Archive for September, 2010

Morning you sexy bitches How is everyone today?

I’m all happy and stuff. Goals are on track, sleep is all caught up, I am gonna see all my family soon, which will be fun and also tick off the familial obligations for another year, I am feeling more independent about the household finances which I am getting back in order – Wifey was in charge of all that and there was a fair bit I didn’t know about that needed sorting out, which I’m getting on top of. It’s good to solve problems – makes me feel very capable Finding out the problems exist is usually less fun, but you get over that

Today’s blog will have to be a quickie… I have lots of stuff to do today. I have to organise myself for the cumming of the lovely Ambrosia, and also I have to plan a trip up to see my family. At some point I wouldn’t mind a shag if anyone is keen I have new toys that need testing and stuff.

I went to the info thingy for the course, apparently its a beginner thing, and it won’t really help me except to get a foot in the door for next year. The course next year is only 6 hours a week, which is extremely manageable, and will teach me everything I need to know. I’m kinda cheesed that it is going to take me so long to learn it all, but hey, you gotta start somewhere, and if I don’t start I’ll never finish.The course needs another 3 people before they’ll confirm it…. Any volunteers?

OK, getting off lazy bottom now Talk soon

Lani xx

Or, Lani needs blinkers. One of those two things. Goddamn my lack of self denial. Or self control. One of those things, anyway
I’m sitting at the gate waiting for my flight to be called, typing this up on my iPhone. Forgive me any formatting mistakes, it’s trickier than you think lol.

I met a lovely lesbian from Idaho at the coffee stand, and recognized her perfume as the same one Violet always wears. I havn’t seen Violet in a while now, we aren’t talking at the moment. That’s something that’s been happening for a little while now… I seem to be doing an involuntary spring clean of all my friends.

I read another blog recently about spring cleaning your contacts list, where someone conciously lost a bunch of friends… I wouldn’t say that’s a decision I’ve made conciously, but the friends I’ve moved away from were for one reason or another not the most positive influences in my life. Violet believes financial health and status symbols are what you should work towards in life…. I’m not sure that’s the way to success for me.
Wifey believed that intelligence and academic learning were the most valuable things. We had a really big fight about whether my education has helped my career. She categorically denies that my education has played a part because I don’t have a degree that secured the position I am in. I firmly believe that if I hadn’t done the course I did at tafe I would not have gained the computing skills and the organizational skills needed to work privately… I wouldn’t have known where to start.
She maintains that I would have figured it all out myself eventually.I disagree, because I know how intimidating I found it when I first started doing it at tafe, and if I hadn’t needed it for my course I wouldn’t have gone near a keyboard ever lol.

I think that the piece of paper at the end of the course is all she really values. I know it’s what you need for OTHER people to recognize your skills, but I know that I use those skills every day as part of my job. I can see the value in what I learned.

So… Question for you. What do you think? If a thing you have learned at school helps you in your career, has your education aided you, or does it only count if you have a piece of paper that says you know lots of stuff about this particular thing?

*that bit was from Friday – this bit is from today *

Oooh oooh I just remembered… Lani is going back to school today I am heading in for the info seminar for the book keeping course I signed up for. Go me, learning about scary maths and record keeping skills If you’d asked me in year 10 what the likelyhood of me doing any maths/accountancy related subjects would be  if I wasn’t made to, I would have laughed so hard I’d have broken a rib or two. I didn’t do maths after year 10 – you didn’t have to choose it at all, the only compulsory subject was English, and I was already doing Advanced English. I should have done 3 Unit, but I wanted to do Food Tech as well – I was already out of home at that stage, and Food Tech was the subject that guaranteed me 3 cooked meals a week hehe.

I must go shave my legs and paint my nails. It isn’t good to look like a skank I have a class to go to… Woo HOO. I like being a student

Lani xx

I woke up and I am human again. Yay. And it is a Beautiful day, I am thinking beach run if I can knock through some of the housework and admin first… It’s all sort of piled up in my absence. Not to like epic proportions, but I need to do a few things before it gets to that stage lol.

