Rants and Ramblings
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Booking Etiquette

I do not have one of these. Please be patient with me.

Everyone has their preferred way of doing things – this is mine 🙂 Please read through this page – I’ll know if you don’t bother, and it will affect the level of service you get. Its easier for me to revel in your company, pamper you and treat you like a king if you haven’t already annoyed me in 37 different ways. It’s easier for me to think you are a gentleman if you act like one. Gentlemen get great service, people who treat me carelessly do not. It’s totally up to you how you wish to be treated, of course.

Contacting me and Arranging a Time

– I’m a busy girl with limited admin skills lol. My first piece of advice is that patience will be rewarded. My second piece of advice is to wait for a reply. My third piece of advice is not to hassle me. Notice a theme here?

When first contacting me 

Pick a contact method that works for you, besides the phone. Text, email, whatever is easiest for you. Then stick to it please. For example, do not send a reminder on Twitter about the email you sent. If I haven’t had time to answer the email, I won’t have time to answer the tweet.

I get awfully confused and frustrated trying to mix and match conversations between different mediums. They all get to me in the same way, on my iphone, so sending an email and a text and a tweet is just repeating yourself, and tends to make me feel hassled.

I need a written contact that I can check later to take bookings as I’m often out and about not writing things down lol, and a mobile phone contact so I can tell you where you need to go once you’ve parked your car.

Please include in your subject line the word “enquiry”. I previously told people to include date and time preferred, but apparently that is treated as spam, so my bad, sorry about that. If you havn’t done this, I may not open your email. I receive a lot of mail, and I have limited time to answer it in, so I will admit to ignoring emails that don’t jump out as obvious booking requests.

You may not get the time you initially requested, but I will do my best to work out a time that suits us both.

I want a booking NOW – My first point of contact if you’d like a last minute appointment is my phone – If I am available right now, I will answer it. This works best between 10am and 5pm Monday to Thursday, or for last minute appointments when I am on tour. IMPORTANT – I WILL NOT ALWAYS BE AVAILABLE. If you want to book me when I am next available, we can arrange that. If you want to see someone (anyone, you don’t care who) on very short notice, there are a number of parlours that cater for that in the Newcastle area. Most of them are in the Yellow Pages.

PLEASE DON’T call me repeatedly until I pick up. It’s very very annoying. I often leave the phone on silent and ignore calls, because I am unable to answer due to being in a booking or with friends or at the hairdressers, for example. Sending me a text or an email for an appointment is better than leaving a voicemail message – I don’t check the voicemail.

I want a longer booking / I am giving you plenty of notice – If you’d like to organise a longer booking (over an hour) or one in advance then email is the way to go. I get a lot of mail, and sometimes it takes me a while to plow through it all, but sending repeat emails (ie, why didn’t you answer me yet type emails) only makes the stack I have to sort through grow higher lol.

If you are getting antsy about whether I will get back to you in time, there a number of parlours and escort agencies in Newcastle. Please feel free to arrange a back up option in case I can’t see you.

Why Lani blushes during phone calls…

 I can’t talk, there are people around – Same here lol… I prefer text messages to phone calls. If you are going to send me text messages, please be polite. “wanna fuck now?” won’t get a response, especially if I don’t know you from Adam, whereas “I would like to make a booking, what is your availability today?” will.

I award points for spelling whole words in texts… Text speak isn’t a deal breaker but it does kinda irritate me lol. u no wat I mn? lol.

While chatting on the phone – Please keep it in your pants. I am available for phone sex, it costs money, and you need to arrange an appointment. If you havn’t organised one then please don’t assume I’m up for a bit of sexy chat, because I will air horn you. Ok, maybe not but I will still think you are a total tosser, and it isn’t the best way to start a friendship.

Cock Shots – Theres a good chance I won’t want to meet you if you send one. Not very polite to go slinging your willy around in peoples faces before they have asked to see it.

Staying in touch – I do genuinely love my job and the wonderful caring people I meet through it. Unfortunately I’ve spread myself a bit thin, and have more friends than I can poke a stick at, so it can be really hard to stay in touch sometimes.

I felt pretty bad about this situation, and decided that the way to go about things was to have a daily (well, I try to post daily) blog on my website, so anyone who misses me can catch up with what I’ve been up to and whatnot. After a while, this became a bit much – I’m a perfectionist, so rewording things was cutting into time I was supposed to be doing other stuff in. These days, its best to catch up with me via Twitter, there’s a links at the bottom of the screen.

So, We’ve tee’d up a booking…. Now what?

Cleanliness -First up, If I am at home in Newcastle I understand you probably came straight from work, and that there is a good chance your work involves the coal industry. That’s cool, I have soap you can use.

