to speak the truth about FIA. Ummm I DON’T CARE. lol. I’ve heard the house is falling down over there, but I’m banned anyway so it isn’t really any of my business. I care about my friends and acquaintances… I don’t really care about communities I’m not a part of.

The Forums, and FIA in particular, were a huge opening door for me back when I first discovered them, a whole world full of like minded deviates who were all about the thing I’ve been passionate about since I discovered it at the ripe old age of 18 – sex work.

Many of you know I have had a turbulent time with FIA. First there was my clash on drinks night with the Illustrious Leader, DeeJay… He told me in what I found to be a very patronising way to settle down, because I was being a slight floozy, and I yelled in a loud and boganish way, across the room, for him not to be such a fucking prude, or words to that effect.

DeeJay and I continued to piss each other off right up until we had a long phone chat (like 2 years later….), where he explained that he was uncomfortable in the posh surrounds of the Transport Lounge and thought me being a tart would get us kicked out (I’ve seen worse in the loo’s at 3 hat restaurants, so I know you can get away with a fair bit lolz) and I thought he was being a bit of a bossy betty, which is never a good way to get me onside. I respond very badly to orders.Very Very badly. I have issues with respecting authoritah

Anyhoo, I am the sort of person who lets hot potatoes drop as soon as the issues have been addressed. At this stage I have no issue with DeeJay. He explained where he was coming from, he apologised for giving me the wrong impression, I apologised for calling him a prude in public and for upsetting him in the first place. We havn’t spoken since, so as far as I am concerned all issues are sorted, and DeeJay and I have no beef.

FIA and I have got a bit of an ideology clash. I’m all for safer sex and the education of sex workers to improve our working standards, and FIA is or was home to a bit of a boys club who enjoyed riskier services that may or may not be illegal in some states, specifically BBBJ.

I’ll state again, for the record, that I don’t believe BBBJ should be included in a standard service, and that I won’t ever be including it in mine. I don’t mind if other people do it, it is up to each worker to choose what level of risk he or she is comfortable with, but it’s not something I’ll be doing anytime in the future. I also think it is completely reprehensible for girls to be criticized for providing a safe service. I was told at one point that I must be a really shitty sex worker, and that I would never last in the industry. That kind of attitude was rife on FIA, and used to get me into a few stouches.

The BBBJ wars lasted a couple of years, and culminated in me getting a good review in the open forum by some idiot, who then published a really disgraceful review in a closed forum known as “the shed” in retaliation for me NOT providing a service with BBBJ.

Once I got wind of this nastier version, through someone who breached “the shed’s” the code of silence to let me know that I was being slandered in an area when I had no way of defending myself, I was FURIOUS. I knew the review was a punishment for me not capitulating to some very strong suggestions that “next time I should lose the condom”.

I immediately contacted Andy J, who was the moderator of the shed. Obviously I was expecting him to take my concerns seriously, I was prepared to show evidence in the way of back and forth emails and PM’s that the person who reviewed me had been pressuring me for things I don’t provide, and therefore that this derogatory review was false and defamatory.

What I was NOT expecting was Andy’s reaction. I had been part of a breach of his beloved shed. He did not care that the review was false, he was more concerned about how the fuck I knew about it. I was not supposed to have access to the shed, it is boys only, and more to the point, invite only. No Girls Allowed. I felt blown away by his reaction. I was in shock – does he not realise my reputation is on the line? I had been emailed the responses to the review as well – it was overwhelmingly “thanks for the warning, she sounds like a pig, I’ll avoid her like the plague”.

I was gutted. This was NOT what was supposed to happen. I did not realise then that the shed was Andy’s pet project, or that he would place a higher value on the confidentiality that had been breached then on the fact that his shed was being used to try to blackmail or coerce sex acts out of me that are not available.

After that, I am pretty sure Andy J thought of me as the Devil. It certainly soured our relationship to the point that I thought he was going out of his way to offend me or punish me for things that seemed petty. I have to admit I didn’t help the situation. I have a bad habit of poking the bear. I can’t resist sideswipes at people who are shitty with me for some reason. My mum says its because I am a born smart ass. That’s probably true lol.

