Archive for August, 2010

Heyy

i’ve got some spare time while I wait for my car to be refitted with some stuff I know i’ve been somewhat snobbish lately, but god I feel better for it!!! Time away from all the bullshit and backstabbing of the forums have reminded me that I used to have a life outside of work. It was a pretty good one too.

In the last week I’ve been trying to pick some of it off where I left off… I’ve walked the dogs every day this week. I’ve discovered a park with one of those old school spinning wheels you hold onto, run with, jump on and hol on for dear life with. I fell off twice and didn’t bruise or break anything, which is unusual for me I’ve lost a friend over bullshit and made a new friend in the process.

I’ve stopped using my lani life as an excuse to neglect my other life. I even tried to go on a date – it was an epic fail… One of those uber embarrassing ‘ oh I’m sorry – you thought this was a date’ ‘yes, yes I did. My bad’ moments.

Sadly that’s happened to me more than once. I don’t cope well with all the pussy footing around in real life. It’s one of the reasons whoring suits me so well. It’s a way to take all the uncertainty out of dating. I just want to know you think I’m adorable and clever and funny. You handing over cash confirms that yes indeedy, I am those

things and you’d like to shag now.

OK, yesterday was a bit of a fail workwise, but on the other hand my house is all spick n span and Wifey and I have promised each other we’ll keep it that way forever and ever.

Bets on how long that will last should be submitted now.

Damn you hotmail for your extended forwarding times. Damn the insurance industry for messing with things in general, and real estate in particular. Damn the real estate itself for complying with the insurance industry. Damn house inspections most of all, and more than that, damn house inspections you don’t find out about until the morning they are supposed to happen right to hell.

Gawd, that was an effort… We found out about our 11am inspection (they happen every 3 months now for some reason, we suspect because they have to comply with insurance bodies who don’t care if we don’t want strangers tramping through our home on a regular basis poking through the bathroom and possibly disturbing new habitats) at the ripe old time of about 7am.

We got it switched to a 4.30 inspection, and then spent the day madly dusting and vacuuming and sorting piles of lonely socks into happy little couples. Which was exhausting but kinda fun… Wifey and I very rarely clean at the same time, she is a nightowl and I am an early bird. I make her coffee in the morning to get her sleepy ass out of bed, and she switches the light off for me after I fall asleep at nana o’clock.. It works in a strange way, as our house isn’t huge and we are both quite snobbish at times, both of us need a lot of alone time or we get narky

Anyhoo, enough about Wifey and the housework, my point was I didn’t get any shagging done yesterday. None. I’m having a bit of a dry spell lolz. I havn’t even checked into the hotel yet

The phone is switched on now however, and I’m about to go jump in the shower and put my face on etc, so I’ll be ready to rumble from say 7-8 if anyone is keen for an eye opener, and then from 9am- 3ish or whenever I get bored and go home

Also, has anyone spotted the new Happy Hour and other specials page? there has been pretty much no comment on it, so I’m wondering if it’s the stony silence of disapproval I am hearing, or if it is possibly the distracted silence of “who? What now?” and no one has actually spotted it yet….. Let me know what you think of it anyway. Especially you, Boater. I named it after you, after all I hope you aren’t cross at me because I snapped at you….. Sorry again.

Oh, EWW!! I just looked outside and either my eyes are playing tricks on me or it is a fucking awful day outside!! It could just be the grey of dawn, but I think it is the grey of a miserable sort of day outside…. Yuck

OK, showertime

Lani xx

Ambrosia just said she wants to come up in late September!!!!!! Woot Woot – I might get to play with her boobies again

Just a heads up for all the boys who like me, are slightly obsessed with her pretty pretty face and her massive massive tits

hehehe… I’d write some more but I am severely distracted by the prospect of getting her to maybe nude up on a secluded beach with me, or set up a slip n slide in my back yard with tiny bikinis and a bucket of baby oil……

mmmmmmmmmmmmmm. oily boobies

Morning peoples,

I’ve had an awesome week off. The weather has been mainly sunny and lovely with blue skies to forever, my dogs have had great big long walks every day this week, my timtam stock is very nearly depleted from nighttime munchings in bed, and I’ve finally opened the book Admin Monkey gave me as a pressie ages and ages ago, and found that it is much less serious than I had imagined it would be. It’s pretty good actually

I think my mojo is almost back I’m going to stick with only working a few days a week until the next big bill or family emergency or other big money drainer comes along and focus on being relaxed and happy and keep patting myself on the back for ticking one of the more immediate goals off the list

Anyhoo, sorry I’ve been a crappy blogger lately. If it makes any difference I’ve been a happier person

Lani xx

I pick up my new car today See ya later deathtrap bahahahahahaha!!!!!