Expect a lovely warm shower. Please take full advantage and make yourself as squeaky clean as you can. I like to point out that if there are no bad smells anywhere and I don’t have to hold my breath, I can stay down there for as loooong as you like. If I am forced to hold my nose because the stank of your smegma is somewhat overwhelming, or your pubes kinda smell like a urinal, you will probably get funny looks and a very brief, halfhearted blowjob. This will make both of us very sad, I imagine.

Dress CodeI am including this for the benefit of the guy who showed up feeeelthy dirty, no shoes, looked like he’d been fighting, with blood on him. Dude, your mother wouldn’t let you in the house like that. I’m certainly not going to lol.

Please wear whatever you’re comfortable in, so long as it is clothing lol. Guys straight from work, I won’t ask you to take your boots off, I’ll just be extremely grateful and impressed when you do.

Anyone who owns a sexy uniform should wear that. OK, you don’t have to, but I will be really really happy if you do 🙂

Finding Me – is pretty easy these days. I’m about 15 minutes from Newcastle Beach. I’ll give you instructions on where to go when your booking is confirmed.

I’m in a residential area, so I appreciate you being amazingly discreet. This means hiding any nerves until you get inside, and not trying to kiss me or touch my bum or anything in view of the street. Just wait ’til we get in the door please 🙂

Fuck I’m Late, or Fuck It, I’m Not Going – Well, let me know!!!

So, you have a confirmed booking – that is, you know where to go, and when. You’ve decided not to go, or you’re having trouble getting there on time. What happens to polite boys who give advance notice is nothing – I cross their name off my appointment calendar, or move it to a different spot. Advance notice is 24 hours or more before the booking. 

Advance notice is not always possible, I know. If you don’t find out until closer to the booking that there is a problem, but you still let me know, I would consider that reasonable. Reasonable notice will mean that you do not have to pay the full booking fee for the missed appointment. There will be a cancellation fee, however, of $100 if notice is given between 12 hours and 23 hours 59 minutes before the booking, or of  $175 for bookings that are cancelled less than 12 hours before they were to take place. Cancellation fee’s only apply to cancelled bookings, of course. For lateness, see below. 

For the very rude people who just don’t show up, with no phone call at all: You made a booking, so I shaved my legs, tanned, moisturised, spent an hour on my hair and makeup and found a gorgeous outfit to wear just for you. I vacuumed, tidied, lit scented candles, organised refreshments, made a pretty arrangement on the bed with the towels I had ready for you. I was here, and I was ready to rumble. I expect to get paid, in full, for the booking you made. If you make a booking, expect to have to pay for it. Just so you know, I am a registered business, and I’m not adverse to using debt collectors, although I’d prefer to keep things friendly.

Phone calls are cheap, and manners are free. Missed appointments, on the other hand, are not.

While I understand lateness, especially if you’ve called ahead to let me know, I may still need to finish up around the same time so that the rest of my day is not affected.

Upon Arrival…

Punctuality – To be honest, I’d prefer you to be smack on time, or 5 minutes late, rather than 5 minutes early, if you are visiting me. I’m a very easily distracted person, and often I need that last 5 minutes to fix my face because Twitter was particularly good that morning, or perhaps I’ve been on the phone all day, and I havn’t been watching the time….

Anyhoo, if you show up early, I am likely to be flustered and not quite ready for you. This is why I will generally give a landmark to drive to, and then give you the address when you have arrived at the landmark. It gives me an extra five minutes to flit about preparing everything for your visit. By the way, when I say flustered, I mean prone to anxiety attacks. Its really important to avoid this – I’m not exactly friendly or nice when I have panic attacks, and its not much fun for me either. For this reason, even if you know where to go, you still go to the landmark first and call, just in case.

If you are very early or very late, I will treat it as a cancellation. That means no sex. Very sad for both of us.

She’s Hiiiiiiiiiidious…. Run!!!!

It’s cool, I understand, everyone likes different sorts. If you don’t think I’m a good sort, please, flee!! With my blessing. The last thing I want to do is take your cash and then give you years worth of vomitty nightmares. I’d be mortified. You only need to stay with me if you think I am hot, please.

Having said that, I give everyone the opportunity to scream and run just after I open the door…. Either I’m really not that bad looking, or everyone I have met so far has been awesomely polite, because no one has EVER taken me up on it lolz.

**UPDATE** As there are now plenty of pictures of my face on the internet, most notably on twitter, I am assuming you’ve come knowing what I look like. Therefore you’ll still pay for the booking, but of course I won’t be forcing you to stay. So flee, with my blessing, but fix up your bill first 😉 For the record, I’m still waiting for the first person to turn tail and run. 