I’m planning on booking accommodation for this afternoon, I’ll work through from 2pm  til about 5.30 – 6pm and start again early in the morning, going through hopefully til around 12pm. I woke up full of energy and also I have a large can of V, which I am planning on having for breakfast so make sure you’ve had your weetbix if you want to catch up

Must run, stuff to do

Lani xx

Because I am running on an average of 4 hours sleep a night for this week, which would be about 6 hours a night less than I usually get. Stay tuned for amusing fuckups… they always happen when I am this sleep deprived. I havn’t had a proper nights sleep in like 6 days now I think. It could be 5. Counting is hard when I am tired lol – my brain is not co operating as it should be.

For example, extend your sympathy for this morning’s date, who I am awaiting a reply from. I was meant to book accommodation yesterday at some point (at the latest) but spent the day driving up and down the freeway instead, fixing a personal emergency, so didn’t quite manage it, so his appointment is a fail. And I can’t get in contact, which makes things doubly awesome. Yay.

Even if I had booked the accommodation, I am pretty sure that the bloodshot looking thing on the floor next to my foot is one of my lower eyelids… Haggard is not the word this morning. Yawning, grainy eyed she-beast with the croaky voice and all the sex drive of a bowl of cold congealed porridge might describe whats going on here a little better….

Sorry, that wasn’t very sexy, was it? here you go – flashback to last night…. the feel of a little vein in the tight slippery wall of a woman’s wet centre, thrashing and twitching and spasming against my finger tip as she came… that was a new one for me Thought I’d share

Back to the sleep deprivation thing again, Umm, I’m cactus (cactus = fuck-tus for those unfamiliar with the phrase). Sorry. Going to bed again now, I don’t know how I thought I was going to do a 10am booking in Newcastle after getting back from a 10pm booking in Sydney at 3am the night before. Slight logistics fail there.

I am giving myself brownie points for attempting to get everything organised, and huge brownie points for waking up to the alarm and trying to power on like a trooper….  and a big pointy dunces cap and a little stool in the corner for thinking I was going to manage with that set of circumstances without superpowers and a nice shiny red cape of some variety.Epic fail, all round. This is my biggest issue with planning, I nearly always over estimate my ability to function on no sleep, and I often try to pack way too much stuff into one day. Note to self, stop doing that!!!!

This lil black duck is going nigh nighs now. Be with you tomorrow when I’ve had sleep and feel human and stuff.

Lani xx

Woohoo!!! I’m going to the land of shopping and food Some awesomely sexy bitch has already organised the most touristy of the gay touristy things you can do to celebrate both food and Melbourne – I’m getting dinner on a special restaurant tram!! hehehe… I love doing weird stuff that only tourists get away with I do it at home too

I’m also meeting my new Poet Laurette for the first time, – if I get permission I’ll publish a bit of his work for you -  catching up with one of my all time favourite snuggle bunnies, and I’m hoping that guy who talked me into doing somersaults on the bed will give me a ring, because I want to show him the scar the carpet burn gave me

At this stage I have small pockets of availability scattered across the weekend, including a decent chunk on Friday afternoon, and  good part of Saturday day I’ll probably get bored and irritable if I’m left to my own devices, so if anyone wants to help me while away the hours, you should probably call me or email me soon

Whats the weather like down there at the moment? Should I pack actual clothes, or is there no point in going outside? Let me know pls – Lani likes to dress for the weather lolz.

Also, sexy ladies…. Lunchdate? Pretty please? I miss you  xx I’m talking to the tall one and the one with the evil streak

Lani xx

*I just found this from last week – I forgot to publish it*

Yesterday was a total write off workwise. My stupid unpredictable actual life got in the way again, and I had a lot of turbulent and unpleasant emotional stuff happening. Yesterday I spent a lot of time convincing myself that crying won’t help anyone except those people that sell stuff to fix your face with afterward’s, and also manufacturer’s of tissues. It never helps the situation, unless the situation is where someone is yelling at you and you do the single tear with wobbly lip combo to get out of it. Then it works like a charm…. that wasn’t the point though.