I’m going to chuck the dogs in the back and go to the beach and christen the car into its new life of wet dogs and sandy carpets.

So so so so so so so sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo HAPPY!!!

I get cross when my goals aren’t being achieved… Hopefully this means my mojo is back and my life will go back to being a series of happy occurrences, rather than the lemony snickets version I’ve been having lately.

Sorry, too happy and distracted to write anything really worth reading lolz. I keep getting simultaneously bouncy and teary because this car thing has been a major issue for me for like a year or something, and life kept getting in the way of me fixing it. Nuts to you, life, I did it anyway Woo hoo.

I’ve got a new car, lalalalalalalaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Gotta go before I come off as even more of an airhead than I usually do lolz

Lani xx

Heya,

Sorry I went AWOL, I’ve had a heap of things come up that I needed to take care of… Besides, I was getting grumpy, I needed a bit of time off.

Anyhoo, no need to stress, I’m alive and well, I’ll be back on deck next week for Tuesday and Wednesday, and I’ve got a bunch of new deals on the Happy Hour and Other Special Packages page I’ve just put up recently.I’m available Thursday night if anyone wants to take advantage of the Thursday night deals I should put that on the availability page I just put up too lolz…

Umm whats new… I found a new park for the dogs to play in, we’ve been every morning this week and a couple of the afternoons. The weather has been absolutely gorgeous

A mysterious benefactor has paid a lump sum in advance for a series of overnighters, which has given me the opportunity to go car shopping a few times this week. Woohoo!!! Bubbye deathtrap. You’re getting replaced mwahahaha. If anyone else wants to join the ranks of “mysterious benefactor” I’m offering a great deal to people I know only – if you’re interested in buying me in bulk and saving, drop me an email, I’m ignoring the phone pretty much this week.

Which reminds me,  Rocky Denison (don’t worry folks, it’s his porn star name, not his real one lolz) volunteered to take me to the auctions in Sydney when I got the $$ together for the new car…..  can you text/email me if you spot this? I have no way to get in contact with you…

Well, the sun is shining, the washing machine is beeping… I need to go peg out my frilly ning nings in preparation for next week. I’ll try to be less of a snob, but to be honest I havn’t been a fan of the internet this week lolz I’ll get back to regular blogging when I feel like I don’t need a holiday from it any more

Lani xx

And she growled at me in a very sleepy fashion, before sticking her head back under the blanket. Wifey is not ready for coffee yet, apparently. I was bored so I thought I might try to introduce her to the fine Saturday morning we’re having right now, and it turns out she doesn’t want to know about it just yet. Now I have 2 coffees hehehehe. Just call me the coffee monster

Sorry about all the dramatics this week peoples. I’ve been a grumpy bum, and I’ve been taking things  – like Monday, which should have been a minor hiccup with a funny story behind it, way too hard. I put it down to me not looking after me, and me cracking the shits with me because I am such a slavedriver.

I have to be reminded occasionally that fair work laws apply to me as well, and no one can stay normal and sane if all they do is work, and more work, and when they aren’t working they think about work, and write about work, and talk about work with other people they work with. Work work work.

I’ve forgotten, somewhere along the line, that I am naturally quite lazy. All this work – it isn’t good for me. Sometimes I should running around drunk and topless on a beach with my friends, full of vim and vigour and vodka cocktails, squealing at the surf purely for the hell of it. It’s what makes life fun

I neglect my friends and family disgracefully, I don’t know how they put up with me drifting in and out of contact all the time. I think most of them accept that I am busy and also forgetful, but that I do love them lots. I’m not deliberately snobbing anyone.