Business Arrangements –At some point, sooner rather than later, we’ll need to deal with the financial’s. I don’t have a cash register, so after I check your unmentionables for anything unexpected, you can either

I’ll dance for it, stripper style 🙂

stick your donation in my panties, stripper-style (I’ll even dance for it 🙂 ), or hand me an envelope with the correct money in it, or as one of my reg’s does it, you can put it inside a Hallmark card and sticky tape it to a gift 🙂

During Nookie

AAAAAArrrggggghhhh Nerves!! – It’s ok, I get it. If you don’t believe me go find my review on Mason, Manwhore. I understand you might be a teensy bit jittery until things start heating up. Don’t worry, it’s not just you, it’s pretty normal. You’ll relax into it after a while, and then have an awesome time 🙂 And if you don’t, I consider ticklefights fair game 😛

Respecting Boundaries – If I don’t include something in my service, for example natural french, please understand that no amount of begging, wheedling or assuring me I will love it, will actually result in me doing it with you. What will happen is after I have said NO quite firmly, for say the 3rd time, I am going to start ignoring your words and attempting to do the booking without actually having to speak to you, because at this stage I will be thinking that you are a bit of an asshole.

Or if you are being a real cockhead about it, I will get dressed and maybe have a cup of tea, because the sex part will be over.

For anyone who doesn’t know this, and I am sure most of you are well aware, this is for the noobs this bit – Any part of the service I don’t agree to can be considered rape or sexual assault. For example, if I don’t want to be fucked a certain way and you do it anyway, I can and will charge you with rape. It works the other way around too – there was a case of a stripper getting charged with anally raping a bucks party-goer after he unwillingly became part of her dildo show a year or 2 ago.

So lets all agree to only fuck each other in ways that will be appreciated by the other person…otherwise it’ll all end in anal abrasions and tears, and no one wants that.

What Can I Touch/Do? Hehe… Whatever you like, as long as it feels good and it’s a safer sex practice. If it doesn’t feel good, I’ll let you know what does feel good for me, I’m very good at moving hands or mouths or other things to better places, and I’m good at reading body language most of the time, so if you are not as open as me about what you like, I can usually guess to good effect.

I have a large range of toys – 4 toolboxes worth at the moment. I’ll show them to you before we get into anything, feel free to grab whatever takes your fancy, the toys are there to be played with.

I won’t initiate a couple of things that I consider standard service because there are guys out there who would find it highly offensive and risky behaviour. Those things are oral on me and kissing on the lips, especially if I sense hesitation from your end. I would however absolutely love you to give me a big pash hello and then eat me for an hour, so if the urge strikes, go for it!!!

PLEASE don’t be shy about kissing me – I’ll assume I have stinky breath or something if you don’t 🙁

Unsatisfied Clients – Before you go and review me, TALK to me. Maybe I misread your body language, maybe I misread your email… Either way, maybe we can sort things out between us. I have to say, if you

  smile and thank me for a lovely time and then go and put a horrid review of me up, I will be prettttttty upset.

  It’s a form of nastiness, in my opinion, to publicly flay someone if you didn’t have the balls to approach them first and say something to their face about the crappy   service.

  If you find confrontation really hard, send me an email or text with what you weren’t happy with. We can work on it from there. It’s a point of professional pride       for me that people are either happy with me, or ecstatic. If that isn’t the case, then I want to fix it, and make up for letting you down. I don’t want any sad panda’s     on my watch, just happily grinning peoples please 🙂

 I have to say at this point I have no bad reviews that I am aware of, and the only complaints I’ve had have been about my punctuality and my big mouth – I    sometimes run on Lani time…. It’s kinda like Fiji time but involves more swearing and missing of public transport, generally speaking. If punctuality is super  important to you, let me know beforehand so I know lateness will absolutely not be tolerated, and I will do my best to be early for a change.Time management is  still something I need to work on.

 The mouth stops talking when there is stuff in it, so if you like blowjobs and silence, you’re in luck 🙂 I also have a ball gag if that helps 🙂

Times Up – What Now?

There won’t be a buzzer or any other indication that it’s time to leave. I’m not a fan of ruining the whole experience by suddenly switching personalities when it’s time for you to go. It’s part of the reason I space my bookings an hour apart. I like to shower with you afterward’s, keep the conversation flowing, and tidy up and get dressed in a relaxed and friendly sort of way.

In turn, it’s really nice when people take that the way it is meant. I’m just keeping the mood intimate and friendly. If you try to fuck me again in the shower after time is up, its not going to go down well lol. I’ve probably got another booking coming soon, and I don’t want to have to tell you off for being greedy. It would ruin what was an awesome booking…. I’ve barred people from seeing me in the past for the specific failing of refusing to put their pants back on and get out in a reasonable time frame. It makes me very happy when everyones on the same page and we get to end on a high note 🙂 

Until we meet again… xx



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