Yesterday I tried to be staunch about my expectations and hopes and dreams for the future being shattered. I tried to be staunch about the upheaval in my life, and the way things will be different now. I tried to be upbeat and cheerful and not drag the mood down, and I think I succeeded towards the end of the day. Well – I stopped the tear ducts from obscuring vision, and I managed to uphold my end of a conversation without drifting off into blank stares, while my thoughts did vicious and destructive laps over all the should of’s and could haves and did nots….

I won’t go into detail, but I’ll tell you what happened so you’re not worried about me. Wifey moved out yesterday, in the midst of a big fight. I don’t think she is coming back, and I’d be surprised if she speaks to me again. The issue was one of honesty. You all know that I hate fiddlefarting with the truth. I don’t do fake compliments or fake orgasms or outright lies. I’ll tell the truth even if I know it’s going to piss you off – because it is the truth, even if it is uncomfortable or unpleasant. Obvious exception is keeping work and home life from knowing about the details of each other…

Wifey had a different view of “small lies”. She saw them as a social lubricant, or at least I assume she did. I caught her out in enough of them. Its a difficult thing to balance in my head – I love Wifey, I hate liars… Even when it’s “little” lies. Just stuff she thought would piss me off so she didn’t mention it, or things she thought I didn’t need to know. It’s enough to make me distrust someone, and enough to make me wonder about the validity of everything else they have said. When I start finding out that she is encouraging other people to lie to me to cover her ass and support her story, it’s getting beyond the joke.

So Wifey is gone now. And I am left wondering if I am the only person on the planet who’d rather hear that her ass is fat in those jeans, because if it is I am getting changed right now thank you very much. Why is it so socially acceptable to fudge the truth? When did people become so spineless that they’d rather put a mask on and fake their way through life than confront it face on and just deal with whatever happens? Why is it preferable to play nice when you despise someone, rather than just acknowledging you have nothing in common and moving along til you find someone more likable?

I know I have a bit of a bulldozers approach to life. I’ve accepted that insecure people usually hate me, and I’m cool with that – it’s really not my problem. Living with Wifey made me very aware that there are thought processes in the world that are completely alien to me, but that are apparently quite common. Examples are “computer says no” bureaucratic types, who usually make me want to scream in frustration, and anyone who can work with a voice recognition spiel on the phone without smashing said phone.

Any type of person who like to cross all the t’s and dot all the I’s is probably going to frustrate me at some point. I’m not that patient, and I prefer to just get stuff done now. I don’t want to hear that I have to fill out form 2b subsection A…. But if I have to do it I have to do it, and lying to me won’t change that. If I have to do it I would prefer to just get it over and done with. There is no need to lie about it.

I’ll let you in on a little secret. Hard truths, the kind that enter your abdomen like cold steel and tear their way up and out of the stinging little lump in your throat, those hard truths, the really painful and hurtful but undeniably accurate truths, they have made me who and what I am today. Or rather, my acceptance of them has.

I am not always a good person, and I acknowledge that. I am too forthright and too blunt sometimes, and I intimidate people who don’t have the self belief that I have. I fuck up with alarming regularity… I accept that as well, and I also accept that while I keep moving onwards and upwards I’m likely to keep pissing people off, and I’m likely to keep making mistakes, because stuff ups are a part of life. Mistakes are how we learn, and humans are emotional, unpredictable and erratic, for the most part.

There is a part of me that is very rigid and unbending. I have issues with understanding people who don’t think like I do. Wifey SHOULD be truthful even when apprehensive, because I would be. In fact, if I think I’m gonna get yelled at I generally speed things up to get it out of the way, rather than fudging around and hoping I don’t get caught.

That jellyfish person on Twitter too – although I am coming to the conclusion that the reason that’s not making any progress is a) he did it on purpose cos he actually secretly hates me and wants my own vagina to swallow me, creating a black hole where I used to be, or b) he’s afraid I’m going to rip his penis off and beat him severely with it, no matter what he says or does.