In aid of that, today I am hanging out with my dogs. They get forgotten a bit too.  I don’t know what we’ll do, but I’m open to suggestions I think dog beach is a good start. Then maybe a hill walk. Outdoorsy active stuff anyway. Fun stuff. Any neglected friends who want to come with, call me!!!!!

I know someone I owe a sultana scroll who could probably cash in on that today if they called me at some point……

Lani xx

Yes, he totally did.

I don’t know how to impart all the feelings I have had over the past week. Rollercoaster goes up into the starry heights that pinacled with Neil Gaiman, someone whom I’ve idolised from afar for over a decade, someone who has given me shivery goosebumps, both of the kind you get from reading something really beautiful, and the kind you get when reading something that terrifies you to your core, he has given me actual visible goosebumps from half a planet away without even trying… Neil Gaiman invited me to a swish, fancypants, exclusive, invitation only gathering in the Opera House, and he recognised me and greeted me by name, and he hugged me.

It was the best kind of hug… the kind where you get a little squeeze at the end of it.

I don’t know if I can top that. His only clue to who I was was my butt pic on twitter, and the information I’d tweeted to him earlier about what I was wearing. He still came straight from the podium, hand extended to greet me, and said “You must be *insert my real name here*”

(Excuse me one moment. AAAAAAAAAaaaaahhhhhhAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH. he said my name and touched me !!!! I’ll never be this happy again!!!!!!)

Sorry about that. I did my best not to be a screaming fan at him. I think I was fairly reserved all night. Ish. For me, anyway

I think the best part of the night was when we said goodnight – he looked like he was about to keel over from exhaustion and I was feeling slightly guilty about harassing him with my needy and adoring self, when he gave an exasperated sort of sigh and said “Don’t look like that!!”

“Like what?”

“Like you’re bothering me. You’re not bothering me, you’re lovely.”

I’m not lovely, he is. He is possibly the loveliest person I’ve ever had the fortune to meet. I came on all weird and stalker-ish at him, and he was beautiful and kind and thoughtful, and totally forgiving of my urge to gush at him. Even with jetlag.

I met his daughter, too. I always feel particularly touched when people who know what I do introduce me to their children. It shows acceptance, understanding that I’m not just a whore. That there is more to me than just my job. It’s always been something that means a lot to me.

I’ll share a secret with you – I’ve been banned from associating with younger members of my own family in the past, due to my uncle and my brother in law deciding that prostitution is contagious somehow. I havn’t seen my niece or nephew from my older sister in 6 years for that very reason. I was very close to them before I was banned from seeing them – I miss them a lot.

I made a sneaky phonecall to my nephew, who is the eldest, last year. He is 10, nearly 11 now, and was 9 then. I was his favourite Aunty, we used to hang out all the time. He doesn’t remember me at all. He doesn’t know who I am. No one in his family talks about me at all, I am a banned topic of conversation, apparently, or I was. I explained that I was his mums little sister, and he asked if I was “the bad one”.

At that point I apologised for bothering him, and I got off the phone.What else could I do?

So when Neil Gaiman, who I am just a tiny tiny little bit in love with, tells me he is being a bad father and accepts my help in locating his absent offspring, that is a pretty big thing for me. His daughter is a really likable young lady. I am extremely jealous of her…. Guess who read her bedtime stories when she was a little girl?

Oh, and cutest thing ever. I asked Neil what Maddie (daughter) was wearing and he said “oh…. I don’t know…… clothes. American clothes”. Typical male attention to fashion, or typical dad? I havn’t decided on that one yet hehehe.

There is a metaphor hanging just out of reach in the back of my mind, about rare shiny golden moments, and about seizing them and keeping them locked tight in your heart. This particular moment is so shiny my eyes keep welling up, it is too bright to look at closely without tears of “This is too much”. I feel like I’ve been staring at the sun, and I’m in the swimming dots stage you get afterwards, where everything else is dull in comparison.

I never expected this in my life. I never thought I would meet an idol of mine, someone who has affected my life in ways he can’t possibly know about, or that he would acknowledge me, let alone invite me to a once in a lifetime type of event and give me a big squeezy hug!!