Anyway, Andy was a bear that did not enjoy a good poking. Eventually, he’d packed the shits with me to the point that I was banned from FIA for using the word “misogynist” in a sentence. Ouch. He banned me, and then posted something longwinded and fairly cheeky, that culminated with him telling me to get on my bike. Hence the blog a few days back lol. I found that funny enough to just call things even, so as far as I am concerned the issue is dealt with and Andy and I have no beef either.

As for the rest of FIA, with the exception of a few majorly outspoken chauvinistic pigs, I’ve always enjoyed the forum. I miss Jazzie, the GOF moderator. I still think, that as far as a resource for the Australian Sex Industry goes, FIA is pretty much a one stop shop for boys.It has the most extensive reviews, in most areas, and is definitely the biggest “for punters by punters” forum in Australia.

For girls, I think the Girls Only Forum is still the biggest in the country. Jazzie, the moderator, should be christened a saint. I have never had a bad word to say about that woman, she is pure gold. Also she is very little and cute

I would however advise against being simultaneously honest and active in the main forum, last time I looked it was open season on hookers… everything I said was picked apart and made a big deal of, so unless you are Jessica Simpson, or have a similar attitude, I wouldn’t post in the open forum.

Something along the lines of “tee hee hee – boobies” will be appreciated, anything more intelligent or confrontational and you’re viewed as some kind of emasculating hairy legged german lesbian with a big pair of pruning shears and a maniacal grin. However, even as a basic non advertising member, you can get a hell of a lot of work out of FIA through the chatroom and PM’s. If you can work within the system they have going over there, you can do really well. If you put your foot in your mouth a lot, or have a misplaced sense of feminine justice, tread carefully.

This is my opinion. Others may have had better luck, but if you have a habit of saying what you really really think, I would say it somewhere else. FIA is completely open about its boys club status, there’s even a blurb down the right hand side of the page warning the wimmens to keep in their place. Growing up egalitarian as I did, I found that attitude nearly impossible to deal with… YMMV.

So, I’m banned from FIA. And auxxxreviews, although to be honest after the way they (peter and mark, that is) carried on when I signed up as an advertiser it isn’t that big a loss… Still waiting for my apology and unbanning, btw. Not holding my breath tho lolz.

I’m not banned from SDU though Half the reason I was banned from FIA was because I was a moderator on SDU…. my loyalty was compromised or some crap. I took a vacation from SDU after a falling out with the owner, and if it hadn’t been for the fact that my friends made me, I probably would have given the whole forum thing a miss after that. I’m glad I didn’t tho, there are some really awesome people on SDU. The chat room is a crack up.That place is, for me, like dropping into a friends house and pulling up a bean bag and putting in an order for coffee

SDU is not male focused, like FIA. It’s community focused, with a “we’re all in this together” sort of attitude. There are much friendlier guidelines, and the parties rock… And there are heaps of chicks, because people are nice to them on SDU, and don’t see them as commodities.There are a few people who make me roll my eyes in disbelief, but you get that where ever you go.

If anyone asked me what my fave website is tho…. it’d be mine lol. Screw you guys hehehehe. This one is much more awesome

So, in summary, Does Lani Give A Flying Toss About Forum Politics? No she does not. Lani gives a toss about individuals, and does not particularly care which forum those individuals happen to be a member of.

Lani is also capable of seeing the good in people who act like cockheads some of the time. This is due to Lani being a good person who acts like a flaming cockhead at least once a day. It would be hypocritical for me to hold it against others when I make such a habit of doing it myself. As such once all apologies are made, I DON’T HOLD GRUDGES. I don’t care if other people do, I don’t. Therefore, I don’t care what people WHO USED TO BE on the wrong side of me are doing.

I’m not pissed with DeeJay, I am not pissed with Andy J. As far as I am concerned we’re all on neutral ground now. So no more emails glorifying the shit FIA is going through please…. Anyone who thinks I am that petty really doesn’t know me very well.

Lani xx