(sidenote – the jellyfish person wouldn’t sort it out with me because I was scaring him, so it was option B. I had to be all friendly and jokey again before we could sort it out, but it is sorted now. An old lesson revisited… Sometimes you catch more flies with honey…. )

There is an incredible feeling of freedom and being in control of your own destiny sort of thing in dobbing yourself in. You know for a fact that you’ve cut the waiting in trepidation time, and also, it always sounds better if it comes from the person who’s about to get screamed at. I have found that people get a bit flabbergasted, especially if it is the first they’ve heard about the issue.

And yet most of the population will continue to utter falsehoods in the face of friction. Bah humbug. Life is confusing and chaotic, is it not?

Lani xx

Hey happy peoples

It’s looking like crappy weather again Dang. I’m going to get rained on I think – M has been on a chain out the back since his last jailbreak, and he didn’t get a walk yesterday so he needs a good one today. He is barking already…. The neighbors will be happy about that lol.

Ok, I have one vote for incalls tomorrow, so it’s looking like tomorrow it is, as everyone else has been either no preference or has been quiet on the subject.I’ll book the room today, and put it on the availability page when I know where I will be

I’ve also moved the trip to Melbourne forward – I can now arrive on Thursday night or Friday morning – Friday lunchtime I have a sexy date with an old friend, and Friday night I am busy, so if anyone wants weekend action in Melbourne, let me know , as Saturday and Sunday are still available

Update on the whole Wifey situation… There isn’t one really. I am doing really well, I feel calmer than I have in a good long time, I’m happy I made the right decision but I feel that the way it played out could have gone a lot smoother. We aren’t ever going to be friends again, I think. Which sux – I have a lot of love for her, and its a family kind of love – a forgiving love.

I don’t think she feels the same way, however. I have a bad habit of deciding, when I feel strongly about someone, that the feeling is mutual. I’m not sure I’ve ever found that to be true though. I can be quite intense in my affections. I project my feelings onto the other person, and blindly refuse to see anything that contradicts my supposition that they feel the same way. I did this to Wifey, I am sure. I wanted someone to grow old with, she wanted a roof over her head. Slightly different goals, methinks.

I know she isn’t perfect, and I know that she tried to be what I wanted her to be – I accept that, but I can’t live with the consequences of it. I hate being lied to, and like Abbott, she admits that when she gets flustered she fudges the truth. Not living with it and not dealing with it are two different things though. I expect a lot more from people I am living with than I do from people I am hanging out with. I don’t expect randoms to keep up their end of the housework, or to commit to me and to working together to have a fantastic life.

I did expect it from Wifey, and I think that is where I fucked up. I’ve got to learn to look before I leap one of these days. On reflection, I put a lot of pressure on her, and I guess it was too much. She cracked under all the expectations, and started doing things like lying to me because she didn’t want to deal with my disappointment or anger.

There’s probably a lesson in that somewhere. Something along the lines of calm the fuck down, I’m guessing. I’ll figure it out one of these days Until then, I’ll probably keep pissing off people I care about, I guess… :-s

Anyway, the situation is as it is. I’ll stop going on about it now. Just wanted you to know that my stress levels are down to minimal, my self awareness is returning, and I am owning my part in the whole debacle. So I’ll shut up now

Lani xx

My commandments – inspired by this Punter Planet thread -

http://forums.punterplanet.com/index.php?/topic/972-the-10-commandments-of-punting/

I thought it was probably too girly for them, so I posted here instead

*be honest, esp in advertising.
I have never used a pic that had any more than the face blurred – I’ve never retouched anything. The ass in the pic is my actual ass, and I’m not airbrushing the 2 freckles off the right cheek cos they have a nasty tendancy to not be airbrushed in real life lolz. I want anyone I book to look as good or better than the picture, and for anyone who books me to be pleasantly surprised, as opposed to slightly devastated. Don’t advertise services you don’t provide, do advertise for the kind of clients you want. If you prefer young studs, or older gents, say so. It saves people spending coin where they aren’t welcome, and brings you the people you want.