I am overwhelmed. My expectations of the night were so far exceeded that I am still not sure that this isn’t the night before the event, and I dream of what I hope will happen. If I pinch, how can I be sure I don’t pinch in my dream?

Please don’t pinch me. I don’t want to wake up.

Lani xx

OK, lets just say for a start that yesterday was bitterly, bitterly disappointing. And that Angels don’t exist. And that in fact I’ve been bloody bamboozled again.

There is no apartment for me. Through the layer of garbled lies I got, I assume Adele from Blue Gum Apartments, the non angel, had a massive change of heart.

She didn’t leave the keys where she said she would, she insists that she never said she’d leave them in the letterbox (she did), and despite the fact that I found the note that she left for me in the door, it was pinned too tightly to take out to read, but it was still there when I went back yesterday, she claims she checked other people in as soon as my credit card declined. She says she did this 10am Monday morning because I didn’t meet her at the apartment. Umm. I never told her I was going to meet her there. She said the keys were being put in the letterbox… Was I supposed to be there to watch her do it? I don’t know. I was under the impression that I could then pick them up at my convenience.

For the record, my credit card is fully topped up. I don’t believe it declined, or that she has leased the property to someone else…. You’d think the note would have fallen out of the door when they checked in.

I believe she just plain changed her mind.You don’t tell someone never to call you again if you think they were late putting money on the credit card. The other thing was she never called me to tell me about any of this, I had to ring her to find out why the keys weren’t where she said she would leave them, and then found out she had no intention of giving them to me.

So basically, unless I want to rent the REALLY expensive serviced apartments, all of which are security apartments, then I am screwed. Or I could rent cockroach infested motels I suppose.To be totally honest I really don’t want to even think of it – it just makes me want to cry. I try so fucking hard to make things nice for my clients… I am over all the effort for such little reward. I am a very good tenant, I even take my own bins out, I am sick of being treated like a bloody hooker infestation. I can almost hear the receptionists screaming “quick, spray it!!!!!”

I’m feeling really depressed and stuck for ideas on accommodation now. I am SICK of this sort of thing happening. I’m not offering incalls again until I get something sorted out obviously, and I had yesterday off because I was in a foul and unattractive mood. I tried to blog at you yesterday but I may have been channeling a certain brunette from the ACT. It was not a balanced blog lolz. It’s in the reject bin for now.

So, look out Sydney. Well, actually, look out Parramatta. I’m thinking next week of coming for a visit. Newcastle can’t accommodate me, and CBD boys have given me the runaround before, so I’m thinking of making myself available for all the nice westy boys and seeing how that goes for me Regional tours are also something that have occurred to me, so if you live in the sticks and want a visit from me, drop me a line

The other thing is, and I am talking to Bob tha Builda and other boys who like me to send them home from work with a big smile on their faces, if I book sort of dodgy accommodation for a couple of days a week, would that suit you for happy hour? I don’t want to suddenly cancel it, there are a few faces I would really miss, but booking somewhere for the week now in Newcastle is going to be nearly impossible unless there are accommodation providers I don’t know about. And booking for the night works out to be very expensive most of the time, even at the yucky sorts of places.

The other thing I have thought about is working out of Maitland – There are always a lot of calls from out that way, and they have no parlour’s at all. Maitland boys, comment me if you want me to come down that way please.

Anyhoo, I don’t know. Feeling like the thing with Adele was a bit of a last straw for me. I am fucking sick of things being this hard. I really can’t see things working out with an incall place until I get the cottage up and running. After that I think life will be peachy, but until then, I have to come up with some other way of doing things. Back to the drawing board again.

OOh. Wifey just popped up behind me with one of those startling little pearls of wisdom she sometimes throws at my head….. I have somewhere v nice I can book for the 3 hour and 7 hour bookings, so they won’t be much affected. I will be needing advance notice for those, however. Say a week in advance?

It’s very nice and touristy with amazing views, but completely unsuited to shorter bookings – there’s a bit of a gauntlet to run past reception, I think I’d get busted very quickly if I tried to work out of there and was doing hour and half hour bookings. All is not lost however We can still do happy days appointments

On the shinier side of the coin, I was full of pent up aggression and anger and sadness and just frustration yesterday. As a result my house is much, much cleaner. I killed all the dustbunnies good. The laundry didn’t see it coming. I think the rug in the back room is still shaking and crying a bit. The dishes were watching me warily out of the corners of the kitchen all day, but I left them alone – that’s Wifey’s domain. The vacuum cleaner is probably still puffing a bit tho, it got an awesome workout. Does anyone else get the urge to slaughter countless millions of innocent dust mites when things don’t go their way, or am I just slightly scary maybe?

So anyways, in summation, I am still alive but have been awfully cranky. I have no accommodation for this week, so hour and half hour appointments are currently unavailable. Sorry about that. Please feel free to contact Adele at Blue Gum Apartments if you have any issues with her being a *edited because Wifey said it wasn’t cool – feel free to add your own adjective/noun combination* and preventing me from working – I got no where with her, you may have better luck lolz.

Anyhoo, in the meantime, my dogs have missed me. It’s crappily overcast outside, but I’m thinking they probably still want a beach run.

Remind me when I am in a better mood to tell you all about when Niel Gaiman hugged me. It was awesome, and one of the best things I have ever had happen to me. Ciao for now

Lani xx

Tonight the wonderful, kind, generous, noble, handsome and uberfit  Alias is taking me to see Neil Gaiman do a reading at the Opera House. Where, if I get half a chance, I’ll be ditching him to mindmeld with Neil. That is how awesome Neil is. His brain gets my skin shivering in a good way, I can only imagine how amazing he’ll be in person, all I’ve had of him so far is words tied down onto pages, no eye contact, no shared smiles, none of the intimacy I have so craved.

Neil Gaiman – If Vulcan Mind Melding were humanly possible, I’d be your biggest stalkiest fan. Seeing as it isn’t available just now, I think you’re fairly safe. I’m too lazy to stalk you if you aren’t going to lavish me with attention at the end of the day Also, I think your fiance is bewdiful, and I wouldn’t want to get you in trouble. Maybe we can just have an intellectual affair? When is mind melding going to be available in Australia? Maybe we can get it as an app on the iPhone? Or I can just continue to adore you and your big sexy brain from afar…. Yeah, I think it’s gonna have to be that last option.

I’ll stop drooling over Neil now. If anyone hasn’t had the pleasure of hearing about, reading his work, or otherwise getting to know Neil Gaiman, he is the only person to ever win the World Fantasy Award for a graphic novel (errm yes, comic book) for an edition of his amaaaaaazing work – the Sandman. I won’t go into it now, but Wikipedia does a good run down, and if you remind me later on I’ll do a synopsis of it for you

He’s also responsible for Stardust and Coraline, for those of you who are more movie people, and a number of children’s books, including Blueberry Girl which he wrote for a famous friends daughter,  and a couple of other novels including American Gods, which is very dark but also a very good read. He is currently writing an episode of Dr Who

What I want to tell you about now is the other part of the title of today’s blog. The part about unexpected buttplugs.

You’re all imagining someone shooting into the air in unimaginable pain, buttocks clenched,  aren’t you? Well, you’re wrong. It isn’t that at all.

What it is is the result of me trying to be superwoman again, and dropping a few balls I was supposed to have on high rotation above my head somewhere. Like checking out on time for example. And cleaning up straight after work, and packing everything away.

I thought I was having a good day yesterday, until I realised it was 1.30pm, and I was supposed to check out at 10. Umm Fucksticks. I sent the apartment lady a text explaining, and then tried to shuffle all the boring, tedious, but altogether necessary things I had organised for the day so that I could race over and clean the apartment and get my things out.

When I realised that there were things I just couldn’t get out of doing that were going to prevent me getting there until around 6pm, I sent a text asking for her to charge me a late fee or charge me for the extra night… she didn’t respond. I panicked, called Wifey, who very reasonably explained that if there was a problem with that, the lady would most likely call me, no phone calls probably meant no problems, so relax.

That seemed eminently sensible. I relaxed, I thought we’d be sweet. Sadly, not the case. Let’s just say we suffered an epic fail.

I got a phone call at around 6pm. For the sake of not outting me, I am replacing my real name with Lani for the conversation.

Angel Lady: Lani, I just took a family of seven into the apartment, they were checking in for the night.