*be awesome.
If you don’t feel you are going to be awesome, or you’ve just had a booking that was less than awesome, make up for it, or reschedule for another time. Everyone has off days, but making other people pay to hang out with you if you know you are having one is not cool in the slightest.

*be immaculate, or be prepared to jump straight in the shower on arrival.
Some people may prefer the natural musk odour, but unless they request it in writing it should not be available to them, unless you drove 5 hours to get there or something lol. Even then, no ones likes a stinky person. Go wash.

*Be on time, or be prepared to make up for it.
I’ve been known to have “interesting” days that have left me with more tales of disaster to amuse my friends with… it can happen to the best of us. When it does happen, be prepared to offer something special to make the wait worthwhile. With me it varies – it might be a really nice bottle of wine I take out of my personal collection to share, or staying longer than I normally would have or buying lunch or something. Don’t make mistakes if you aren’t prepared to pay for them, and be aware that its just good business sense to sweeten the deal just a tad more than you have to

* Be yourself, only a sexier, more salacious version.
This is a big one for me. Maybe not everyone will like you, but those who do like your style will be fiercely loyal, and they will adore what you do, and who you are. There’s no point pretending to be someone you aren’t, unless you are pretending to be the person you’d really like to be when you grow up lolz. People will pick up on it, and people like me will be turned off by it. I hate plastic people with no personalities lol. Anyone who’s met me through work as Lani would find out that as my non whore self, I am still me, only with more clothes on, and not so many people know I rock in the sack hehe.

*Be Genuinely Welcoming.
The flipside of being yourself, is treating your clients like actual human beings with feelings. Some of the people I see are just coming over for a tumble, some of them come over for the human connection – I think these clients mean the most to me, they need me the most, and I have a bigger impact on their lives, some clients just want to give themselves a sensual treat, others are exploring their sexuality, some want to see me for the freaky things I can do…. but they are all different, they are all people, they all have thoughts and feelings and needs. The day you start seeing walking wallets instead of a human is the day you need to retire, IMO.

*Be Accepting, or be clear about what is unacceptable.
People come in all shapes and sizes and colours and accents and abilities and disabilities and cultures… the variety is endless. If you have genuine issues with any particular variety of person, be upfront about it. Don’t take their money if you aren’t prepared to give them the same treatment as everyone else. It is dodgy in the extreme. I don’t want to see people with severe mental disabilities, so I say so straight out on my website – I know I can’t provide the same standard of service, so I barr them outright rather than taking the money and doing a really awful job of it.

*Be Kind to Yourself
Treat yourself like a princess, every chance you get. This industry has no time for people who havn’t got time for themselves… It’ll eat you up and spit out your dry and withered husk if you let it. It’s easy to be open and friendly and lovely to your clients if you feel happy and relaxed and fulfilled… very much not the case if you are feeling run down and pestered and like nothing you do is ever enough for anyone.

One of my big lessons over the last 2 years is that compassion and empathy are severely limited when you are stressed, and that the person who controls your stress levels is you. Its cheaper and easier in the long run to take the afternoon off and get a massage after a long week than it is to find a good therapist when you develop full blown anxiety.

*Be Self Sufficient
Don’t rely on others to do your admin, your advertising, your website, your anything. There is still a perception that sex workers are there to be exploited, especially in the finance industry. Even other sex workers feel no guilt in charging well beyond their abilities for other skills if they are charging a fellow sex worker, in my personal experience.
No matter how hard it seems right now, it will be easier in the long run to learn the skills yourself, as I am still finding out lolz… Book keeping course for me next term Most of the skills I’ve learned running my business will translate to other industries when I retire, as well, which will be handy.

*Be Smart About It - Which means Stay Safe

Know your rights and responsibilities as a sex worker. Know your local laws, and if you plan to work away from home, know the laws there too. Figure out what you want from this job, and it can be incredibly rewarding. If you don’t, however, have a strong will or the ability to stand up to “persuaders” it can get scary pretty fast. You need a spine to do this job, or pretty soon you won’t know yourself… people can be talked into some amazing things…

There are a large percentage of people who will expect you to take risks you may not be comfortable with. Don’t do anything you don’t want to. If you market yourself honestly, you’ll find punters who think you are perfect just the way you are, who don’t expect you to take risks with your health.