Me: Oh dear

Angel Lady: It’s fairly obvious what’s been going on in there. Why didn’t you just tell me?

Me: How do you want me to answer that?

Angel Lady: With the truth!!! I may be old, but I’m very broadminded!

Me: I’m very sorry, It wasn’t personal, I have just found that it is safer to tell no one nothing… (insert mumbled and embarrassed apologies and ramblings, I can’t remember everything I said exactly)

Angel Lady: I’m sure we can come to some arrangement, you’ll have to give me a call over the weekend, we’ll sort something out. I can’t let you have the apartment I showed you earlier, as it is owned by someone who (bleepety bleep bleep – lets just say I agreed with her that the owner was likely to take high offense at me using their apartment) but you can possibly stay in the one you already had….

She goes on to be graceful, reasonable, all kinds of lovely, and just a general good soul.(!!!!!!!)

I then had to go clean the apartment, where I saw what she had found. When I left the apartment I was exhausted, and mainly thinking about when my next day off might be. I had cleared up all the unmentionables, but I hadn’t packed everything away, I hadn’t emptied the bins, the place was still set up for bookings.

In the lounge room, there was a corset slung over the back of a couch, a bag of lingerie and two toolboxes, both shut thank christ.”Archies Anointing Oil, guaranteed to cause Serious Squirting” was floating in a metal bowl of (used to be) hot water when I left, the bowl is on the counter and the oil is upstairs when I return.

In the guest bedroom there was a tray of condoms and lube with a handy handle for transporting it from one room to the next (now also containing Archie’s Anointing Oil), a bottle of Cottee’s Thick n Rich Chocolate Topping, and a roll of toilet paper, all neatly laid out on the bedside table. The quilt cover from that room was in the dryer downstairs after needing a bit of a wash from all the chocolate sauce. The bedroom next to that had a large basket of folded towels in it.

It was the upstairs bedroom however that made me wish I had one of those handy holes from the Enid Blyton books, I think. It’s like a big black circle of cloth you pull out of your pocket, lay on the ground, and then it turns into a real hole. Very handy for embarrassing situations, I would think.

So… Upstairs bedroom. You know where this is going now, don’t you?

I should mention before I go any further that the cleaner has been before I got there. All the beds have been made. There are folded towels with fresh bars of soap on all the beds. The dishes have been done. The bedside tables have all been wiped down. Oh, and lingerie that had previously been scattered across the rooms has been gathered and placed neatly on the bed. There’s a set of lingerie in every room of the house. A pair of shoes as well.

The bed is made in here as well. You know I told you guys I had a PSE client the other day? Well, I was lazy that day too. Everything a bit umm organic was dealt with on the day, but I left the equipment up there to drain after it was all washed, and umm yeah. Ooops.

So, I walk in. There’s a buttplug on the bedside table, there’s a set on lingerie on the bed, with a razor and a can of shaving cream (don’t ask), there’s a set of heels under the bed, and a really big buttplug in the sink. Did I mention all the bedside tables had obviously been wiped down? And that I think the cleaner actually lifted things up to do underneath them, as opposed to going around?

I left an apology and $50 tip for the cleaner…. *sinks in shame*

I sent a text after I had cleared everything out, saying so, and got one back wishing me a safe drive home…..

She’s so cool. Did I mention that the angel lady looks a bit like Audrey Hepburn all grown up? I’m absolutely flabbergasted with the level of grace she has displayed – she certainly didn’t have to offer to help me out with future accommodation, but she has been more than awesome about discovering unexpected buttplugs and the like.

Wifey nearly fell off the couch in tears of laughter after I came home and told her about it. Grace is the word she used to describe Angel Lady’s reaction to it all, and it describes the situation perfectly.I just hope the situation is as wonderful as I think it could be – it would be so fucking awesome to have accommodation providers I don’t have to fib to.

I really have to get off my butt and pack for this weekend, Alias is taking me to the Blue Mountains after the reading tonight – I’ll take lots of pics for twitter, apparently the place we are staying at is just gorgeous I don’t know if I’ll have internet there, so maybe I will blog in the morning, and maybe I won’t

Laters

Lani xx