If you find however that you aren’t getting clients or retaining clients, maybe you can do a little research into what the punters would prefer by reading online reviews, both of yourself and other escorts. It’s what I did when I wanted to get my name out there

Don’t believe everything you hear about unprotected anything being safe. For information from people who don’t currently want to get their jiggy on in your panties, you can go here -http://www.scarletalliance.org.au/- to the Scarlet Alliance Website.

Scarlet Alliance is a sex worker organisation for the whole of Australia, and they produce an excellent little thing called the Red Book, which explains everything from how to check a client for STD’s, how to negotiate what you will and won’t do in a booking, how to apply a condom with your mouth, lots of things

One thing Scarlet Alliance can’t teach you is how to trust your instincts…. Listen to the butterflies in your tummy. If you get scared or nervous for no apparent reason, it is a lot easier to give a refund and get the fuck out of there than it is to explain to your mum why there are bits of you in plastic bags all over the state forest. You can always get another booking to cover the costs. You can’t get another you. Safety is ALWAYS more important than quick cash.

If you don’t feel safe telling the client the booking is off, maybe slip out the bathroom window and text that you’ve left his money in the sink or something. Always refund if you are canceling before anything happens, no matter what the reason. You don’t want to earn a rep as a dodgy operator. The other thing that works well is the Fake Caller App on your iPhone. Oops, my granny just died, gotta go…

I’ve been lucky in that – I very rarely get intimidated, and when I do I can hide it for the most part – I canceled one booking where the dude showed up with electric buttplugs that were apparently for me (!!!!!!)  from the hallway of the hotel while getting dressed and loudly asking him to leave. Better that than a fried bunghole in my opinion.

There you go – that one actually reads like a proper escort blog for a change hahahaha

Lani xx

The sun is shining, the birds are singing, I went and played in the park and had too much coffee, and noticed the one bit on my knee that I  missed when I was shaving. Ooops, I do that way too often hehe.

I reorganised my kitchen yesterday so that there are separate plastics and pots n pans cupboards. Why is reorganising stuff so damn satisfying? It’s not like I achieved anything mindblowing or anything, but fuck me, I am very chuffed with myself lolz.

Now that I have the house to myself again, I have to completely redo the last 10 pages or so in my goal book – I had all these plans for Wifey and I, but obviously those are in the can now lolz. So it’s time to replan, and rewrite the next chapter for Lani and Friends. The thing I am trying to figure out first, is what to do about my bookwork? Wifey did it all but never entered it into the MYOB system, and I have a feeling thats the last I’ll see of that – which is a problem. I really need to go learn book keeping for business. Like, really really really need to. I won’t be in so much trouble if I stop being a slacker lolz.

So – thinking next weekend for melbourne, and mid october for adelaide… if that sounds like it suits you drop me a line and I will make it official

Anyhoo, stuff to see, people to do.

Lani xx

To Tapfish. There, I said it. I’ve become addicted to feeding and breeding bloody fake fish. I know this is pathetic, but I like the bloopping bubbly noise it makes, and I like making lots of coins from working out which fish have the best profit margins, and I like keeping the really fancy tank 100% happy, which is harder than it sounds.

Dear god, there has to be a better way to spend my time and energy, yes? I’ve already done the first full stage of Angry Birds as well, and when those stupid birds start pissing me off, there is always Chicktionary, which is like boggle, but with chickens. Stupid iPhone apps are taking over my life. If you’re wondering why I havn’t been tweeting as much, there is your answer. I’ve been feeding the fishies instead.

On an entirely different subject, Macca’s have a new breakfast burger with tomato on it. If you order it without the egg, there will be lots of awww NOMS!! coming your way. I got one yesterday and had a foodgasm on the spot. Maybe I was just really hungry yesterday, but I’m gonna order another one in a minute and see if its as good as I thought it was… nomnomnom